Monday, June 6, 2022

06 June 2022

The sixth day of the June and yesterday was the first day I missed an entry here. How quickly I somersaulted on my own words, is mortifying. The day before yesterday, I sewed some really big words here about crawling my way forward but, last night I just let go completely and fell into the rabbit hole of tears and fears. I failed my words which is not surprising. Yesterday, I finished the marathon, made my submission and I started to watch this new TV show until I realized I was just breaking down continuously. Getting cut off by multiple self-directed mini-manic episodes, I got tired and shut the show instead.

I woke up this morning but couldn't find a single reason or a work to get up to. Have been stifling my breakdowns all day today, and it is becoming an icy volcano bubbling with teary lava. The reason you ask, but I do not know. It is so difficult to pinpoint what crippled my crust so austere that led to this breakthrough of magma of woe and anguish. Every time, I go to pieces, it feels like chambers of embers and reservoirs of lava burst open and floods my mind. Then, I spend days dusting off the powdery ash and wiping the unguent remains before it runs around and compacts my mind and entire corporeal into a boulder of self-abhorrence. But, no matter what I do to make myself believe that I have undone this caldera, I can not escape the destruction that has been done leaving behind a trail of minacious zones.

I will spend the night doing some proofreading. I received another report with some good results that reflect my progress.

Today's mood: tensed, frenzied, and discomfort.

- Oizys.

Saturday, June 4, 2022

04 June 2022

The fourth day of June.
Also, it is the fifteenth day of logging entries to this diary.

I woke up early and the day went with the first day of the Research Marathon. It was great and I enjoyed it a lot. I was allocated a fairly new topic, so, it was a challenge that made it fun.

Other than that, nothing happened at all.

And, I feel like nothing is happening at all that could make me write. There are not many thoughts in this mind of mine currently that I can pen down here. Vacant. With a few crunchy leaves lying here and there and when I go to catch them, I probably hold on to them so hard that I end up masticating the food for my thoughts with my very own hands.

Anyways, no proofreading today. I had more than ten hours of screen time and my fingers refused to go over the keyboard and my eyes rejected the light of the laptop screen. I am actually writing this down using my mobile phone. This feels a bit convenient for days like these. I always use a laptop because that way I can notice mistakes and fix them. But again, as I said, I have been feeling like I don't have much to write and if I gave myself the excuse for one day, I would break this consistency that I have the intention of abiding by. So, tolerate me. Because I have no other choice than to get the hell on with me, even if I have to crawl. Because I have no other choice than to stick around, even if I have to scratch my nails.

Today's mood: languorous, burned-out, and done.

- Oizys.

Friday, June 3, 2022

03 June 2022

The third day of June.

I woke up to a great report on one of my proofreading projects which said that I had made rectified all mistakes and there were no errors from my side. That being said, I have also started a tracking file in a spreadsheet to track my proofreading work.
I spent my day proofreading and preparing for the marathon.
It is hot and the electricity keeps giving up on us.

Today's mood: occupied, exhausted, drained.

- Oizys.

Thursday, June 2, 2022

02 June 2022

The second day of June.
I woke up to absolute silence. There was no one at home.
Finally, some void in the noise. I could think, I could see. And none could hear me, none could see me.
I sat and heard my kettle whistle. I also listened to two cats fight. It felt good.
I have been continuing my day with proofreading and also preparing for my marathon.
Just normal humdrum and daily life things. Although today on one of my proofreading projects, I made only one mistake, and other than it, the report came out perfectly.

How much I crave this euthymic state of mind. Being able to relish the dulcet tones of vanilla days. Not too jittery for the teeth, clammy for the forehead, fiery for the gut. I hope to hold on to this earthy taste of common-or-garden fruit. As the night approaches, there is an urge to keep the aftertaste on my tongue and let it linger on my mind forever.

Today's mood: untroubled, mellow, still.

- Oizys.

 

Wednesday, June 1, 2022

01 June 2022

First of July. I wish prosperity to the members of the LGBTQ+ community. I would like to quote something on this day for all of you, “Every time someone steps up and says who they are, the world becomes a better, more interesting place. So thank you.” - Captain Raymond Jacob Holt, ‘Brooklyn Nine-Nine’.

It has been a sluggish day. I stayed in my corner. Most of my friends start work today. Here I am...
It is also my friend's birthday. I wished her all the happiness and glory. I hope we meet soon and celebrate.
I am continuing with the proofreading.
The induction program from the research marathon, I missed some of it because I fell asleep. Thankfully, I had a friend who helped me.
The mood around the house is still sulky.
Thinking to read a book. Some poetry, maybe.
My sibling received their graduation degree today.
I am still unable to reply to the messages I received here. Some days, I go into a slump. I need to get back up. It’s a bit slippery, I keep falling back whenever I try to get up.

I do not have much to write. Things that I have are feelings of dejection and disappointment which I do not want to record because I want to stamp them out and do not wish to revisit those flames of failure. No need of remembering the stains of fire fueled by Achilles' heel.

Today’s mood: stagnant, dull, and languid.

- Oizys.

Tuesday, May 31, 2022

31 May 2022

Today was... green around the gills.
Yesterday's squabble turned into a battle royal.
I spent the day between my side of the bed and my table. My safe zone.
The aerial bombardment of splintered words.
I cried myself to sleep in the evening.
In an attempt to cheer myself up, I made some local snacks. They worked for a while.
I have been working on proofreading. This work of proofreading is very different than the earlier ones. It is quite interesting and engaging. I have also signed up for a research marathon. It starts tomorrow. Whatever distracts me from the fights.
However, I was unable to reply to the messages I received here. I will do my best to get back to them tomorrow. I am too tired today, both mentally and physically.

Today's mood: inconsolable, delirious, and down.

- Oizys.

 

Monday, May 30, 2022

30 May 2022

Hello. Today marks the tenth day of diary writing. I am liking this.
The sun is fire-spewing heat. It is impossible to step outside until the evening falls.
I was unable to appear for an interview today due to some technical glitch. They deny the existence of glitches. Let's see what happens.
I am continuing with the proofreading.

I am writing this to seek solace as I escape a quarrel at home. Moments of these family squabbles impel me to embrace my tinnitus and make me hope that all the ringing and buzzing entrenches my hearing so I don't have to be a prisoner in this war of words. Although, moments like this when I sneak away and seek comfort in words make me appreciate my books and my writing habits. And now, this little e-refuge from the being bare to bitterness. However, this doesn’t keep my mind shrouded from being on tenterhooks waiting for the rest half of the day to end. Oh, the agony…

Today's mood: irritated, bothered.

- Oizys.

Sunday, May 29, 2022

29 May 2022

The ninth day of my diary entry.
I slept earlier last night than usual and woke up earlier than usual to the arrival of guests.
I received a message from a follower today. It felt weirdly comforting. It is a new feeling.
I have not been able to reply to the messages recently, but I will do so today, hopefully. I will try my best.
I spent the day entertaining and preparing the house and food for the guests.
Too hot today.
The family is toying with the idea of a one-day trip and I have already started looking for excuses to dodge it.
There was a function in the evening, which I gladly missed.
Nothing new. The same as usual. There is no new work leads on the horizon.
I started proofreading today. It reminded me how much I love proofreading, editing, and reading books.
I hope to keep up this practice of proofreading. 

Oh, and yesterday I came across a diary entry which had quoted a poem by Mary Oliver, and coincidentally I was reading a poem by Mary Oliver too. I was reading the collection "Thirst".

Today has been a busy and occupied day, starting with guests and then neck-deep in some proofreading work. There were small pangs of interior ruffle and discomposition. Some moments of my mind and soul dissociating here and there. But, I managed to stop my head from cleaving into multiple particles of worthless jitters and twitches, and I pulled it through by successfully maintaining my poise and cleaving my mind to the chores of today's unusual routine. 

Today's mood: tired, tizzy, and tasked.

- Oizys.

 

Saturday, May 28, 2022

28 May 2022

Eighth day.
I woke up earlier than usual for food preparation as guests were about to come, but they canceled at the last minute.
I ate some porridge but it had too much-clarified butter, which made me sick as hell.
I searched for some books to read.
I went to the tailor to get some skirts resized.
The roads were at an impasse.
I brought some ice cream. But I don't think I can eat them.
Searching for the works of author - Blythe Baird.

At first, I thought it was the porridge, but I have been feeling too much agitation. In my head. Which has created a cavernous black pit of despair in my stomach. Like a semi-dormant volcano of anxiety. Charring my variety meat. Roasting my mind until my tender mother is blistered. Stiffening my ventricles and hardening my valves until the blood stops pumping. How do I stop this? How do I stop my fears from grilling my happiness? How do I stop my angst from charbroiling my peace?

Today’s mood: dreadful, malaise and tormented.

- Oizys.

Friday, May 27, 2022

27 May 2022

Seventh-day. One week of logging entries has been completed successfully.
I couldn't sleep at all last night. I slept this morning at 6 am. I woke up at 10 am and had breakfast at 1 pm.
I have completed two small introductory courses today. I was approached to submit my details for an internship.
And, I talked about the mistaken appointment. They said the position is mine if I want it. I have accepted it.
I found some discrepancies in one of my published papers. I talked to my co-authors about it.
I am very anxious about this new position. In a good way.
Went for a long grocery shopping. Had to stock up so, so many things.

I am feeling very jumpy. It is a very restless feeling, both exhausted and anxious.
I constantly feel embarrassed for no reason at all. Do you, if anyone is reading, feel it too? Embarrassed for no reason whatsoever. Constant guilt lingering at the corners of your mind, slamming the doors of your soul at any other good emotion.

I told my family about my new position acquired. They mocked me and kept pulling my chain throughout the entire teatime. That's it. Blotted a source of happiness and sense of achievement before it could emanate. Now, I am trying my best to find a reason to avoid dinner with them. Oh, the pain of sitting at that table trying to swallow food when they are shoving insults down my throat.

Today's mood: derailed, frustrated, abashed.

- Oizys.

 

Thursday, May 26, 2022

26 May 2022

The sixth day of the log entry.
Today is a blurry day. I woke up so late in the afternoon.
I applied for some internships.
An old paper of mine got accepted. I have been working to upload it to various repositories to get it recognized and increase readership.
I didn't have breakfast, just lunch.
I tried to exercise but was unable to. I will try again tomorrow, but I will do some bedtime stretching before going to sleep.
I washed my hair today. I had a disgusting headache.
I emailed the community about my mistaken appointment of mine. Let's see what they say.

I have been reading a lot of diaries here lately. It is beautiful. It is interesting. I was able to relate to a couple of the diarists here. I want to share my relatability by responding to their entries. Let's see. I always have qualms when I try to talk or build any connection. Rather than focusing on what to say, I overthink how they will perceive me, understand me, or what they will think about me. I barely talk in person, even with my family members. I just do not know what to say. It is also the reason why I prefer slow communication tools like text or emails rather than calls or in-person meetings. My thoughts become blurry. In emails or texts, I can take my time to think and search and write in a concise manner.

Today's mood: empty, unfit, and sluggish.

- Oizys.

Wednesday, May 25, 2022

25 May 2022

The diary entry was lodged successfully on the fifth day consecutively.
I woke up earlier than usual.
I also got an email regarding gaining a head position in a community for which I had applied by mistake and didn't even take the interview. What do I do with that? Should I go along with it or recheck with them?
I had some puffed rice with raw mango for breakfast.
I am considering making a small donation here as this morning when I opened the Diary website, a notification popped up regarding the website needing some financial support to pay its host. I don't know what to do. Is it too early? I like this application and would love to contribute to its well-being.
I am continuing with my search for work opportunities. I am also planning to do some courses today. I found two which are free and one which requires a small fee due to an offer. But, I am scared to ask for money. Today is the last day of the offer. Let's see if I can do something. Although, I have started the two free ones, downloaded and reviewed the materials, and assorted them.
I am really craving something cold to drink.
This is the second day of exercise.
I got another rejection letter today.
I cried myself to sleep.

I have been having a lot of existential thoughts whenever I leave my land of thoughts and fantasies. I look around. My friends have other people in their lives. They go out, have lovely relationships, and have fun with their best friends. Do silly stuff, and make memories. My siblings are getting new jobs. People are moving in life further. And then I look inside myself. Just the sort of person, doing nothing much, in whom people take an interest once in a while but do not really care if I am gone or absent. I just sort of exist but do not really mean anything to anyone or any way that is possible. I keep thinking if I am really living my life or not. I search for memories, but my gallery is empty. My mind has no remembrance of anything that can make my soul nostalgic. Was I meant to be a human? Because, sometimes, even existing feels uncanny.

Today's mood: bleak, Sehnsucht, hiraeth

- Oizys.

Tuesday, May 24, 2022

24 May 2022

This is the fourth day of log entries.
I slept really late again last night. There was a storm, and some flower pots broke, and a transformer exploded.
I woke up early in the morning and checked my phone. I saw another work rejection email. Hence, I slept again and woke up later.
I am writing a reply to that rejection email asking for feedback. However, the rejection email was riddled with spelling mistakes, such as "I regret to inform you that your have cleared that test." Ugh? Should I be glad to have been rejected from here or what?

I have sent an email to them asking for feedback. I ordered some food but got sick. 
I exercised today after a long time. The body feels sore but free. I also submitted the paper, and I have kept my hopes high about this one.
I received a message here from another diarist here. This feels like a homely place. I have replied to them.
And, I also found some more of my old entries from the manual diary scribbled here and there. I am planning to lodge them here too, maybe tomorrow.

The constant rejections feel like stepping on my hand when I am trying to crawl my way back from the pit crater. I tried to speak about this to a friend of mine today but in vain. She says to keep on trying. The thing is, I can't afford to give up. I am trying and will never stop doing so. But, the will has its own mind, which gets raveled sometimes. I wish someone could tell me, or at the very least, understand these kinds of incidents. These kinds of thoughts, are diametrically opposite but exist side-by-side. 

Today's mood: inept, bummed, discarded.

- Oizys.

 

Monday, May 23, 2022

23 May 2022

The third day of logging here. My fingers are still crossed about consistency.
Received a message here from last night; I felt seen and a bit understood by another human being. I replied to the person today.
I woke up super late because I slept this morning. I could not sleep last night because she snores A LOT.
I had breakfast at lunchtime.
I've been combing for work opportunities since I woke up. I have been receiving rejection mail since time immemorial.
All of our friends are employed in some capacity. I still haven't received a single call for even an interview.
I received a call this morning and thought it was for an interview, but it turns out they were selling courses.
I'm thinking of logging some of my old entries from my manual diary here. They are just a bunch of flailing and desperate poems and scribbles.
I received another message after this log was posted. Another human being who empathizes with the phase of having no work in life thanked the person for the response.
I wanted to order some food, but my sister kept nagging around, and then a random uncle popped by, and then it was too late.
I ate an early dinner with my family. 
They jibed at me for having no work. I restrained myself from getting irritated. My mental state can not afford another fight with them anymore.

The chanting has started again. The outer tinnitus.

Editing the paper that is supposed to be submitted. Hopefully, it will go up. I have ardently researched and written my part of the paper.

I finished working on the paper and lodged all my old entries from the manual diary here.

Yes, it has been so long that I don't even remember the time before this. This sadness has become so familiar that every other emotion seems alien and uncomfortable. This sadness is so heavy, it has completely crushed me beneath its bulwark of darkness, that I have submitted my remaining pieces and am wandering in the land of hopelessness seeking the finale. It is hitting the final rock bottom after being sucked by a pit of quicksand.

Today's mood: desolate, empty, sleepy.

- Oizys.

Sunday, May 22, 2022

22 May 2022

Second-day entry, successfully registered.
Hopefully, I will remain consistent. Fingers crossed.
I woke up earlier than usual.
I ate noodles for breakfast and some milkshakes in the afternoon.
I fought with my family again.
Played some games, especially the bouncy ball one.
I am submitting a paper today. I hope that goes well too.
Feeling bilious.

I've got to know about "intrusive thoughts". I am slowly realizing that I have been having a lot of intrusive thoughts. Sometimes bad, sometimes good disguised as bad. My mind feels tired of all this buzz. Speaking of buzz, she keeps chanting in a low voice, which feels like a buzzing sound, quite similar to my tinnitus in the left ear. Her chanting is like tinnitus on the outside. My mind goes crazy whenever she sits behind me doing that.

I feel brittle. I feel sad. I feel lonely. I feel alone too. All together mixed. It all hit me all at once. To calm myself, I think of times when I did not feel such things, and I can't remember a single phase or point in life when I felt anything other than this. It makes me wonder why. I am apprehending I do not integrate here, wherever I am. How long can I survive like this, trying to fit in? How long will it be before I am discarded as an unfitting puzzle piece? Nothing I do sits well. Nothing, I think, bodes well. Nothing I plan to age well. I keep sleeping it off every night, thinking it will abate. But, for how long can I make-believe? Won't be long before people unwrap this veneer and see what a worthless pseud I am.

Today's mood: unproductive, jaded, depressed.

- Oizys. 

 

Saturday, May 21, 2022

21 May 2022

Starting this diary.
I am hoping to be consistent, which is unlike anything in my life.
I'm spending my day entirely in bed today.
I'm upset with my family.
I woke up late and ate a cheap breakfast.
I haven't eaten anything since.
Friends are trying to publish a paper. I might collaborate.
Searched extensively for "Magolpy/Maman"... Where did she even go?
I feel sick, my stomach is growling, and my mouth is salty.

Finally, I went and watered the plants. As requested by a neighbor, I contributed to checking the cams for a troublemaker.

I ate some puffed rice but no condiments.

Dinner and then sleep! Uf.

I guess it doesn't bother me. I can't be bothered with anything these days. Whatever. Maybe tomorrow. Shrug. My mind is like a bunch of nothing, but so it goes. Today was a complete loss. What can I say? I've just been hanging out doing nothing. That's how it is. My mind is like a void. I just don't have much to say, but such is life. Oh well. Such is life. Basically, nothing is going on right now. I guess it doesn't bother me. I've pretty much been doing nothing worth mentioning. Eh.

I am hoping for a way out, like every other day.

Today's Mood: spiritless, dispassionate, neutral.

- Oizys.

Wednesday, March 30, 2022

Threat To My Thoughts

I feel useless after I talk to people. I have so many of these thoughts that I want to write, share, voice and scream. But, when I make them known to the world outside of my mind, give them a voice for others' ears, and let them into the minds of others, they vaporize into nothingness. They go away. They become hollow. They become meaningless. And, I can feel the emptiness loud and clear. It feels like someone stepping into a room and crashing into a handful of empty vessels, making a cracking noise.

What is it? Is it that I am only my thoughts? I am made up of only my thoughts. Is it me who is just a vessel and these thoughts fill me and make me who I am? Or, is it me who keeps my thoughts alive? And, is the presence of my thoughts only of substance when it is unknown to other beings? Do other people just consume and spit out my thoughts like plucking away weed?

I fear writing sometimes, to pen my thoughts down. For, if people read, my thoughts extinguish into non-existence. Then, where do I put you, my thoughts? We are safe nowhere but in this mind of mine.

- Oizys.

When Did I Pick Up This Pen

I do not know. I don't remember when I first decided to write. What was that moment when I must have thought inking was better than telling? Pen over voice. What was the moment when I sought solace in the blank, listening pages of a diary, instead of the people who claimed to deserve my trust? Was it when my blood denied my color? Was it when my batchmates moved away from me, silently, without goodbye? Was it when the teacher skipped over me because I needed a little longer to think? Was it when my kinfolk turned their faces away because I was too ill, too inconvenient?

It must have been a moment of sadness when my words went unheard that I thought of registering on a page. It must have been a moment of pain when my cries were ignored and I first poured my emotions into the back of a forgotten notebook.

It hurts, you know. I love filling these pages with beautiful words, broken poems, obscure sentences, and abandoned memories. But the whys and wherefores behind this love? They are themselves my brokenness. They are the moments where I was abandoned.

- Oizys.

Sacrifice For Survival

I am stuck in a rut. In a room. Trapped between one side of the bed and a table cluttered with dusty books and this crappy laptop. I want to get out, getaway. Far, far away. I can not live like this anymore. This comfort comes at the cost of my privacy, my peace, my place. I have no choice but to lock myself in this room, locking myself away from the very people whose presence scorches me. I do not want this. I want to move out of this hellish stomach that incinerates my freedom with its toxic acid. I just want to tear it open and spring out. I am losing every intangible part of me. I can feel myself dissolving. My dedication, my love, my books, my words, my mind, me. All fossilizing. The connection of blood has kept me tethered. Their blood filled my veins, tying me to this burning stomach. I want to rid (or, purge?) myself of their so-called ichor and be free.

"There is a freedom that comes with abandonment." Suzanne Scanlon. 

Maybe detachment will be the key to this junky lock. Maybe severance is the only true salvation. I am desperate to alleviate myself by chopping off this relationship, even if it means bleeding. Desperate to get rid of this dependency. I know I will bleed when I part ways. If sacrificing my own blood is what is needed to gain survival, then so be it

- Oizys.

Saturday, March 26, 2022

Words Hemmed Inside The Attic of My Mind

I wrote for two days, then I couldn't write yesterday. 
Nothing.
It's so difficult.

I have been dragging myself since the morning to write again, but... no progress: 
Just the heavy resistance of a body and mind not willing to move.

I want to write so much.
I want to write about everything.
Everything I see,
I hear,
I listen,
I speak,
I feel.
Everyone I meet.
I want to log everything.
The voices, the thoughts, the feelings, the emotions.
Those experiences.
My entire life and every life that is connected to me.
I want to draw the whole, tangled web with my words and bottles of ink.

But, I can't...
I am unable to.
I lodge it in my head, like notes tucked into invisible pockets.
But then when I think of jotting it down, I am unable to pick up the pen.
My spine doesn't straighten up.
My hand refuses to move.
Even the pages seem to hide from me.
I can't find pages suddenly.
Every minute I lived, carefully logged in my head, slips away.
They run down long corridors in my mind, into corner rooms at the end of the hall, slamming the doors behind them.
They go into those rooms, shut the doors, and hide in the old attic.
They disappear into the old attic, becoming an omnium gatherum — a hoard of sporadic bits and broken pieces, locked inside a rusted trunk, covered in spiderwebs, sealed by years of dust.
And I stand outside that attic door, pen in hand, too late.

- Oizys.

Thursday, March 24, 2022

The Tide Of Rumination

Chopping vegetables. Slimy garlic sticking to my fingers.

The smell of oil and burning curry leaves drifted through the kitchen, sharp and bitter.

Somewhere in the sizzle and smoke, I felt myself slipping, slowly, inevitably, into the land of gloom. Bad thoughts consume me. Sometimes they flood my head like a raging tide, all at once, impossible to escape. Other times, they seep in slowly, quietly, like cold water trickling under a door, until everything inside me is wet and heavy.

Tonight, they reached up from some underground reservoir of Weltschmerz, soaking the fragile, functional surface of my mind.

I didn’t even wash my hands after cutting the vegetables. I just grabbed the random notebook I had been studying from earlier, flipped to the back pages. I just picked up a pen — stained, tired — and began to write — smearing faint smudges of garlic and oil into the paper’s skin. I had to distract myself from the despondency before it swallowed me whole.

- Oizys.

Wednesday, March 23, 2022

The Fantasy Of Oblivion

I feel heavy.

I gave a presentation on the paper I am writing. and got a poor grade. The evaluator didn't say anything, didn't ask anything, graded the paper poorly, and didn't even give any feedback. It looks like they don't support my stance on the topic of same-sex marriages. 
I received another grade today. Poor too, this one. But, this one is on me. I didn't work hard enough. I deserve it. I don't even remember working hard for anything now in life. 

Last night, I wrote for the first time in a long time. I felt a bit lighter. I had forgotten how light it feels when I put my feelings on paper in the form of words. But, I also felt something else, a bit emptier. Some more space in my head. People say it is generally a good thing. When you write to relieve stress, you feel lighter because you have space in that head of yours for more important things going on in life.

It made me think. It scared me a bit because I have no other important things to put in that empty space. It made me a question...
What's important to me? What is the worth of my existence? What do I want? Do I aspire to be rich? Or, famous? Or, intelligent? Do I love? Do I want to love? Do I want to be loved? Do I desire? Do I want to be desired? Do I want someone or something in my life? Do I even deserve to? Do I even have the capacity to want or to aspire or to love or be loved or desire? What's the shape of my future?
I do not know. I do not understand where other people get answers to these questions. Do they even get these questions or do these things come to them, naturally?
I feel empty. I just realized this emptiness is heavier. Because it's noisy. The questions echo. They have that scary devil's voice with little air whooshing around, the devil's tail strapped around my neck, choking me tighter as I skip every one of those questions unanswered. Grh...

How do people do this? How do they function? I see people planning, and building, each block filled with meaning, each brick shaped with hard work and perspiration. I wait for myself to feel the kick to do the same. But, I don't feel the kick. And now, I don't even want to feel it. Because I can't even see myself in my own future anymore or with people. When I peek into the idea of the future in my mind, I see myself as absent. Non-existent. I see myself as nothingness. Blended into the atmosphere? Or buried deep under that rock bottom after being sucked by the quicksand pit? 

No desire. No want. No hope. No success. No failure. No love. No war. Just nothing. Oblivion. Nothingness — is probably my only fantasy.

- Oizys.

Monday, March 7, 2022

Teas & Books Galore!

As a tea lover, I'm always looking for ways to expand my knowledge of this beloved drink. Whether it's learning about the history and culture of tea or exploring the different varieties and growing regions, there's always something new to discover. Over the years, I've come across some fantastic tea-related books that have helped me deepen my understanding of this complex and fascinating beverage. Here are my personal reviews on some of the most fascinating books on tea that I have come across.

1. "Tea: History, Terroirs, Varieties (Third Edition)" by Kevin Gascoyne, François Marchand, and Jasmin Desharnais is a fascinating read that delves deep into the world of tea, exploring its rich history, diverse terroirs, and myriad varieties. As a tea lover, I found myself engrossed in the authors' vivid descriptions of different tea regions, the unique flavours and aromas of each tea, and the cultural significance of tea around the world. This book is a treasure trove of information for anyone who wants to expand their knowledge of tea.

 

2. "The Book of Tea" by Okakura Kakuzo is a classic text that offers a poetic and philosophical take on the tea ceremony and its place in Japanese culture. As I read this book, I found myself transported to a world of serenity and contemplation, where the simple act of drinking tea can become a deeply meaningful experience. The author's musings on the beauty of imperfection, the transience of life, and the harmony of nature and humanity are both inspiring and thought-provoking. It is available on Google Books free of charge!

Buy The Book of Tea Classic Edition Book Online at Low Prices in India | The  Book of Tea Classic Edition Reviews & Ratings - Amazon.in

3. "Tea: A Nerd's Eye View" by Jhanne Jasmine is a quirky and fun exploration of the science behind tea. As a self-proclaimed tea nerd, I thoroughly enjoyed learning about the chemistry, biology, and physics of tea, from the compounds that give tea its unique flavour to the role of water temperature in brewing the perfect cup. This book is a great read for anyone who loves tea and wants to deepen their understanding of this fascinating beverage.

Buy Tea: a Nerd's Eye View Book Online at Low Prices in India | Tea: a  Nerd's Eye View Reviews & Ratings - Amazon.in

4. "The Book of Japanese Tea" by Oscar Brekell is a beautiful and informative guide to the world of Japanese tea. As someone who is passionate about both tea and Japanese culture, I found this book to be a real treasure trove of information. Berkell explores the history of tea in Japan, the different varieties of tea grown there, and the unique brewing methods used to make each one.

The Book of Japanese Tea by Per Oscar Brekell | Goodreads

5. "For All the Tea in China" by Sarah Rose is a fascinating historical account of the British tea trade in China during the 19th century. This book tells the story of Robert Fortune, a botanist who was sent on a mission by the British East India Company to steal tea plants and the secrets of tea production from China. I was gripped by this tale of espionage and adventure, and it gave me a new appreciation for the complex history of tea.

For All the Tea in China: Espionage, Empire and the Secret Formula for the  World's Favourite Drink eBook : Rose, Sarah: Amazon.in: Books

6. "Puer Tea: Ancient Caravans and Urban Chic" by Jinghong Zhang is a comprehensive guide to one of the world's most revered and mysterious teas. Puer tea, which is produced in China's Yunnan Province, has a long and storied history, and is said to have many health benefits. Zhang delves into the cultural significance of Puer tea, as well as the different varieties and brewing methods used to make it. As a tea lover, I found this book to be a real eye-opener and I learned so much about this fascinating drink.

 Puer Tea: Ancient Caravans and Urban Chic (Culture, Place, and Nature)  eBook : Zhang, Jinghong: Amazon.in: Kindle Store

7. "The True History of Tea" by Victor H. Mair and Erling Hoh is the book if you're looking for a comprehensive and scholarly exploration of the history of tea. The book delves into the origins and evolution of tea culture, covering everything from the early days of tea consumption in China to the global spread of tea during the colonial era. With extensive research and beautiful illustrations, the book provides a fascinating look at the role of tea in human history.

 The true history of tea : Mair, Victor H., 1943- : Free Download, Borrow,  and Streaming : Internet Archive

8. "Pearl Among the Clouds" by Ueda Akinari is a beautiful book that tells the story of how tea was introduced to Japan. It's a lyrical and poetic book that will transport you to another time and place. As I read the book, I felt as though I was right there with the author, experiencing the breathtaking landscapes and encountering the fascinating people of Tibet. Sokei's writing is vivid and engaging, making this book a joy to read.

 Book Review: Pearl Among the Clouds - Issoan Tea

9. "The Way of Tea" by Rand Castile is a practical guide to the Japanese tea ceremony. If you're interested in learning more about this ancient art form, this is the book for you. As a tea lover myself, I found this book to be a treasure trove of information about one of my favourite beverages. Castile's insights into the spiritual significance of tea in Japanese society were particularly fascinating, and his descriptions of the tea ceremony left me yearning to experience it for myself. It's full of beautiful photographs and step-by-step instructions that will help you master the tea ceremony.

 The Way of Tea by Rand Castile - Fonts In Use

10. "The Darjeeling Distinction" by Sarah Besky is a fascinating look at the tea industry in Darjeeling. This book sheds light on the complex social and economic issues surrounding the production of one of the world's most beloved teas. Besky's writing is insightful and thought-provoking, making this book a must-read for anyone interested in the ethics of the food industry.

The Darjeeling Distinction by Sarah Besky - Paperback - University of  California Press

11. "The Classic of Tea" by Lu Yu is a timeless book that was written over a thousand years ago. It's a beautiful meditation on the art of tea and its place in Chinese culture. If you're interested in the history and culture of tea, this is a must-read. It is a book that has been on my reading list for some time, and I'm so glad I finally got around to reading it. This ancient Chinese text is a fascinating exploration of the history and culture of tea. As someone who enjoys tea as much for its cultural significance as for its taste, I found Lu Yu's insights into the spiritual and social significance of tea to be incredibly interesting.

Buy The Classic of Tea – Origins & Rituals Book Online at Low Prices in  India | The Classic of Tea – Origins & Rituals Reviews & Ratings - Amazon.in

12. "The Tea Book" by Linda Gaylard is a comprehensive guide to tea from around the world. It covers everything from the history of tea to the different types and brewing methods. It's a great book for beginners who want to learn more about tea. As a tea lover, I found this book to be a fantastic resource for learning about different tea varieties and brewing methods. Gaylard's writing is engaging and accessible, making this book perfect for both tea enthusiasts and newcomers to the world of tea.

 Amazon.in: Buy The Tea Book Book Online at Low Prices in India | The Tea  Book Reviews & Ratings

13. "The Story of Tea" by Mary Lou Heiss is a comprehensive and engaging exploration of the history and culture surrounding one of the world's most beloved beverages. As someone who has always been fascinated by tea, I found this book to be an incredibly informative and enjoyable read. Heiss delves into the ancient origins of tea, tracing its evolution through the centuries and across different cultures, from the tea gardens of China to the tea salons of Europe.

The Story of Tea eBook by Mary Lou Heiss - EPUB | Rakuten Kobo India

14. "A Bowl for a Coin" by Vanessa Kimbell is a unique and beautifully crafted book that offers a personal and poetic perspective on the world of bread-making. As someone who has always found bread-making to be a meditative and rewarding activity, I found Kimbell's reflections on the subject to be insightful and inspiring. Her prose is lyrical and evocative, transporting the reader to a world of flour and yeast, of kneading and rising.

A Bowl for a Coin: A Commodity History of Japanese Tea : Farris, William  Wayne: Amazon.in: Books

15. "The Tea Book: All Things Tea" by Nick Kilby and Louise Cheadle, the cocreators of Teapigs, is a charming and accessible introduction to the world of tea. As someone who is always looking to expand my knowledge of different teas and brewing techniques, I found this book to be a great starting point. It covers everything from the history of tea to the different types of tea and how to prepare them, and is full of beautiful photographs and illustrations. What I particularly appreciated about this book was its emphasis on the importance of quality and ethical sourcing, something that is increasingly important to many tea drinkers today.

Buy The Tea Book: All Things Tea Book Online at Low Prices in India | The  Tea Book: All Things Tea Reviews & Ratings - Amazon.in

These are just a few of the many books on tea that I have enjoyed reading over the years. Whether you're a tea enthusiast or simply interested in the cultural significance of tea, there's a book out there for you. So sit back, brew a cup of your favourite tea, and delve into the fascinating world of tea.

- Oizys.

Tuesday, June 1, 2021

An Empty Soda Can

"How is it going?" Someone asked me.

I don't know...? A lot, maybe? To be honest, I haven't "talked" to anyone since the pandemic. But when I think about it, I don't think I have ever even talked to anyone in the pre-pandemic era. Most of the time, I am blank about what to say. I have a few stuff going on in my mind, what doesn't come out? It's so obscure.

I have also realized I don't have an ambition or goal or hobby-like thing to keep me going. I keep going on because I have to. Because I don't have any other way. I submit my assignments and get fair marks. But, I am not special or good at anything. Hence, wasn't able to secure an internship for this summer. Which has created and has been feeding a fear in the back of my mind, that I would struggle to get a good-paying job. Then, I won't be able to clear my student loans. Adding to it, I also don't enjoy the field I am studying in, but I can manage it so I am doing it. If I had a chance, I wouldn't study in this field, for sure. But then again, I don't know what else to do as my ability to explore was chopped off because I had to fit in to meet my parents' expectations. Now, I don't even have the energy to explore anymore which makes me... sad.

I don't hate my friends. They are amazing people. Great human beings. But, I don't think they are my friends, anymore. Rather, we text each other when we need something college-related and are just 4-5 in number. I feel like even my friendships, through the course of this pandemic, have weakened to a point that if I try to water them, they will just decay. We are just together because it's convenient and help each other with college stuff. Due to this scrolling addiction, I even exited all forms of social media platforms and we just text each other WA in a group. I don't even text any one of them personally. And, I am not that close to my family, they think I am having the time of my life, in my early 20s, being rebellious to their justified-controlling-and-super-toxic-behavior whereas I have just fallen apart and don't care anymore. Holding my pieces and existing. I don't have a person in my life I am close to. And, this pandemic has wiped out all my leftover and poor abilities to socialize or even "want" someone. Now, I just sit in front of my laptop, do some classes, and write some pages for some marks. And, sit in my corner.

Back then, before the pandemic, I liked to read and sometimes, maybe write (and fail miserably). Books had a soothing effect on me. Being constantly judged for my skin color and appearance by my relatives, cousins, and kids around the school, I had shut myself from socializing and let my dark skin color be a filter for whosoever wanted to approach me or not and I resorted to reading and libraries. Now, I don't even have the energy to read...? One thing that I liked? I don't feel like doing it anymore. One thing in life that didn't feel like a chore? Rather, felt "me"? One thing that was spiritual in my mundane life?

I think I have become non-receptive to emotions or feelings. Having never been dated or romantically involved in even the least possible way and now restricted in this pandemic which has butchered almost all future possibilities of mine to find someone (not even a romantic partner but just like, even a person in life), has made me think and plan about living alone. Now, I just wanna graduate, get a job that will get me through, get away from my family, and exist by myself. Even texting or talking or getting to know someone is exhausting. Not that I want to hurt anyone's feelings but, I don't want to text or hang out, I feel tired.

Even though not much is "disturbing" in life, everything, this hollowness, feels so disturbed. The only thing that provides me with some ease is my blanket and bed when my eyes are closed. There's absolutely nothing I dream of, I yearn for. I am too scared to put a full stop. But, I want to escape. Who the hell put this rule that we need a full stop to leave everything? I don't even have anything in my "oh life is a beautiful gift" existence that brings anything to anyone's table or puts anything on my table that anyone would approach. Can I simply not exist and just escape in a smooth, non-dramatic manner?

I feel like that used, empty soda can. Waiting for a truck to run over and end the story once and for all.

- Oizys.

Thursday, October 1, 2020

Subsisting In The Abyss

Do you ever feel so lonely around so many known people? Do you ever feel like shouting and screaming at them hoping someone would hear your voice? But when you open your mouth, your throat is blocked with a ball of fear. A fear that your voice might be lost? A fear that your voice might be ignored? A fear that your voice might be judged? Laughed at? Criticized?

Do you ever feel so many emotions at once that you want to take them out? But when you look around, you feel so lonely in your own house, feel hollow in a family, unwelcome in a friend circle? Do you feel as if they will err your emotions? Brush it off as unimportant? Do you feel uninvited and as if you hold no value whatsoever to anyone in your life? Whatever you go through, what you feel won't matter to anyone at all. Won't affect anyone. Won't panic anyone.

Do you ever feel like not talking to people because somewhere you know they are gonna tell you something that you never want to hear? That you hate it? But then you can't even deny so you just hear them out and let those words etch your soul?

Do you ever feel there is a phase in your life when you cry every night? When everything is just falling apart? When everything just seems wrong no matter what? When you hate everything yet you still have to sit in the front seat, look at your life taking all the wrong and unwanted turns?

Do you ever feel scared of human beings? Scared of their true nature? Their coldness? Their hatred? Their real feelings? Whatever are thoughts weaving inside their minds while they send a smile your way?

Do you ever forget that you are part of other people’s lives because you feel empty? So terrified that when they see you or ask of you, you run away so as not to draw attention to yourself?

Do you feel like running away when you hear someone approach near room? Your heart beats faster, your mind becomes a floor and your thoughts are a bunch of hair, messy and tangled. You hear their footsteps, listen to their noises and hope they don’t knock on your door or call your name.

Do you ever feel like you are not living but just bubbling through this life from one thing to another and watch days and nights and days pass by hoping for the ending to start soon?

If there was a word for the state of mind that is exactly the opposite of wanting something really bad, I would gladly make that the title of the book of my life. A proportionate mixture of ignorance and apathy filled with ice cubes of aches here and there. No matter whatever support or positive message I receive, they all sound like a thief stepping into a dark house full of empty vessels. Uncalled and unaffecting.

I feel myself in a quicksand; wriggling my legs. I can escape, but the effort just seems more and more taxing until I give up and just sit down and stop struggling. Wallowing feels more earthly and doable rather than fighting for life. And when the sand engulfs me, I feel like going down a black chasm that gets darker and deeper each day passing by. Because I do. And I am. I am feeling all of these together, right now. Even when I am scribbling these words down. Even writing these feelings out isn't flowing away with the ink. Even emptying the bottle isn't easing my soul. Rather making my heart and mind heavy altogether. More scared. More lonely. More unwanted. More worthless. And all of these are making me feel like disappearing from here, there, from everywhere. Feel like giving up my wings. Let the sky chop off my wings. And then let the sea swallow me. So deep that I will be so away from all these feelings. All the emptiness. All the lumps in my throat. All the worries in my heart. All the fears in my mind. And, just keep drowning. And drowning. Until I hit the depths of the dark sea. Where I would be finally free from these burdened wings. Free from... humans? Or, free from myself?

- Oizys.

Tuesday, May 7, 2019

Light After Darkness

It's been days. Days and nights.
Without light and warmth.
My body was crippled in this darkness. My heart froze solid.
Without my guiding light.
Without my warm sun. This soul itches to reach out into the day.
Keeps on finding the way to reach the sun.
In this dark path, I'm looking for the light.
All I've got are memories.
Memories of me and my sun, how it lighted up my day with bright colors and warm feelings.
Memories of me and my sun, sprinting with energy all through the day.
Memories of me and my sun, just together, distanced yet close enough to bask in each other's love.
But. Now. We are so far apart. So away. So far.
From each other, I can't even sense the warmth.
See the shine. It's all just dark. Pure, black darkness.
My body is just moving, falling, getting up, and moving.
Struggling to find that one day of light.
One ray of hope. From the sun. Dreading it for life.

Is it that difficult to find the light after darkness?
Is night that far away from the day?
Is the moon separate from the sun?
Is it that difficult to be loved all over again?
I don't know.
All I know is.
This body. This heart. This soul.
Needs the sun.
Needs the light of her sun to exist.
To breathe. To live.
All over again.
All I crave is my sun.
Is it too much to ask for?
Is tomorrow morning too much to ask for?

- Oizys.