Random Diary Entry - 21st February 2023

Got an Interview Invitation -- Too Scared -- Intrusive Thoughts to Withdraw

So, I had posted here a few days ago about being overly obsessed with my top-choice university. I just received an email a while ago for an interview. It's a Master's program. I was really excited about the university. Now that I have been selected for the interview, I am so anxious.

I feel like I am mediocre, and I'm just obsessed with the university, but I never really prepared myself. I am really freaking out. I always dreamed of going to this university. Now that I am one step closer, knowing that the next step will determine whether I am able to join the programme or not, I am really freaking out. It's not just normal nervousness. I am really chickening out. I am having intrusive thoughts about withdrawing my application. I constantly feel like I am not prepared. that I am not eligible for this.

Nobody else knows I applied for this because my parents won't allow me to study at a foreign university. That's why I was applying to a foreign university in order to get out of here. But, at the same time, I didn't want to just go away and do something I hated. So, when I found this university, I got excited and very interested.

Now, I am freaking out. I also feel like I have impersonated someone on my CV. I am unable to focus on the academic essay that I wrote for this application. I love the subject I am applying for. It is my major, and I am at the top of my class, not only in marks but also because my current professors have encouraged me to take up academia and research in this subject. But I don't feel like I deserve this. I feel lowly. Measly.

I need to give them a reply to confirm the time slot for the interview. But I am unable to. I am unable to even write a response. Maybe I should step back? I feel like I don't deserve to sit for this interview. I know I will botch this interview up. Plus, I have never given an official, proper, serious interview before. I have given telephonic interviews but not video ones like this, with a senior professor asking questions and all.

I wish I had someone to talk to about this in person. My friends are not exactly interested in this. My parents—well, as I mentioned before, they can't know. I am just so, so scared that I feel worthless. There is a very vague, dreadful feeling in my stomach. But the feeling of being doomed in my mind is vivid. I am unable to eat.

- Oizys.