The live stream of graduation 2023.
Showing posts with label Rollercoaster of Rejection. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Rollercoaster of Rejection. Show all posts
Friday, June 23, 2023
Thursday, June 1, 2023
Wednesday, May 31, 2023
Random Diary Entry - 31st May 2023
Waitlist Expires Today; No Offer - Feeling Low
I was waitlisted in late March, and I waited for a response. But, I didn't receive any. But today's the day; the waitlist expires, and no offers will be given anymore after this. Although, by the beginning of March, I knew I had no hope and had given up and accepted it as a rejection. I have already made up my mind to apply again next year and have accepted a job. I still feel very low and sad. After I was interviewed, I really felt like I had a chance. Anyway, it's just today, and then officially, the portal will close, and I will just have to wait and improve myself until the next session's application portal opens. I just thought people here would understand this emotion because my family and friends are not very receptive or enthusiastic about my grad applications. Just a vent. Thanks.
- Oizys.
I was waitlisted in late March, and I waited for a response. But, I didn't receive any. But today's the day; the waitlist expires, and no offers will be given anymore after this. Although, by the beginning of March, I knew I had no hope and had given up and accepted it as a rejection. I have already made up my mind to apply again next year and have accepted a job. I still feel very low and sad. After I was interviewed, I really felt like I had a chance. Anyway, it's just today, and then officially, the portal will close, and I will just have to wait and improve myself until the next session's application portal opens. I just thought people here would understand this emotion because my family and friends are not very receptive or enthusiastic about my grad applications. Just a vent. Thanks.
- Oizys.
Thursday, May 18, 2023
Random Diary Entry - 18th May 2023
Officially rejected from every uni this year!
Well. Done and dusted. Rejected from every university this cycle. I have no energy, no patience, and no hope left. I'm tired of people around me packing their bags and updating their lives. I hate that I can't be happy for them because all these rejections have filled me up with self- hatred. Every time someone gives me sympathy or a positive message, I feel enraged. Feels like platitudes. Then I feel guilty about feeling enraged because deep down a part of me knows, they mean well. I need to find a job. Job rejections are kicking me when I am already down. Shit hell. I wish I could disappear.
- Oizys.
Well. Done and dusted. Rejected from every university this cycle. I have no energy, no patience, and no hope left. I'm tired of people around me packing their bags and updating their lives. I hate that I can't be happy for them because all these rejections have filled me up with self- hatred. Every time someone gives me sympathy or a positive message, I feel enraged. Feels like platitudes. Then I feel guilty about feeling enraged because deep down a part of me knows, they mean well. I need to find a job. Job rejections are kicking me when I am already down. Shit hell. I wish I could disappear.
- Oizys.
Sunday, April 23, 2023
Random Diary Entry - 23 April 2023
Successfully completed one month on the waitlist
I waited for three months for an interview. Then I waited a month for a result. Got waitlisted. Today marks the completion of one month on the waitlist. Life in the waiting room is weird. I feel so stuck. As if I cannot move forward. It is like restless patience.
- Oizys.
I waited for three months for an interview. Then I waited a month for a result. Got waitlisted. Today marks the completion of one month on the waitlist. Life in the waiting room is weird. I feel so stuck. As if I cannot move forward. It is like restless patience.
- Oizys.
Wednesday, April 19, 2023
Random Diary Entry - 20th April 2023
Deep in obsession - Unable to give up
I feel as if I am too deep in obsession with my dream school, and I am unable to give up. unable to accept reality. It's been almost a month I am in waitlist. People who had received offers after I got waitlisted rejected them and got second offers. I am still in waitlist. I feel practically like I don't have a chance. I know that. But I am unable to give up. But I know. That means that even if I get an offer now, there won't be much financial aid. So, I won't be able to attend. I feel deluded that some kind of magic will happen. As if they will suddenly send an amazing offer and ask me to join the programme. I am scared and sad. I feel helpless and hopeless.
How do I give up and recover from this?
- Oizys.
I feel as if I am too deep in obsession with my dream school, and I am unable to give up. unable to accept reality. It's been almost a month I am in waitlist. People who had received offers after I got waitlisted rejected them and got second offers. I am still in waitlist. I feel practically like I don't have a chance. I know that. But I am unable to give up. But I know. That means that even if I get an offer now, there won't be much financial aid. So, I won't be able to attend. I feel deluded that some kind of magic will happen. As if they will suddenly send an amazing offer and ask me to join the programme. I am scared and sad. I feel helpless and hopeless.
How do I give up and recover from this?
- Oizys.
Tuesday, April 11, 2023
Random Diary Entry - 11th April 2023
Reject me...
I know you gonna reject me in the end. Just do it. So I can start my wallowing in the self-pity phase with absolutely zero affirmation and support around me. Reject me, just click send.
- Oizys.
I know you gonna reject me in the end. Just do it. So I can start my wallowing in the self-pity phase with absolutely zero affirmation and support around me. Reject me, just click send.
- Oizys.
Monday, April 10, 2023
Random Diary Entry - 10 April 2023
How To Give Up?
Maybe I am being dramatic, but I have nowhere else to vent this. I just cannot go on like this. I am in a constant state of pressure and urgency. And I feel as if this is making me an annoyed and mean person towards everyone. I feel like slipping into a black hole.
But the thing is, my parents are not at all supportive of me going abroad to study, and they are constantly trying to sabotage my plans with demotivating talks and taunts. And even my friends keep telling me not to move away like that. I am not even selected anywhere yet...
I really thought graduate school would be my way out to leave. To leave the country and go far, far away. At least for a year. I really love studying. But, here I am, struggling to even find jobs.
And to top it all off, this application process is so, so, so... draining. Part of it is my fault because I overestimated myself, I guess. I thought I was qualified, but I don't feel very qualified anymore. My LOR process for the applications and scholarships was a complete mess, starting from looking for LOR writers to technical glitches in LOR submission to professors not uploading references in time, resulting in application expiration. I could not even take one of those English tests, because first, they cost a lot (I spent most of my money on application fees), and there is no test centre in my town, so I'd have had to go to another city to appear the same, hence the added cost. Some universities did consider waiving English proficiency proof, but some didn't. At first, my parents said if I got a partial scholarship, they would assist me with the remaining funds. Now that I am on the waitlist, they have outright denied that they won't help me at all. And there are so many things that one can't even write down to share.
I feel like I am just cribbing a lot, and I know that this is something everyone is going through in the application process. But I am just in a perpetual state of anxiety with no affirmation around me. I feel very lonely and scared all the time even though I read all of your posts here and so many people are having it worse than me I guess. I do nothing but wait all day for what I do not know, and yet I get tired as if I have done some hard labour.
The question is, is it even worth it? Should I just give up and look for jobs instead? Is mentally and emotionally overpaying so much worth it? If I don't get selected, would it all be worth it? Because I don't think I will be able to apply again next year. Maybe a few years later, if the situation permits. So, is giving up my present time, peace, and sanity for this worth it? What if I get rejected? What if I get selected but don't get enough funds? I won't be able to go. I wish there was a way to escape, and I wish I hadn't gotten so obsessed with my top-choice universities. I wish I hadn't dreamt. I fantasised so much, and now that the reality truck is hitting me, it hurts much more than it should.
I'm just so tired. How do I give up?
- Oizys.
Maybe I am being dramatic, but I have nowhere else to vent this. I just cannot go on like this. I am in a constant state of pressure and urgency. And I feel as if this is making me an annoyed and mean person towards everyone. I feel like slipping into a black hole.
But the thing is, my parents are not at all supportive of me going abroad to study, and they are constantly trying to sabotage my plans with demotivating talks and taunts. And even my friends keep telling me not to move away like that. I am not even selected anywhere yet...
I really thought graduate school would be my way out to leave. To leave the country and go far, far away. At least for a year. I really love studying. But, here I am, struggling to even find jobs.
And to top it all off, this application process is so, so, so... draining. Part of it is my fault because I overestimated myself, I guess. I thought I was qualified, but I don't feel very qualified anymore. My LOR process for the applications and scholarships was a complete mess, starting from looking for LOR writers to technical glitches in LOR submission to professors not uploading references in time, resulting in application expiration. I could not even take one of those English tests, because first, they cost a lot (I spent most of my money on application fees), and there is no test centre in my town, so I'd have had to go to another city to appear the same, hence the added cost. Some universities did consider waiving English proficiency proof, but some didn't. At first, my parents said if I got a partial scholarship, they would assist me with the remaining funds. Now that I am on the waitlist, they have outright denied that they won't help me at all. And there are so many things that one can't even write down to share.
I feel like I am just cribbing a lot, and I know that this is something everyone is going through in the application process. But I am just in a perpetual state of anxiety with no affirmation around me. I feel very lonely and scared all the time even though I read all of your posts here and so many people are having it worse than me I guess. I do nothing but wait all day for what I do not know, and yet I get tired as if I have done some hard labour.
The question is, is it even worth it? Should I just give up and look for jobs instead? Is mentally and emotionally overpaying so much worth it? If I don't get selected, would it all be worth it? Because I don't think I will be able to apply again next year. Maybe a few years later, if the situation permits. So, is giving up my present time, peace, and sanity for this worth it? What if I get rejected? What if I get selected but don't get enough funds? I won't be able to go. I wish there was a way to escape, and I wish I hadn't gotten so obsessed with my top-choice universities. I wish I hadn't dreamt. I fantasised so much, and now that the reality truck is hitting me, it hurts much more than it should.
I'm just so tired. How do I give up?
- Oizys.
Sunday, April 2, 2023
Random Diary Entry - 2nd April 2023
Living In The Waiting Room
Is anyone else on the waitlist?
I feel so divided. So many conflicted emotions. On one hand, when I got waitlisted, I was hopeful. I thought they saw something worthwhile in my application and in the interview, so they waitlisted me. But, at the same time, I see many other applications getting offers and them accepting them, and I don't feel like I have a chance. It becomes more oblivious and annoying when you don't know your position on the waitlist. I constantly feel, what am I waiting for? Should I just give up? Even if I get selected, what if I don't get a good scholarship or stipend after elevating from the waitlist?
Just want to get this over with. Just let me know, if you want me or not!
- Oizys.
Is anyone else on the waitlist?
I feel so divided. So many conflicted emotions. On one hand, when I got waitlisted, I was hopeful. I thought they saw something worthwhile in my application and in the interview, so they waitlisted me. But, at the same time, I see many other applications getting offers and them accepting them, and I don't feel like I have a chance. It becomes more oblivious and annoying when you don't know your position on the waitlist. I constantly feel, what am I waiting for? Should I just give up? Even if I get selected, what if I don't get a good scholarship or stipend after elevating from the waitlist?
Just want to get this over with. Just let me know, if you want me or not!
- Oizys.
Thursday, March 23, 2023
Tuesday, February 28, 2023
Random Diary Entry - 28 February 2023
Gave my interview yesterday...
I had my master's interview yesterday. And I keep replaying my interview in my head and feel mortified.
I joined early, waited nervously in the waiting room, and tried to calm my nerves by taking deep breaths. When I was allowed into the meeting, I put on my best smile and tried to appear confident. But, inside, I was a bundle of nerves. The interview went by in a blur. I only remember stumbling over my words, losing my train of thought, and feeling like I wasn't making a good impression. As the interview ended, I couldn't help but feel like I had blown it.
Now, I'm constantly thinking about the interview and the fact that the results will be declared at the end of March. The waiting is driving me crazy, and I can't stop thinking about what I could have done differently.
I know that I need to try and forget about it and move on, but I can't help but feel like this interview was my one shot. I can only hope that my nerves didn't get the best of me and that I made a good impression on the interviewer, who happens to be the chair of the program. It is the only programme I have applied for, partly because it specifically fits my interests with its generous funding. I came across another programme to apply for, but my LOR writers have not responded to me yet.
I will have to wait for the results and see what the future holds for me.
- Oizys.
I had my master's interview yesterday. And I keep replaying my interview in my head and feel mortified.
I joined early, waited nervously in the waiting room, and tried to calm my nerves by taking deep breaths. When I was allowed into the meeting, I put on my best smile and tried to appear confident. But, inside, I was a bundle of nerves. The interview went by in a blur. I only remember stumbling over my words, losing my train of thought, and feeling like I wasn't making a good impression. As the interview ended, I couldn't help but feel like I had blown it.
Now, I'm constantly thinking about the interview and the fact that the results will be declared at the end of March. The waiting is driving me crazy, and I can't stop thinking about what I could have done differently.
I know that I need to try and forget about it and move on, but I can't help but feel like this interview was my one shot. I can only hope that my nerves didn't get the best of me and that I made a good impression on the interviewer, who happens to be the chair of the program. It is the only programme I have applied for, partly because it specifically fits my interests with its generous funding. I came across another programme to apply for, but my LOR writers have not responded to me yet.
I will have to wait for the results and see what the future holds for me.
- Oizys.
Tuesday, February 21, 2023
Random Diary Entry - 21st February 2023
Got an Interview Invitation -- Too Scared -- Intrusive Thoughts to Withdraw
So, I had posted here a few days ago about being overly obsessed with my top-choice university. I just received an email a while ago for an interview. It's a Master's program. I was really excited about the university. Now that I have been selected for the interview, I am so anxious.
I feel like I am mediocre, and I'm just obsessed with the university, but I never really prepared myself. I am really freaking out. I always dreamed of going to this university. Now that I am one step closer, knowing that the next step will determine whether I am able to join the programme or not, I am really freaking out. It's not just normal nervousness. I am really chickening out. I am having intrusive thoughts about withdrawing my application. I constantly feel like I am not prepared. that I am not eligible for this.
Nobody else knows I applied for this because my parents won't allow me to study at a foreign university. That's why I was applying to a foreign university in order to get out of here. But, at the same time, I didn't want to just go away and do something I hated. So, when I found this university, I got excited and very interested.
Now, I am freaking out. I also feel like I have impersonated someone on my CV. I am unable to focus on the academic essay that I wrote for this application. I love the subject I am applying for. It is my major, and I am at the top of my class, not only in marks but also because my current professors have encouraged me to take up academia and research in this subject. But I don't feel like I deserve this. I feel lowly. Measly.
I need to give them a reply to confirm the time slot for the interview. But I am unable to. I am unable to even write a response. Maybe I should step back? I feel like I don't deserve to sit for this interview. I know I will botch this interview up. Plus, I have never given an official, proper, serious interview before. I have given telephonic interviews but not video ones like this, with a senior professor asking questions and all.
I wish I had someone to talk to about this in person. My friends are not exactly interested in this. My parents—well, as I mentioned before, they can't know. I am just so, so scared that I feel worthless. There is a very vague, dreadful feeling in my stomach. But the feeling of being doomed in my mind is vivid. I am unable to eat.
- Oizys.
So, I had posted here a few days ago about being overly obsessed with my top-choice university. I just received an email a while ago for an interview. It's a Master's program. I was really excited about the university. Now that I have been selected for the interview, I am so anxious.
I feel like I am mediocre, and I'm just obsessed with the university, but I never really prepared myself. I am really freaking out. I always dreamed of going to this university. Now that I am one step closer, knowing that the next step will determine whether I am able to join the programme or not, I am really freaking out. It's not just normal nervousness. I am really chickening out. I am having intrusive thoughts about withdrawing my application. I constantly feel like I am not prepared. that I am not eligible for this.
Nobody else knows I applied for this because my parents won't allow me to study at a foreign university. That's why I was applying to a foreign university in order to get out of here. But, at the same time, I didn't want to just go away and do something I hated. So, when I found this university, I got excited and very interested.
Now, I am freaking out. I also feel like I have impersonated someone on my CV. I am unable to focus on the academic essay that I wrote for this application. I love the subject I am applying for. It is my major, and I am at the top of my class, not only in marks but also because my current professors have encouraged me to take up academia and research in this subject. But I don't feel like I deserve this. I feel lowly. Measly.
I need to give them a reply to confirm the time slot for the interview. But I am unable to. I am unable to even write a response. Maybe I should step back? I feel like I don't deserve to sit for this interview. I know I will botch this interview up. Plus, I have never given an official, proper, serious interview before. I have given telephonic interviews but not video ones like this, with a senior professor asking questions and all.
I wish I had someone to talk to about this in person. My friends are not exactly interested in this. My parents—well, as I mentioned before, they can't know. I am just so, so scared that I feel worthless. There is a very vague, dreadful feeling in my stomach. But the feeling of being doomed in my mind is vivid. I am unable to eat.
- Oizys.
Sunday, February 19, 2023
Random Diary Entry - 19th February 2023
Forming an unhealthy obsession with my top-choice university
This might be a very embarrassing, but I just need to let it out (and, maybe, seek a bit of validation as to whether it's normal and whether other people do it or not).
I applied to one university for a very specific Master's program, and I am becoming obsessed with it. There is no such thing as a day or a minute when I don't stop searching for it and thinking about getting in. I know "the perfect university" might sound banal to some people. But I can't stop thinking about how perfectly it fits me. I am getting so lost underneath the heavy blanket of fantasies that I keep forgetting that my application is not outstanding. My grades, publications, and activities are not "striking." Heck, even my academic essay, on which I spent months and months researching and editing, is not that remarkable. I am still awaiting an interview letter. There is a good chance I may not get selected for an interview, let alone getting accepted. But all I've done and continue to do is religiously "stalk" my university, watch their YouTube videos, follow their every post and account, attend their model classes, attend their webinars, apply for their summer programs, connect with previous and current university students on LinkedIn, check their profiles, and occasionally compare if I have a chance (which always ends in disappointment).
But, at the same time, there is a part of me that knows I may not get accepted and all this obsession might come crashing down around my ears. That part of me wants to stop, but at this point I am too scared to face reality because I have invested too much, and I just want to hide behind "fantasies" while I wait for a rejection letter.
- Oizys.
This might be a very embarrassing, but I just need to let it out (and, maybe, seek a bit of validation as to whether it's normal and whether other people do it or not).
I applied to one university for a very specific Master's program, and I am becoming obsessed with it. There is no such thing as a day or a minute when I don't stop searching for it and thinking about getting in. I know "the perfect university" might sound banal to some people. But I can't stop thinking about how perfectly it fits me. I am getting so lost underneath the heavy blanket of fantasies that I keep forgetting that my application is not outstanding. My grades, publications, and activities are not "striking." Heck, even my academic essay, on which I spent months and months researching and editing, is not that remarkable. I am still awaiting an interview letter. There is a good chance I may not get selected for an interview, let alone getting accepted. But all I've done and continue to do is religiously "stalk" my university, watch their YouTube videos, follow their every post and account, attend their model classes, attend their webinars, apply for their summer programs, connect with previous and current university students on LinkedIn, check their profiles, and occasionally compare if I have a chance (which always ends in disappointment).
But, at the same time, there is a part of me that knows I may not get accepted and all this obsession might come crashing down around my ears. That part of me wants to stop, but at this point I am too scared to face reality because I have invested too much, and I just want to hide behind "fantasies" while I wait for a rejection letter.
- Oizys.
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