Thursday, March 30, 2023

Life of an Asian Kid: Stuck Between Rock (Ultra-Collectivist Culture) & Hard Place (Hyper-Individualistic Solutions)

The greatest challenge I am facing as a twenty-something Asian is being stuck between a rock and a hard place.

On one hand, you have been beaten into shape by this ultra-collectivist society that only values you when you are a part of the structure, an unquestioning member of the family, and a blind follower of the community. And, when you start going out into the world, you discover the concept of individuality and self-expression. You realise all the wrongdoings done to you in the name of "culture". And, when you seek a way out, a path of discovering yourself, you are bombarded with tone-deaf solutions like "Just move out", or "Cut them off". Yes, we know that. We know we need to move out. We need to cut them off. We need to get financially independent.

But, sometimes, the problem is not just moving out. Not earning your own money. It is about navigating your personhood. It is so, so lonely. No one tells you that. The transition is so lonely when you break yourself away from the "community" so you can grow your own full-fledged self. That detachment is so painful, even if you're losing an unwanted part of your body, it hurts. It is such a fragile state that we think we are not even allowed to make mistakes because God forbid if we fail, we get told how our individuality and freedom are worthless. And some of us, in our weak state, cleave back to our society, thinking failure is something we cannot afford as human beings. The journey when you realise a part of your personhood includes mistakes is normal is so difficult. The lingering guilt that stays rent-free in the back of our minds that discovering ourselves is somehow an act of betrayal. Our trained minds make us think like that because we quite literally abandon years of our manufactured lives to look for ourselves. To look for something that is inevitably ours. It is very difficult for us to leave because we feel as if we are leaving something behind, even though it was never ours but something is given to us by our parents, families, and society, from which we have to squeeze out returns and give back what we owe to them.

For years, I did not know who I was. What my likes were. What my dislikes were. What my personality is. What my opinions were. Heck, I could not even realise the reason I did not like milk: I was lactose intolerant. As I grew up and started feeling things, and my mind, my body, and my thoughts were also trying to get adjusted to those feelings, my mother would often complain that I had become disobedient, picky, or high-maintenance. She did not like the fact that she cannot "mother" me any more because I have come to know "too much". They delude you from yourself. And when you leave the culture, you are left alone with yourself. It feels like you are with a stranger. You don't know who that person is. It is scary. It is daunting. It feels as though you have to nurture yourself after being malnourished for so long. The cultural trauma inflicted upon our self-identity is so unjust and unfair to us as human beings. They never give recognition to our personal selves, and when we step out into the big world, we are overwhelmed with heavy emotions and blurred understandings. They emasculate us from surviving in any place as a separate individual other than just being an identical yet competitive "building block" in the collectivist society.

It is so much more than getting your own apartment or getting a job abroad. So many people who give such advice do not realise the amount of power such societies have on our personal lives—it is nigh infinite. To bolster in us a mindset that makes us believe we won't have any value or worth if we break away from the community. When you look into your parents' eyes, you see no respect for your education if you don't obey them. When you look into your grandparents' eyes and you see no acceptance of your love if it is not their choice. Your mental autonomy is perceived as a tool of deceit by your family. Your individuality is infantilized as an act of teeny-angst rebellion.

We seek help in that phase of transition, from chopping them off from our lives to soothing that wound. We seek help in protecting ourselves from our forefathers' haunting. We know we need to move out. We just want to take these negative emotions and intrusive thoughts out of our minds first. We seek help in unlearning all the indoctrination. We seek help in learning ourselves. And, sometimes, just sometimes, we seek a space to just vent and be understood for what we have been subjected to and not be met with blanket statements such as "Why are you still living with them if you are 18?"

- Oizys.

Friday, March 17, 2023

Graduating Into Unemployment

It is that time of the year. I am graduating and, at the same time, entering the unemployment pool. Like a false promise for a bright future. Like a dinghy in a treacherous ocean. At the mercy of lightnings and currents.

I feel as if I spent my years studying without preparing for what would come after the studies. I look back and I feel proud that I made it out alive, but then a huge block of guilt mounts over my pride. The guilt of not having a path paved to go after this. Every time someone comes up to congratulate me, I feel their questions of "what's next?" hit me like a meteor. So hollow yet so heavy.

For months, I protected myself with a sheath of lies. I did not care about the future. More like, I pretended to not care about the future, so I won't have to do anything about it. I submitted myself to delusion. I let delusion dominate me. It made me kneel and told me everything would be fine. Pieces will fall together and there will be a picture; do not worry. And I just... foolishly listened, whereas deep down my own conscience kept screaming, "Do not fall for it." I guess I was swooned by the idea of a picture forming itself without actually working for it.

I keep applying every day. I keep spreading your resumes. Like those people giving out flyers. I hawk my skills. I peddle my counterfeit experiences. I shamelessly hope someone will see some potential in me. Someone willing to dig through my lies and pretentiousness and recognize my need to work. Someone who will not just brush me off because of my tramp trail and put a name to my sincerity.

Yes, yes, we all get through it eventually. Some make it with flying colors and polished faces, some with scraped knees and gratitude for two meals a day. But we all make it eventually. I know. But...

As I continue on this journey of job searching, I can't help but feel like I'm wandering in the dark with no clear destination in sight. It's a daunting feeling, knowing that I have no idea where I'll end up or what I'll be doing. The uncertainty is suffocating, and sometimes it feels like I'm stuck in a never-ending cycle of rejection and disappointment. Rejection mail piles up. I print them all and bury myself beneath the disappointment. I take each of the "We regret to inform you" sentences and pin them on myself. And I wish someone would just come and see my pinboard of defeat and maybe, just pity me. Help me compensate for a lack in me. I scream into the void, "What do I do?" All I get is silence. Maybe a picture of a sea of graduates hurdling around towards the island of jobs. And someone nudges me to find my face in the picture. All I can answer is silence.

But, as far as I know, there is no one who will come and hold my hand, roll open my palm, and give me a job. Hence, I keep rolling. I let the cycle of sending out a resume and them reflexing with a rejection continue. In a hope that I will be successful in snapping up something, or at least trap someone into thinking I am worthy and suitable for some position. Talk about reverse imposter syndrome, eh?

- Oizys.

Tuesday, March 14, 2023

"Ye Olde Tactic" - Uncovering the Deception: The Ugliness of Pointing

The father points at the maid and tells his daughter, "At least you are educated," while forcing her to marry upon graduation. The maid goes home and complains to her mother about how her husband comes home drunk every night. The mother points at the neighbor woman and says, "At least your husband doesn't beat you like hers." When you point at the broken offices and dirty roads of your country, they shove the neighboring country's economic failure down your throat, forcing you to kneel in gratitude to your country, which cannot even let you marry your own sex.

You know, that tactic when they point at something a bit uglier than themselves to cover up their own hideousness? It is almost as if they met and sat down together to solve the problems of the world. And decided to choose this chain, this pattern, to control. To manipulate. To remain on the throne. To protect the system. This system caters to their waving hands. because acknowledging the truth will break the crux of the system. It is like dismantling a house of cards. We are all just cards for them, each delicate and seemingly insignificant for them. You can see the intricate pattern of pointing towards an unluckier card all over the house. They put you together for a carnival show like puppets.

But the truth is, this house is not that weak; it is a deeply rooted tree. The roots are shackling us from moving forward. Entrenched in expired understandings. Embedded in our minds. So much so that even if your logical parlance knows it is not wrong to enter the kitchen when you are menstruating, your foot becomes heavy when you try to step in. Guilt kidnaps you and takes you on a trip to the graveyard of traditions and ancestral souls. It wraps its chain around your wrists and drags you through the graveyards, past the headstones etched with the names of your forefathers and mothers. It plunges the ghosts of honor and the whispers of modesty, and then you start feeling disappointed eyes on your body that were only half draped.

If you are a card somewhere hearing about the example of another, here is a message from the other card. Do not listen to them. It is a tactic to trap you and show you off as a dolled-up house. Instead, unlayer their ploy of pointing. Peel back the layers of deception and uncover the truth. The truth is that we are not just showcards in their house of power but human beings. Individual human beings with feelings, emotions, thoughts, and struggles are chock-full of poetry. Uproot their lies about the ugliness of others and make them uncomfortable with your truth about humanness.

- Oizys.

Monday, March 6, 2023

The Prison of Identity Or The Land of Freedom

Today, I feel trapped in my own skin, like a bird in a cage or a fish in a bowl. I want to escape to a land where I can be not myself, where I can shed my old identity and start anew. I want to find a place where I can breathe freely, think clearly, and feel deeply. But such a place doesn't exist, at least not in this world.

I feel like I'm living in a dream, or a nightmare, where I can't control my own destiny. I feel like I'm suffocating, drowning, losing my grip on reality. I want to break free from the chains that bind me, to fly away on the wings of imagination.

But where would I go? What kind of land would welcome me with open arms, without judgement or prejudice? What kind of place would allow me to be not myself, to be whoever or whatever I want to be?

Maybe it's just a fantasy, a childish dream, a foolish wish. Maybe I need to accept who I am, embrace my flaws, and make peace with my past. Maybe I need to find a way to be happy in the here and now, without relying on a faraway land or a different persona.

But for now, all I can do is yearn, crave, and dream. I want to escape to a land where I can be not myself, where I can explore new horizons, meet new people, and experience new things. I want to break free from the monotony of everyday life, from the expectations of society, and from the limitations of my own mind.

I don't know if such a land exists, or if I'll ever find it. But I do know that the longing within me is real, deep, and persistent. I can't ignore it, suppress it, or deny it. I need to listen to it, honour it, and find a way to channel it into something positive.

- Oizys.