"How is it going?" Someone asked me.
I don't know...? A lot, maybe? To be honest, I haven't "talked" to anyone since the pandemic. But when I think about it, I don't think I have ever even talked to anyone in the pre-pandemic era. Most of the time, I am blank about what to say. I have a few stuff going on in my mind, what doesn't come out? It's so obscure.
I have also realized I don't have an ambition or goal or hobby-like thing to keep me going. I keep going on because I have to. Because I don't have any other way. I submit my assignments and get fair marks. But, I am not special or good at anything. Hence, wasn't able to secure an internship for this summer. Which has created and has been feeding a fear in the back of my mind, that I would struggle to get a good-paying job. Then, I won't be able to clear my student loans. Adding to it, I also don't enjoy the field I am studying in, but I can manage it so I am doing it. If I had a chance, I wouldn't study in this field, for sure. But then again, I don't know what else to do as my ability to explore was chopped off because I had to fit in to meet my parents' expectations. Now, I don't even have the energy to explore anymore which makes me... sad.
I don't hate my friends. They are amazing people. Great human beings. But, I don't think they are my friends, anymore. Rather, we text each other when we need something college-related and are just 4-5 in number. I feel like even my friendships, through the course of this pandemic, have weakened to a point that if I try to water them, they will just decay. We are just together because it's convenient and help each other with college stuff. Due to this scrolling addiction, I even exited all forms of social media platforms and we just text each other WA in a group. I don't even text any one of them personally. And, I am not that close to my family, they think I am having the time of my life, in my early 20s, being rebellious to their justified-controlling-and-super-toxic-behavior whereas I have just fallen apart and don't care anymore. Holding my pieces and existing. I don't have a person in my life I am close to. And, this pandemic has wiped out all my leftover and poor abilities to socialize or even "want" someone. Now, I just sit in front of my laptop, do some classes, and write some pages for some marks. And, sit in my corner.
Back then, before the pandemic, I liked to read and sometimes, maybe write (and fail miserably). Books had a soothing effect on me. Being constantly judged for my skin color and appearance by my relatives, cousins, and kids around the school, I had shut myself from socializing and let my dark skin color be a filter for whosoever wanted to approach me or not and I resorted to reading and libraries. Now, I don't even have the energy to read...? One thing that I liked? I don't feel like doing it anymore. One thing in life that didn't feel like a chore? Rather, felt "me"? One thing that was spiritual in my mundane life?
I think I have become non-receptive to emotions or feelings. Having never been dated or romantically involved in even the least possible way and now restricted in this pandemic which has butchered almost all future possibilities of mine to find someone (not even a romantic partner but just like, even a person in life), has made me think and plan about living alone. Now, I just wanna graduate, get a job that will get me through, get away from my family, and exist by myself. Even texting or talking or getting to know someone is exhausting. Not that I want to hurt anyone's feelings but, I don't want to text or hang out, I feel tired.
Even though not much is "disturbing" in life, everything, this hollowness, feels so disturbed. The only thing that provides me with some ease is my blanket and bed when my eyes are closed. There's absolutely nothing I dream of, I yearn for. I am too scared to put a full stop. But, I want to escape. Who the hell put this rule that we need a full stop to leave everything? I don't even have anything in my "oh life is a beautiful gift" existence that brings anything to anyone's table or puts anything on my table that anyone would approach. Can I simply not exist and just escape in a smooth, non-dramatic manner?
I feel like that used, empty soda can. Waiting for a truck to run over and end the story once and for all.
- Oizys.