Second-day entry, successfully registered.
Hopefully, I will remain consistent. Fingers crossed.
I woke up earlier than usual.
I ate noodles for breakfast and some milkshakes in the afternoon.
I fought with my family again.
Played some games, especially the bouncy ball one.
I am submitting a paper today. I hope that goes well too.
Feeling bilious.
I've got to know about "intrusive thoughts". I am slowly realizing that I have been having a lot of intrusive thoughts. Sometimes bad, sometimes good disguised as bad. My mind feels tired of all this buzz. Speaking of buzz, she keeps chanting in a low voice, which feels like a buzzing sound, quite similar to my tinnitus in the left ear. Her chanting is like tinnitus on the outside. My mind goes crazy whenever she sits behind me doing that.
I feel brittle. I feel sad. I feel lonely. I feel alone too. All together mixed. It all hit me all at once. To calm myself, I think of times when I did not feel such things, and I can't remember a single phase or point in life when I felt anything other than this. It makes me wonder why. I am apprehending I do not integrate here, wherever I am. How long can I survive like this, trying to fit in? How long will it be before I am discarded as an unfitting puzzle piece? Nothing I do sits well. Nothing, I think, bodes well. Nothing I plan to age well. I keep sleeping it off every night, thinking it will abate. But, for how long can I make-believe? Won't be long before people unwrap this veneer and see what a worthless pseud I am.
Today's mood: unproductive, jaded, depressed.
- Oizys.
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