Wanting is not enough. We have to work towards what we want. I have been dreading for the past few weeks. I want something. And, I am trying so hard to make myself work toward it. But, I am so scared. I am so, so scared. What if I fail? I have nothing to fall back on? I am so scared of getting rejected. There is a part of me that is so scared of failing that it is not letting me work toward it and there is another part of me that wants it so freaking much. I am just so tired with all the gut-wrenching anxiety. Just the continuous rumination. Of what will happen. Of the results. Of what will I do if I do not get it. Of how will I face people. I just want to escape. I just want to not want this. I am going crazy. What if I am not good enough? Will I ever get it? Is it for me? What is out there for me? And, apart of all of these emotions, I have this guilt. Pure, unadultered guilt. I do not know why. I am so exhausted. It is nerve wrecking. I am not eating. I am not sleeping. Everything is a havoc. I am just crying constantly. I do not know how will I go through these few months. I do not know.
- Oizys.