The ninth day of June.
There is no shift in the emotional
landscape of the house or my mind. Eyes, head, and limbs. All sore, sore
and sore. From crying and writhing. I reached yet another lower point
today while digging this etching ground of soul smeared with tallow and
grease from all the inner butchery in the past few days. Every day I
break a bit more and drop down a bit further. And, I look around. To
find I have nothing to hold onto, no one to lean on to. I am unable to
talk because I feel unworthy of words in the society of capable. I am
unable to swallow food from a table that has no contribution from my
skills and labor. I am unable to take space in my household without the
feeling of contrition.
I haven't spoken since the evening before
yesterday. But, my mind has a mouth of its own which has been screaming
ceaselessly. Even with no spoken words, the thoughts are deafening and
my head is blurred. This inexorable array of colliding emotions and
crashing relationships. I do not know what I need anymore. I do not what
will stop this cluster foxtrot of my omnishambles. I do not know what
will change this one-way never-ending descending staircase of life.
And,
while I hit the nail and tumble down these stairs and my head was
almost there to hit rock bottom, I came across this post somewhere on
the internet:
"Not everyone gets a happy ending. Suffering does
not automatically mean it will get better in the future. Sometimes it
will just get worse until you die. You can very well be that unlucky
person."
I often think it will get better. I will shed off all the
toxicity, and run away to a more sanguine place maybe. Find better
people to surround me with. I will stabilize my emotion. Grab control
over my life. And, share these tears with my peers like a tumultuous
intellectual journey of mine over a cup of tea. But, the thing is... The
stark reality is that no one seeks to be around someone who is so eaten
up and gutted by their myriad of woe. No one chooses to be alongside
someone who has denied the extended hands of joy. Hence, until I can
reassemble these fragments into at least a significant corporeal, I'm
doomed to float through existence, looking for hanging fruits for
survival and finally perish by submersion.
- Oizys.