the salary arrived. so did the sinkhole.

It is Friday, May 15th, 2026.

Five days since I wrote that all roads lead to rot, and unfortunately, the road has not developed better civic planning since then. It is still the same road, same potholes, same suspicious corner, same emotional drainage system clogged with old leaves, shame, salt, and things I should have said in 2017, 2019, 2021, yesterday, this afternoon, ten minutes ago. I would like to report progress, but progress has not submitted its attendance. Maybe it took casual leave, or maybe it resigned or maybe it saw my life and said, respectfully, madam, this department is beyond my jurisdiction. 

Monday began with a training. Technically, my manager was supposed to take it while I assisted her. Technically, I had prepared everything for her. Technically, I had even pushed her on Saturday to prepare, like a fool with hope and basic professional ethics. She did not. Then Sunday night, while I was busy being poor in the quiet and dark, she sent two texts asking me to join early on Monday to help her out. Help her out. Haha. A phrase so small, so polite, so corporate-y, it should come with its own knife. Monday arrived. Like, always. She started the session, and then, with the grace of someone dropping a dead animal at my feet, very conveniently dumped the whole thing on me. Not last minute. Worse. After the minute had already passed. After the train had left. After the public performance had begun and I was standing there with no rehearsal, no consent, and no escape hatch. And then it continued. Monday. Tuesday. Wednesday. Three days of taking a training I had not agreed to lead. Three days of smiling into the camera, arranging knowledge into digestible portions, pretending surprise labour is the same thing as opportunity. Three days of doing everything. There is a special violence in being competent. People discover you can carry weight, and suddenly the weight becomes yours by tradition. Meanwhile, over the past weekend, my salary had not come. Sunday passed like a badly written insult. The banks, displaying their usual talent for comedy without compassion, debited whatever peanuts I had left as a penalty for low balance. Low balance. The account was hungry, so they fined it for being hungry. What a cruel joke. No, not joke. Joke implies timing. This was just cruel capitalism wearing a clown nose and holding a receipt. Then finally, Monday night, after a long day of unconsensual labour, I saw the money had been credited from my organisation. For one stupid second, I felt relief. A small animal lifting its head. Haha. Immediately, the utility bills marched in like creditors at a funeral. Paid. Paid. Paid. The salary arrived and was swallowed before I could even pretend to be a person with options. Now I do not know what to do with the remaining peanuts. Save them? Spend them? Worship them? Put them under a glass case and label them: Evidence of Almost Freedom? Money does this ugly thing where it becomes both survival and accusation. If I save, I am responsible. If I spend, I am reckless. If I buy one harmless thing, the future clears its throat. If I deny myself everything, the present sits in the corner and rots.¹ So here I am, financially adult and emotionally feral, wondering whether peanuts should become savings, food, joy, phone case, emergency fund, retirement fund, temporarily-escape-from-family fund, abandon-my-family fun or proof that I am still allowed to want. And because the universe enjoys garnish, Thursday started with a multi-team meeting. The three-day training was finally over. My face had done its professional smiling. My voice had carried three days of material it was never supposed to carry. My brain was sitting in the corner like a wet towel. Then our director thanked my manager for working so hard and taking the training. Ha. Cute. Cruel cherry on top. There she was, being publicly blessed for labour that had passed through my throat, my screen, my panic, my preparation, my improvisation, my body, my mind, my hands. I watched credit climb the hierarchy like a well-trained monkey. Nobody thanked me. Of course nobody thanked me. What was I thinking? That would have disturbed the seating arrangement of the universe. The senior must shine. The junior must become (un)human infrastructure. The work must appear from somewhere, like office electricity or women’s patience. This is the social work's corporate version of domestic labour: invisible until it fails, inherited when inconvenient, credited to someone else when successful. I wish I could say I was surprised. I was not. That is what made it worse.

Anyway. Because the mind is a strange animal and refuses to suffer in a straight line, Wednesday night I returned to The Law According to Lidia Poët. The trainings were over. The emails had documented their little theatre of stolen credit. My body was tired in that corporate-social-work way where even the bones seem to have attended calls. Finally, I had a little time to myself. So naturally, I used it to become unreasonable about a fictional prosecutor. Jacopo? No. The prosecutor. Pier. Pierluigi Fourneau. Or, as Lidia called him as her "Young Warner". Or her schnauzel. The prosecutor had me hooked. There is something very annoying about being hooked. It makes a fool of all your intellectual furniture. Suddenly I am not a woman with critical faculties. I am a Victorian fainting couch with internet access. I went researching him. Then I watched two of his other films² that night, like a person conducting scholarly work and absolutely not like a woman chasing the aftertaste of one very specific chemistry. The films had charm. They had their own mood, their own appeal, their own little atmosphere. For a while, they worked. Then the spell thinned. Whatever spark I was trying to follow was not really there. Because it was not only him, was it? That is the irritating truth. It was not only the face, the voice, the posture, the period clothing, the courtroom seriousness, the restrained longing doing its quiet damage. It was the charge between them. The particular weather created when Lidia and the prosecutor stand near each other and do not say the actual thing. That has stayed. It has stayed so stubbornly that I keep rewatching their scenes. Again and again. Night and day. Day and night. Like a devotional practice, except the temple is Netflix and the deity is unbearable romantic tension. By now, I know the scenes too well. The dialogues. The pauses. The facial expressions. The music entering at exactly the wrong-right moment. The way one look shifts the entire emotional furniture of a scene. The way a sentence becomes less important than the breath before it. The way restraint can sometimes feel more intimate than touch. The kisses. The looks and smiles. Every rewatch gives me something else. A detail I missed. A change in expression. A hesitation. A small cruelty. A softness pretending to be wit. A look that arrives half a second too late. A silence that does not know how to leave the room. And, yes, the giddy pleasure. The ridiculous private sparkle of it. I know it is fiction. I know it is choreography. I know there are writers, actors, lighting, music, editing, all the machinery of feeling doing its work behind the curtain. I know I am being handled. I can see the strings. Still, I keep offering my wrists. There is something almost embarrassing about how deeply a fictional almost-love can enter the bloodstream. Maybe because it is safe. Maybe because it asks nothing from me. Maybe because nobody in my actual life is looking at me like that... with recognition, challenge, danger, tenderness, and the terrible inconvenience of wanting. Maybe I latch onto shows because they give me scenes my life refuses to stage. In Lidia Poët, even longing has architecture. It has corridors, offices, courtrooms, gloves, lamps, carriage rides, glances. It gets music. It gets dialogue. It gets a face across the room. My longing gets browser tabs. My longing gets a broken phone case. My longing gets me, sitting here after midnight, memorising someone else’s charged silences because my own life has made desire both dangerous and impractical. And yet, I do not want to mock it too much. This tiny obsession has kept me company. It has given my tired brain somewhere beautiful to go. It has reminded me that I am still capable of being moved, charmed, struck, made foolish, made awake. That some part of me still responds to spark. Still recognises chemistry. Still wants the look, the scene, the music, the impossible almost. Maybe that is why it has not faded yet. The other films were charming, yes. But charm is not the same as haunting. Charm passes through the room. Haunting learns your name.

But the trouble with haunting is that it does not stay politely inside the show. It follows me out. At first, it feels harmless. Sweet, even. A little private theatre behind the ribs. A spark. A charged scene to revisit when the actual day has been all training, bills, stolen credit, and corporate digestion. The brain says: here, look, beauty. Look, tension. Look, someone wanting someone with their whole face while pretending not to. And then, quietly, the floor changes. The giddiness starts to rot at the edges. I know this pattern. I know it too well. The attachment begins as pleasure, then turns into comparison, then into lack, then into a pit with excellent acoustics. Suddenly I am not watching a romance. I am standing outside my own life, watching what it does not contain. No one looks at me like that. No one waits for me in a corridor of consequence. No one turns toward me with restrained disaster in their eyes. No one writes my longing into music. By MDD, I mean both things, because of course my brain could not stop at one acronym. Major Depressive Disorder, yes, the official beast with paperwork. But also Maladaptive Daydreaming, its glittering cousin, the one that does not drag me down so much as decorate the pit and invite me to live there. The daydreaming does not feel like imagination then. It feels like teleportation-relocation. One minute I am in my room, and the next I am living inside a scene that has better lighting, better dialogue, better stakes, better tenderness. I build corridors from glances. I extend conversations that never happened. I replay a look until it becomes a country. And for a while, the body loosens its grip. The real world thins. My actual life goes quiet in the background like a tab I forgot to close. That is where the DPDR slips in. Depersonalization-derealization disorder. Not as a separate disaster, but as the bill for leaving too often. The more inhabited the daydream becomes, the less inhabited I feel in my own body. My hands become props. My room becomes set design. My face becomes a character I vaguely recognise but do not fully own. The fictional world gains texture, and my real world loses temperature. And then the MDD, that old bureaucrat of the soul, opens its files. It begins gently, almost reasonably. See? This is what life can look like. This is what desire can do to a face. This is what aliveness looks like when properly lit. And now look at you. Look at your room. Look at your unread messages. Look at your body. Look at the broken phone case. Look at the salary that arrived only to vanish into bills. Look at the Saturday already being trespassed upon by work. Look at the years. Look at the stuckness. Look at the absence. Depression has never needed originality. Repetition is its main skill. Then the DPDR enters like bad fog. The world gets a pane of glass over it. My own hands become slightly theoretical. My face in the mirror looks like someone I have been assigned to maintain. The room becomes too flat and too far away at the same time. I can hear myself thinking, but from another room. I can move, answer, type, drink water, exist, but existence feels like a badly dubbed film. And the show becomes more real than me. That is the humiliating part. A fictional almost-touch has more texture than my actual evening. A glance between two actors feels more inhabited than my own body. Their silence has gravity. Mine has dust. Their longing has editing, music, consequence. Mine has tabs open and a mild headache. So I keep rewatching, partly for pleasure, partly for proof. Proof that I can still feel. Proof that somewhere inside the fog, the signal has not died. But every proof becomes evidence against me. If I can feel this much for a scene, why can I not feel properly inside my own life? If my chest can tighten because two fictional people stood too close under warm lighting, why does my actual future feel wrapped in plastic? If desire still lives in me, why does it have nowhere to go except a screen? This is how the sinkhole opens. Not dramatically. Not with a scream. Just one more rewatch. One more scene. One more detail noticed. One more minute of being pulled toward a life with movement, stakes, beauty, and someone across the room who sees you as both problem and possibility. Then I pause the show. And my own room returns. My own life returns. The same arrangement. The same stuck furniture of the self. The same body I keep trying to inhabit like rented accommodation. The same old fear standing at the foot of the bed, asking if I enjoyed my little outing. This is why I both love and fear these attachments. They rescue me. Then they show me what I needed rescuing from. They make me feel alive. Then they make my life feel unlivable. They pull me out of numbness. Then leave me with the full bill of having been numb. And I know this sounds excessive. I know sane people watch a show, enjoy the chemistry, maybe make an edit, maybe send a thirsty message to a friend, then proceed with their lives like emotionally regulated mammals. I, meanwhile, open one fictional door and fall through the architecture of my entire deprivation. Very normal. Very casual. Five stars. Would dissociate again. I do not escape reality. No. Never. I just return to it less assembled.

Anyway. The phone case is still broken. Of course it is. It has become one of those stupidly faithful objects that stays because I do not have the courage to replace it with something honest. A cracked little witness that's ugly, loyal, safer than confession. I keep thinking about the sapphic flag phone case, still. Not constantly, not dramatically, not like a heroine pressing a forbidden letter to her chest under moonlight. More like an app running quietly in the background, draining battery. A small wish. A small colour. A small yes I keep refusing myself because in this house where I reside, even colour can become evidence. A phone case is never just a phone case. It is a trial waiting for a prosecutor.³ Who bought this? Why this colour? What does it mean? Where did you see this? Who told you? Why are you becoming like this? Since when? Because families are very modern until your object begins to speak a language they did not approve. Then suddenly everyone becomes archaeologist, police, priest, and unpaid detective. So the broken cover stays. The safe thing. The ugly thing. The thing that says nothing and therefore survives. Just like me. I am ugly and I say nothing. And, unfortunately, I survive. I wish I were less good at surviving. This is a terrible thing to say because survival is supposed to be noble. Women are fed this word like jaggery wrapped around medicine. Survive. Adjust. Manage. Endure. Be strong. Be mature. Be practical. Be grateful it is not worse. Be glad you are educated. Be glad you have work. Be glad nobody has chained your ankle to the bedpost. Be glad the cage has wonky Wi-Fi that doesn't work only for you so you have to buy your data separately. And I am glad, sometimes. I am not completely foolish, you know. I know the world is brutal, and I know there are worse rooms, worse fathers, worse mothers, worse brothers, worse sisters, worse uncles, worse aunts, worse silences, worse locks, worse oppressors. And, I know comparison is the national sport of emotional invalidation. Still, knowing other people are drowning in deeper water does not make your own lungs decorative. I am tired. Not beautifully tired. Not aesthetically tired. Not poet tired. Not the cinematic kind where a woman removes one earring and looks devastating under yellow light. I am tired in the spreadsheet way. Rows and rows of small unfinished things. Cells filled with pending. Useless colours marking them pending. Body pending. Courage pending. Departure pending. Desire pending. Honesty pending. Future pending. Life pending. There is something obscene about being mid-twenty-something and feeling already archival. Like I am not living, have never lived, but only preserving evidence for a case no court will ever hear. 
Exhibit A: the broken phone case.
Exhibit B: the body that alternates between hunger and punishment of embarrassment when I do eat.⁴
Exhibit C: the tabs I keep open as if research can become rescue.
Exhibit D: the private list of things I will do when I leave.
Exhibit E: the sentence, when I leave, carrying the entire weight of a religion.⁵
But what if I do not leave? There it is. The honest rot laid bare under the decorative moss. What if I do not leave? What if the box of things I will do when I leave becomes a pathetic, loser museum of the woman I kept postponing? What if all my rebellion remains beautifully theoretical, well-written, occasionally funny, and completely unusable in this stupid head of mine and a copy of it here, in this weird little corner of the world wide web? What if I keep becoming more articulate about the cage and never actually become less caged? I hate that question because it has no manners and it shamelessly enters without knocking and sits on my bed. Today was not even dramatic enough to justify all this. That is the insult. Nothing happened. No grand fight. No cinematic breakdown. No one said the cruel line that would make a clean villain of them. The day simply passed over me with its usual dull hands. Work, phone, food thoughts, body thoughts, tabs, messages, heat, humidity, perpetual fatigue, my mother's devotional songs, the faint humiliation of still being myself in this rotting flesh. Maybe that is why I am writing. Like always. Because nothing happened, and still I feel like I survived something tremendous. Maybe the event is not always external. Maybe sometimes the event is waking up inside the same life and not immediately turning into stone. I keep thinking of Lidia Poët again. Not just the law, the fight, the forbidden rooms. Of course, that is the central point, though. I keep thinking of her forward motion. Even when she suffers, the story lets her move. Or, more aptly, she moves her story forward. She enters rooms, she argues, she demands, she fights, she risks, she desires, she loves, she fails with choreography, and she still continues. Her world resists her, yes, on this screen, it gives her scenes. My life, by comparison, feels like a loading screen. A buffering woman. A spinning circle wearing moisturizer. 

And yet, beneath all this melodrama, some tiny stubborn thing remains alive. Annoyingly alive. Cockroach alive. Government-office-file alive. It keeps making lists. It keeps saving poems. It keeps laughing at terrible jokes all alone in the small, dark room. It keeps wanting pizza, sea air, impossible softness, a room with a lock, a body that is not treated like a public institution, a love that does not require a courtroom, and one ridiculous phone case in colours nobody is allowed to interrogate. This, I suppose, is hope...? Not the clean kind. Definitely, not. Not the motivational-poster kind, either. Not the “everything happens for a reason” kind, which should be banned and replaced with free snacks. My hope is smaller and more suspicious. It looks like keeping the browser tab open. It looks like drinking water after punishing the body. It looks like writing the sentence even when the sentence is ugly. It looks like admitting I want things. It looks like not mocking myself immediately after admitting I want things. Okay, fine, it looks like mocking myself only a little. At 20:55 PM, I am still here. Still stuck. Still carrying home inside me like contraband. Still afraid that my life is not a phase but the whole arrangement. Still saving possible selves in invisible carts. Still not buying the phone case. Still wanting it. Maybe that matters. I hope, it matters. Wanting. Even wanting badly. Even wanting secretly. Even wanting in a house where desire must learn to move like a shameful thief. Rot is still here, yes. But maybe rot is not the only thing loyal to me. Maybe want is loyal too. Maybe the little sapphic flag in my head, the one I have not bought, the one I have not allowed to become plastic and visible and stupidly real, is not only fear. Maybe it is also proof that some part of me still knows colour. Still recognises itself. Still presses its face against the shop window of the future and says, very quietly, not yet, but mine. Not yet. But mine.

As I write this, she, my manager, has texted again. After work hours, of course. Respecting time would be too vulgar, too modern, too dangerously close to recognising me as a person. Some work needs to be done ASAP. As she had already promised it. Naturally. ASAP: the social work's corporate mantra of poor planning, passed down from one panicked person [usually the manager] to another [the underdog] until it lands in the lap of whoever [mostly, the underdog, again] has the least authority to refuse. The funny part is, it is not even my job. Not really. But somehow the inconvenience has found my address. Now I will have to either ask the concerned person humiliatingly late at night, as if I am the villain in their Friday, or ask tomorrow, on an off Saturday, and become the tiny unpleasant notification in someone else’s weekend. This is how bad management spreads its shame. Someone does not plan. Someone does not prepare. Someone does not communicate. Then the failure travels downward, wearing urgency as perfume the gives you a migraine the moment it hits your nostrils, until the most junior person is left holding a burning plate and apologising for the smoke. I hate this part most: the forced borrowing of another person’s time. I hate that I must become the messenger of someone else’s chaos. I hate that I must sound polite while carrying a request I do not respect. I hate that my options are either to inconvenience someone else or absorb the inconvenience into my own body, which is apparently where all unclaimed work goes to die. There should be a word for this. Not burnout. Burnout sounds too final, too respectable, like a candle in a poem. This is more like being nibbled. Tiny bites of time. Tiny bites of rest. Tiny bites of Friday evening, Saturday morning, salary, self-respect, appetite, softness, desire. Nothing large enough to make a case. Everything small enough to be dismissed. Just do this once. Just check once. Just ask once. Just join early once. Just help out once. Just manage for today. Just stretch a little. A whole life can be stolen in “just.” And I know what will happen if I say no. Maybe nothing dramatic. Maybe no punishment anyone can screenshot. Just a change in tone. A slight coolness. A note in the invisible ledger. Not a team player. Not proactive. Difficult. Uncooperative. Needs attitude adjustment. The old words wearing office clothes. So I sit here, at 23:25 PM, writing about being stuck while the proof of stuckness arrives in real time. A message on my phone. A task outside my role. An urgency I did not create. A Saturday being quietly dragged toward sacrifice. And me, still deciding whether to obey, delay, soften, apologise, resist, or perform that sophisticated modern dance called “setting boundaries” while standing on a floor made entirely of consequences. Maybe I will reply tomorrow [that being, Monday]. Maybe I will say, “I’ll check this during working hours.” Maybe I will type it bravely and then stare at it like it is a bomb and then erase it. Maybe courage, for tonight, is not sending the message immediately. Maybe survival is letting one ASAP remain slightly less ASAP. Maybe rebellion begins as a notification left unread. Actually, I read it. Or maybe I am romanticising avoidance because I am tired. Both can be true. Most things that keep me alive are morally untidy.

~ Oizys.

¹ This too echoes: “The less you eat, drink and read books; the less you go to the theatre, the dance hall, the public house; the less you think, love, theorize, sing, paint, fence, etc., the more you save-the greater becomes your treasure which neither moths nor dust will devour-your capital. The less you are, the more you have; the less you express your own life, the greater is your alienated life-the greater is the store of your estranged being.” ― Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels.
² The Mascarpone Collection.
³ Good reference.
⁴ An addendum for Exhibit B: A Hunger Artist by Franz Kafka.
⁵ An addendum for Exhibit E:
When I leave, I will buy the phone case.
When I leave, I will breathe normally.
When I leave, I will decorate myself without fear.
When I leave, I will not explain every harmless thing like it is a crime scene.
When I leave, I will become the version of myself who exists without whispering.

Perpetually Late to the Table of Life

You know, they say life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death. But somehow, I’ve managed to be the one perpetually late to the table. It’s almost comical in a dark, twisted sort of way. While others are diving into the feast of experiences, I find myself wandering around the edges, observing from a distance, clutching a plate that’s perpetually empty. As I reflect on this, I can't help but feel a deep sense of sadness. It’s not that I lack opportunities; it’s more like I’ve built a fortress around myself, complete with walls of self-doubt and a moat of anxiety. Each day, I can see the table, beautifully spread out with vibrant colors and enticing aromas. Friends laughing, lovers sharing secrets, and strangers forming new connections—all of it feels so vibrant and alive. And yet, here I am, drowning in a pool of retrospection, feeling like a ghost haunting my own life. I often find myself indulging in dark thoughts, tracing back to my childhood, when I seemed to be always a step behind. Remember that time in elementary school when I hesitated to raise my hand, only to hear the teacher call on someone else? It’s a small moment, but it echoes in my mind like a haunting refrain. The feeling of standing still while life rushes by has become a theme, woven throughout my existence with threads of regret. The irony is not lost on me. In a world that glorifies hustle and speed, here I am, the slowpoke. While my peers race ahead, I’m left standing at the starting line, watching as they gather experiences—relationships, careers, adventures. I often wonder if there’s a cosmic clock somewhere, ticking away, reminding me that I’m behind schedule. Is it too late for me to catch up? As I sift through these thoughts, I recognize that my retro-introspective nature is both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, it grants me the ability to reflect deeply. I can analyze my feelings, my choices, and the paths I’ve taken—or, more appropriately, the paths I’ve avoided. I can sit on the sidelines and observe the world’s chaos, extracting life lessons from the stories of others. It feels like watching a movie; thrilling yet painfully distant. Today, I took a long walk to clear my mind. As I strolled through the park, I couldn’t help but notice the vibrancy around me. Children played, couples strolled hand in hand, and friends gathered for picnics. It was a microcosm of life unfolding in real-time, and I felt oddly disconnected. I found a bench under a sprawling oak tree and sat there for a while, allowing the sun to warm my face. In that moment, I contemplated the beauty of life, yet I felt like an outsider gazing into a world I just couldn’t penetrate. What holds me back? Fear? Indecision? Or perhaps an overwhelming sense of inadequacy? Each of these feelings weighs heavily on my heart. I find myself questioning my worth, doubting whether I have anything valuable to contribute to the table of life. It’s hard to join in when the voice in my head constantly whispers, “You don’t belong here.” I returned home with a heavy heart, burdened by the realization that I’ve spent too much time in the shadows. The retro-introspective spiral often leads me to question whether I’ve wasted my potential. Have I let opportunities slip through my fingers while I lingered in self-doubt and hesitation? But as I write this, I also recognize a flicker of hope. Maybe being perpetually late has its own unique charm. It has provided me with a different perspective, one that allows for deeper contemplation. Perhaps I can learn to maneuver around the table, picking up nuggets of wisdom from those who are already seated. Maybe it’s time to embrace this late arrival. Rather than viewing it as a setback, I can see it as an opportunity to craft a unique narrative. There’s a certain beauty in being a late bloomer, right? Those who arrive fashionably late often bring stories, laughter, and fresh energy that can ignite the atmosphere. I could be that person. Taking a deep breath, I allow myself to daydream about what it would be like to join the table fully. To engage in conversations, to share my stories, and perhaps even to find joy in the experience. I realize I don’t need to rush; each moment has its own value. As I sit here, pen in hand, I commit to taking small steps towards the table of life. I’ll start by reaching out to a friend I haven’t spoken to in a while. Maybe a simple hello-

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Back home. I’m sitting here, a cup of lukewarm coffee in hand and a swirl of thoughts in my mind, trying to sort through this feeling. The air is thick with the weight of another day that feels like a rehearsal for a play I never auditioned for. You know that feeling when you show up to a party and realize you’ve missed the best part? Well, I feel like that—perpetually late to the table of life, watching the laughter and the joy unfold without me, a spectator in my own existence. It’s a sad, dark kind of irony, isn’t it? I’ve always prided myself on being observant, on noticing the little details that others overlook. But here I am, observing my own life from the sidelines, feeling trapped in a retro-introspective loop that seems to play over and over again. The laughter echoes, but I can’t quite reach it. What does being “perpetually late” even mean in the grand scheme of existence? For me, it’s not just about physical tardiness. It’s about missing the moments that matter. It’s about watching friends move forward while I feel stuck in this strange, timeless void. Life seems to be moving at lightning speed for everyone else, while I’m left fumbling with the buttons on my watch, desperately trying to catch up. I often find myself diving deep into reflection during these quiet evenings. Each thought pulls me into a spiral of nostalgia, where I sift through memories that both comfort and haunt me. I remember the times when I felt vibrant, alive, and present—those moments when I was at the table, sharing stories, laughter, and dreams with friends and family. But those memories often fade like old photographs, leaving behind a stark contrast to the present. There’s a darker side to this introspection. It exposes fears I try to keep at bay—the fear of never quite fitting in, of being the outlier that no one notices. I constantly compare my journey to others, and it often feels like I’m running a race where everyone else has already crossed the finish line. Their lives are bursting with adventures and milestones, while I’m left tracing my fingers over the lines of my own muted story. Today, I decided to dig deeper. I pulled out my old journals, the ones filled with dreams and aspirations from years past. It was an emotional journey, flipping through pages filled with hope, excitement, and the occasional doodle. Each entry resonated with a sense of possibility. “I will travel the world,” I wrote. “I will create something beautiful.” I thought. It’s sobering to realize how those dreams sometimes drift away like whispers in the wind, leaving me feeling disenchanted. As I sat on my bed, surrounded by the scattered pages of my past, I couldn’t help but wonder where it all went wrong. Did I grow complacent? Did I let the pressures of life drown out my ambition? Or was I simply too afraid to take that leap of faith? There’s a tension between reality and nostalgia that pulls me in two directions, and it feels like a tug-of-war for my soul. But perhaps this is where the opportunity lies. Maybe being late to the table isn’t just about missing out; maybe it’s about taking the time to reflect, to reassess what truly matters. What if I could use this introspection as a catalyst for change? What if I could rewrite my narrative, shift my perspective, and embrace the journey instead of fixating on the destination? I can almost hear a voice whispering to me, urging me to take that leap—to challenge the notion that I’m a spectator in my own life. Each moment, no matter how quiet or mundane, holds potential. I might not have been at the table when everyone else was, but I can carve out my own seat. I can invite new experiences, new people, and new adventures into my life. So, what’s next? I think it’s time to focus on what I can control. Instead of lamenting the past, I’ll set small, achievable goals. I’ll start reaching out to people—friends I haven’t spoken to in ages, new acquaintances I’ve been too shy to approach. I’ll explore my interests, dive into creative projects, and dare to step outside my comfort zone. I can choose to be present in the now, rather than ruminating on what I’ve missed. Sure, I might be late to the table, but that doesn’t mean I can’t contribute to the feast. The world is vast, and while I might feel lost in the shadows, I can still find my own light. As I close this entry, I remind myself that life is not a linear path; it’s a winding road full of jostles-

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Today, I find myself reflecting on the peculiar notion of time. Time—an ever-flowing river in which we all swim, yet somehow, I always seem to be paddling against the current. It’s as if life has set a table, lavishly decorated with opportunities, joy, and connections, and I perpetually arrive late, missing the feast. Being late to the table of life is an uncomfortable existence, a bittersweet dance with both sadness and retrospective contemplation. I can hear the laughter from the gathering, the clinking of glasses, and the warmth of shared stories. But I stand outside, peering in, feeling like a ghost at a party meant for the living. I wonder if the others can sense my presence, this strange mix of longing and resignation. Do they notice the way I linger at the edges, just out of reach, contemplating whether to pull up a chair or quietly drift away? It’s sad, really. Perhaps this feeling of being “late” isn’t merely a matter of minutes or hours. It’s a deep-seated sensation that I’ve been trailing behind in life’s grand race. While friends celebrate milestones—birthdays, promotions, love interests—I often find myself lost in the shadows of my own thoughts, a retro-introspective soul reflecting on what could have been. It’s dark here, in these thoughts, where I dissect my choices, my hesitations, and the moments that slipped through my fingers like grains of sand. Remember that time when I hesitated to join my friends on that spontaneous road trip? They were all excited, laughing about the adventures that awaited them. I hesitated, caught in the web of “what ifs.” What if I didn’t fit in? What if I became a burden? The fear of being late to the party, both literally and metaphorically, paralyzed me. They made memories without me while I remained in my cocoon of self-doubt—perpetually late. Yet, in these moments of darkness, I sometimes find unexpected glimmers of insight. The retro-introspective journey allows me to understand myself better. I often write about these feelings, pouring my thoughts onto the pages of this diary, trying to make sense of the late arrivals in my life. The late-night revelations, the early morning epiphanies—they hold a beauty of their own. There’s something deeply human about being late, I remind myself. Life is not a race; it is a series of experiences, some hurried, others slow and meandering. Perhaps, in this perpetual lateness, I discover a nuanced appreciation for the world around me. I notice the subtleties that others may overlook—the way the sunlight dances on the leaves or how laughter echoes in the distance. As I sit here in my cozy corner, sipping on a warm cup of tea, I think about the times I did arrive just in time. The laughter shared over dinner with old friends, the adrenaline of a last-minute adventure, the comfort of finding solace in someone’s company. Those moments remind me that life’s table can be approached at any time, even if I feel like I’m running late. The dark clouds of doubt may linger, but they can’t overshadow the light of companionship and warmth. I also consider the silver lining of my retro-introspective nature. Being reflective has allowed me to grow and evolve. I’ve learned to embrace my emotions, to understand that sadness doesn’t equate to weakness; it is merely a part of the rich tapestry of existence. I am learning to share these feelings with others, to finally pull up a chair at the table and engage in conversations about vulnerability. So, dear diary, I promise to work on my relationship with time. Instead of viewing it as an adversary, I shall approach it as a companion. I might be late, but that doesn’t mean I am unwelcome. The beauty of life lies not in punctuality, but in presence. I’ll take a deep breath and remind myself that every moment is an opportunity to engage with life, to savor the experiences yet to come. As I conclude this entry, I feel a sense of hope blossoming within me. I may have arrived late to the table before, but I hold the power to change that narrative. I’ll set my intentions for tomorrow, to step out into the world with renewed energy and openness. I want to embrace the next invitation, to say yes to spontaneity, to understand that it’s okay to arrive at my own pace. So here’s to me, the one who’s often late but is learning to dance with time. Here’s to the moments yet to come, the laughter that awaits, and the connections that are just waiting to be made. I will no longer be a ghost at this feast; I’ll be-

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[Part 1: The Weight of Time] Every morning, the alarm buzzes obnoxiously, jarring me from the comfortable embrace of sleep. I roll over, half-heartedly hitting the snooze button, and as the minutes slip away like grains of sand through my fingers, I am reminded of the curse of being perpetually late. It’s not just a habit; it feels more like a burden, an unwelcome companion that shadows me through life. Each day begins with the promise of productivity, yet I find myself trapped in a cycle of procrastination and excuses. The feeling is sad, dark, and oddly fitting for my retro-introspective existence. Looking back, I’ve realized that I’ve always found myself at the periphery of life’s great table. While everyone else feasts on opportunities, I’m left picking at the crumbs of my own indecision. I find myself reflecting on missed moments, lost connections, and the nagging sensation that I’m one step behind where I should be. [Part 2: The Ripple Effect of Delay] As I sit here, I can’t help but think about the ripple effect of my lateness. It’s not just my own experiences that suffer; my friends and family bear the brunt of my tardiness too. I’ve bailed on dinner plans, missed celebrations, and arrived late to the most significant events of their lives. Each apology feels like a rusty key trying to unlock a door already closed. There’s a heaviness in my chest as I consider how my actions—my choices—have created distance between me and those I care about. In my mind, I visualize them gathered around tables, laughing, sharing stories, and creating memories while I remain an outsider looking in. It’s a haunting thought that lingers in the corners of my mind, reminding me that life continues to move forward, even as I remain stuck in a loop of hesitation and regret. [Part 3: Embracing the Dark] But why dwell on the sadness? Perhaps there’s something profound in this darkness I keep encountering. Maybe my perpetual lateness is a reflection of a deeper struggle—one that intertwines with my identity and shapes the way I perceive the world. In moments of solitude, I’ve begun to embrace the shadows that have followed me for so long. It’s in these quiet times that I confront my fears head-on. I explore the reasons behind my procrastination, peeling back layers of insecurity and anxiety. I acknowledge that I’ve often allowed the fear of failure to paralyze me, leading to a paralysis of action. It’s a dark realization, but it’s also liberating. By naming the beast, I can begin to reframe my narrative and take steps toward change. [Part 4: The Retro-Introspective Hallucination] This retro-introspective journey feels like diving into a time capsule. I rummage through the emotional artifacts of my past—old journals, photographs, letters—each piece narrating a different chapter of my life. I find solace in nostalgia and the bittersweet memories that come flooding back. They remind me of who I’ve been and the times I’ve felt like I was truly living. Strangely enough, in my quest to understand my relationship with time, I’ve started to perceive it differently. Each delay, each missed moment, has contributed to the tapestry of my story. So, instead of resenting my lateness, I choose to honor it. It’s an integral part of my journey, a testament to the lessons I’ve learned along the way. [Part 5: Seizing the Moment] Today, I made a conscious decision to seize the moment. I put my phone on silent, silenced the incessant noise of social media, and focused on the present. I brewed my favorite cup of coffee, savoring each sip as I sat in the sunlight filtering through my window. I began writing down my thoughts, a cathartic release that grounded me in the now. While I may still occasionally miss the mark, I’m learning to embrace the beauty of spontaneity. Life isn’t always about arriving on time; sometimes, it’s about being fully present in the moments that matter. I remind myself that not every experience has to be perfectly orchestrated. In fact, some of the most meaningful connections happen in the unplanned spaces of life. [Part 6: Getting A Perspective] As I reflect on my journey, I’m starting to see the world through a new lens. I’m learning to let go of the guilt that often accompanies my lateness. Instead of viewing it as a flaw, I now see it as a unique aspect of my personality. It’s an invitation to explore, to appreciate life’s unpredictability, and to embrace the lessons buried within each experience. I am beginning to commit to change-

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I give up.

- Oizys.

Living In The Waiting Room

"Till today the biggest achievement in our country is to leave it". If you know, you know.
It is been forever in my life, I have been feeling this.

The life. Or, the limbo?

- Oizys.

Life In A Waiting Room

You apply for a job. You end up on a waiting list. You apply for a graduate program. You end up on their waiting list as well.

Living your life in a waiting room is like reading the prequel to my story. It just doesn't move forward. I imagine all the things you want to do once I get that job. Once I finish this college and get done with this degree. Once I get into my dream university. Once I move out of this rot. Once I meet some one nice. Once I make friends. Once I get my own room. Once I start earning money. Once I look pretty. Once I get to eat healthy. Once I find time to read those books. Once. Once. Once.

Every morning you wake to wait. Every night you fall asleep tomorrow morning will be the "once". 

And, when you are stuck in that transition period. You are nothing but hodge-podge. If you get accepted, life becomes different for you. If you wake up to a rejection mail, you won't know what to turn to. 

All those ultra-positive suggestions of people like, "learn a new skill", "do a course" do not take into consideration about the fact that waiting is also an actual act that we actively do. It consumes our mind, exhausts our energy, demands our time.

Stagnant pond.

- Oizys.