Opt-in devotion: keeping the providence, skipping the roster of reverence?

I’ve been thinking a lot about where I stand with (which?) religion these days. I still believe there’s something: a supreme power, a force bigger than us. That hasn’t gone away. I tinker with the idea of respecting it. But all the rigid rituals? The daily checklist of “do this, say that”? Honestly, it doesn’t land for me. After all, I am not your usual routine follower. I can help with a ritual here and there and show up for a festival now and then. That feels fine... cultural, grounding, even comforting when I choose it. But doing something every single day just because it’s expected? That feels hollow for some reason. For what reason? The minute it turns into compulsion, whatever “spiritual” meaning it had evaporates. I don’t feel religious when I’m forced; I just feel… obligated. And, that feeling has always been the trigger to shame, self-inferiority, and resentment. When I was younger, I used to pray like it was a customer-service portal: ask for things diligently every day, hope they’d show up someday. Somewhere along the way, I stopped. Like the lines of hope and hopelessness blurred by dreams into non-existence. Not bitterly, not dramatically. Just… stopped. I no longer expect that some divine power is going to fix things, or drop good luck in my lap like a promotional do-one-get-everything offer. Life doesn’t work like that, and frankly, I don’t want my spiritual side to feel transactional (anymore...?) Strangely, though, my faith hasn’t disappeared. If anything, it’s shifted. I still believe that whatever is up there, or around us, is doing its job. Keeping the world running, quietly nudging the right things into place. I just don’t think it needs my daily attendance logs to function. And maybe that’s okay. Because its workings do not have that big an effect on me as well. Maybe I’m growing out of the “god-fearing” phase and into something more thoughtful. Less performative, more internal. Respecting tradition (on the face of it), yes (haha), but without letting it steer my life on autopilot. It feels like a transition. Like I’m renegotiating the terms of my relationship with the divine: still respectful, but on my own timeline… not someone else’s.

~ Oizys.