Graduating Into Unemployment

It is that time of the year. I am graduating and, at the same time, entering the unemployment pool. Like a false promise for a bright future. Like a dinghy in a treacherous ocean. At the mercy of lightnings and currents.

I feel as if I spent my years studying without preparing for what would come after the studies. I look back and I feel proud that I made it out alive, but then a huge block of guilt mounts over my pride. The guilt of not having a path paved to go after this. Every time someone comes up to congratulate me, I feel their questions of "what's next?" hit me like a meteor. So hollow yet so heavy.

For months, I protected myself with a sheath of lies. I did not care about the future. More like, I pretended to not care about the future, so I won't have to do anything about it. I submitted myself to delusion. I let delusion dominate me. It made me kneel and told me everything would be fine. Pieces will fall together and there will be a picture; do not worry. And I just... foolishly listened, whereas deep down my own conscience kept screaming, "Do not fall for it." I guess I was swooned by the idea of a picture forming itself without actually working for it.

I keep applying every day. I keep spreading your resumes. Like those people giving out flyers. I hawk my skills. I peddle my counterfeit experiences. I shamelessly hope someone will see some potential in me. Someone willing to dig through my lies and pretentiousness and recognize my need to work. Someone who will not just brush me off because of my tramp trail and put a name to my sincerity.

Yes, yes, we all get through it eventually. Some make it with flying colors and polished faces, some with scraped knees and gratitude for two meals a day. But we all make it eventually. I know. But...

As I continue on this journey of job searching, I can't help but feel like I'm wandering in the dark with no clear destination in sight. It's a daunting feeling, knowing that I have no idea where I'll end up or what I'll be doing. The uncertainty is suffocating, and sometimes it feels like I'm stuck in a never-ending cycle of rejection and disappointment. Rejection mail piles up. I print them all and bury myself beneath the disappointment. I take each of the "We regret to inform you" sentences and pin them on myself. And I wish someone would just come and see my pinboard of defeat and maybe, just pity me. Help me compensate for a lack in me. I scream into the void, "What do I do?" All I get is silence. Maybe a picture of a sea of graduates hurdling around towards the island of jobs. And someone nudges me to find my face in the picture. All I can answer is silence.

But, as far as I know, there is no one who will come and hold my hand, roll open my palm, and give me a job. Hence, I keep rolling. I let the cycle of sending out a resume and them reflexing with a rejection continue. In a hope that I will be successful in snapping up something, or at least trap someone into thinking I am worthy and suitable for some position. Talk about reverse imposter syndrome, eh?

- Oizys.