Graduating Into Unemployment

It is that time of the year. I am graduating and, at the same time, entering the unemployment pool. Like a false promise for a bright future. Like a dinghy in a treacherous ocean. At the mercy of lightnings and currents.

I feel as if I spent my years studying without preparing for what would come after the studies. I look back and I feel proud that I made it out alive, but then a huge block of guilt mounts over my pride. The guilt of not having a path paved to go after this. Every time someone comes up to congratulate me, I feel their questions of "what's next?" hit me like a meteor. So hollow yet so heavy.

For months, I protected myself with a sheath of lies. I did not care about the future. More like, I pretended to not care about the future, so I won't have to do anything about it. I submitted myself to delusion. I let delusion dominate me. It made me kneel and told me everything would be fine. Pieces will fall together and there will be a picture; do not worry. And I just... foolishly listened, whereas deep down my own conscience kept screaming, "Do not fall for it." I guess I was swooned by the idea of a picture forming itself without actually working for it.

I keep applying every day. I keep spreading your resumes. Like those people giving out flyers. I hawk my skills. I peddle my counterfeit experiences. I shamelessly hope someone will see some potential in me. Someone willing to dig through my lies and pretentiousness and recognize my need to work. Someone who will not just brush me off because of my tramp trail and put a name to my sincerity.

Yes, yes, we all get through it eventually. Some make it with flying colors and polished faces, some with scraped knees and gratitude for two meals a day. But we all make it eventually. I know. But...

As I continue on this journey of job searching, I can't help but feel like I'm wandering in the dark with no clear destination in sight. It's a daunting feeling, knowing that I have no idea where I'll end up or what I'll be doing. The uncertainty is suffocating, and sometimes it feels like I'm stuck in a never-ending cycle of rejection and disappointment. Rejection mail piles up. I print them all and bury myself beneath the disappointment. I take each of the "We regret to inform you" sentences and pin them on myself. And I wish someone would just come and see my pinboard of defeat and maybe, just pity me. Help me compensate for a lack in me. I scream into the void, "What do I do?" All I get is silence. Maybe a picture of a sea of graduates hurdling around towards the island of jobs. And someone nudges me to find my face in the picture. All I can answer is silence.

But, as far as I know, there is no one who will come and hold my hand, roll open my palm, and give me a job. Hence, I keep rolling. I let the cycle of sending out a resume and them reflexing with a rejection continue. In a hope that I will be successful in snapping up something, or at least trap someone into thinking I am worthy and suitable for some position. Talk about reverse imposter syndrome, eh?

- Oizys.

"Ye Olde Tactic" - Uncovering the Deception: The Ugliness of Pointing

The father points at the maid and tells his daughter, "At least you are educated," while forcing her to marry upon graduation. The maid goes home and complains to her mother about how her husband comes home drunk every night. The mother points at the neighbor woman and says, "At least your husband doesn't beat you like hers." When you point at the broken offices and dirty roads of your country, they shove the neighboring country's economic failure down your throat, forcing you to kneel in gratitude to your country, which cannot even let you marry your own sex.

You know, that tactic when they point at something a bit uglier than themselves to cover up their own hideousness? It is almost as if they met and sat down together to solve the problems of the world. And decided to choose this chain, this pattern, to control. To manipulate. To remain on the throne. To protect the system. This system caters to their waving hands. because acknowledging the truth will break the crux of the system. It is like dismantling a house of cards. We are all just cards for them, each delicate and seemingly insignificant for them. You can see the intricate pattern of pointing towards an unluckier card all over the house. They put you together for a carnival show like puppets.

But the truth is, this house is not that weak; it is a deeply rooted tree. The roots are shackling us from moving forward. Entrenched in expired understandings. Embedded in our minds. So much so that even if your logical parlance knows it is not wrong to enter the kitchen when you are menstruating, your foot becomes heavy when you try to step in. Guilt kidnaps you and takes you on a trip to the graveyard of traditions and ancestral souls. It wraps its chain around your wrists and drags you through the graveyards, past the headstones etched with the names of your forefathers and mothers. It plunges the ghosts of honor and the whispers of modesty, and then you start feeling disappointed eyes on your body that were only half draped.

If you are a card somewhere hearing about the example of another, here is a message from the other card. Do not listen to them. It is a tactic to trap you and show you off as a dolled-up house. Instead, unlayer their ploy of pointing. Peel back the layers of deception and uncover the truth. The truth is that we are not just showcards in their house of power but human beings. Individual human beings with feelings, emotions, thoughts, and struggles are chock-full of poetry. Uproot their lies about the ugliness of others and make them uncomfortable with your truth about humanness.

- Oizys.