25 May 2022

The diary entry was lodged successfully on the fifth day consecutively.
I woke up earlier than usual.
I also got an email regarding gaining a head position in a community for which I had applied by mistake and didn't even take the interview. What do I do with that? Should I go along with it or recheck with them?
I had some puffed rice with raw mango for breakfast.
I am considering making a small donation here as this morning when I opened the Diary website, a notification popped up regarding the website needing some financial support to pay its host. I don't know what to do. Is it too early? I like this application and would love to contribute to its well-being.
I am continuing with my search for work opportunities. I am also planning to do some courses today. I found two which are free and one which requires a small fee due to an offer. But, I am scared to ask for money. Today is the last day of the offer. Let's see if I can do something. Although, I have started the two free ones, downloaded and reviewed the materials, and assorted them.
I am really craving something cold to drink.
This is the second day of exercise.
I got another rejection letter today.
I cried myself to sleep.

I have been having a lot of existential thoughts whenever I leave my land of thoughts and fantasies. I look around. My friends have other people in their lives. They go out, have lovely relationships, and have fun with their best friends. Do silly stuff, and make memories. My siblings are getting new jobs. People are moving in life further. And then I look inside myself. Just the sort of person, doing nothing much, in whom people take an interest once in a while but do not really care if I am gone or absent. I just sort of exist but do not really mean anything to anyone or any way that is possible. I keep thinking if I am really living my life or not. I search for memories, but my gallery is empty. My mind has no remembrance of anything that can make my soul nostalgic. Was I meant to be a human? Because, sometimes, even existing feels uncanny.

Today's mood: bleak, Sehnsucht, hiraeth

- Oizys.

24 May 2022

This is the fourth day of log entries.
I slept really late again last night. There was a storm, and some flower pots broke, and a transformer exploded.
I woke up early in the morning and checked my phone. I saw another work rejection email. Hence, I slept again and woke up later.
I am writing a reply to that rejection email asking for feedback. However, the rejection email was riddled with spelling mistakes, such as "I regret to inform you that your have cleared that test." Ugh? Should I be glad to have been rejected from here or what?

I have sent an email to them asking for feedback. I ordered some food but got sick. 
I exercised today after a long time. The body feels sore but free. I also submitted the paper, and I have kept my hopes high about this one.
I received a message here from another diarist here. This feels like a homely place. I have replied to them.
And, I also found some more of my old entries from the manual diary scribbled here and there. I am planning to lodge them here too, maybe tomorrow.

The constant rejections feel like stepping on my hand when I am trying to crawl my way back from the pit crater. I tried to speak about this to a friend of mine today but in vain. She says to keep on trying. The thing is, I can't afford to give up. I am trying and will never stop doing so. But, the will has its own mind, which gets raveled sometimes. I wish someone could tell me, or at the very least, understand these kinds of incidents. These kinds of thoughts, are diametrically opposite but exist side-by-side. 

Today's mood: inept, bummed, discarded.

- Oizys.