Random Diary Entry - 19th February 2023

Forming an unhealthy obsession with my top-choice university

This might be a very embarrassing, but I just need to let it out (and, maybe, seek a bit of validation as to whether it's normal and whether other people do it or not).

I applied to one university for a very specific Master's program, and I am becoming obsessed with it. There is no such thing as a day or a minute when I don't stop searching for it and thinking about getting in. I know "the perfect university" might sound banal to some people. But I can't stop thinking about how perfectly it fits me. I am getting so lost underneath the heavy blanket of fantasies that I keep forgetting that my application is not outstanding. My grades, publications, and activities are not "striking." Heck, even my academic essay, on which I spent months and months researching and editing, is not that remarkable. I am still awaiting an interview letter. There is a good chance I may not get selected for an interview, let alone getting accepted. But all I've done and continue to do is religiously "stalk" my university, watch their YouTube videos, follow their every post and account, attend their model classes, attend their webinars, apply for their summer programs, connect with previous and current university students on LinkedIn, check their profiles, and occasionally compare if I have a chance (which always ends in disappointment).

But, at the same time, there is a part of me that knows I may not get accepted and all this obsession might come crashing down around my ears. That part of me wants to stop, but at this point I am too scared to face reality because I have invested too much, and I just want to hide behind "fantasies" while I wait for a rejection letter.

- Oizys.

She Kissed My Hand and I Want To Die

I am stifling. This is becoming too much. I am physically nauseated. I don't know why this is happening to me. Every minute passes by, and I just wish I never existed. This horrible existence Every night, I cover myself with a heavy blanket of lies and wet my hair and pillow with tears, hoping the night will engulf my existence and churn it into nothingness.

Nowadays, I just wish nonsensical, desperate things like, "Why was I not asked where I wanted to be born or not?" It's stupid, isn't it? Even with all the science and technology, we can never ask a human, while it is inside another human, whether they truly want to live through humanity. Because, after we are born, it is the humans who make the baby regret its own existence; its very sentience.

Humans are so territorial about their children, they forget children are human too. When they grow up, they will feel the need to use their autonomy. Why do some parents think they can dictate their child's life to every extent possible just because of procreation?

Each day, I wish there were some way I could have conveyed to the person who gave birth not to do so. Only if I knew, she would birth me and micromanage my entire life like my existence isn't mine, like my breathing isn't mine, like this world isn't mine. We, as children, learn to grow up and lead a human life, but our parents never learn to detach themselves from us. 

I wish I could shed all of this and run away. I wish there was a way to run away from everything I have now. Get lost in oblivion. not even a single memory of anything that is around me right now. The very longing to put an end to all of this. Because, even if you move far, far away, the happenings of past will be deeply etched in your mind forever like their blood in your viens.

When you know how your mother births you, you are amazed and you say, "Oh my God." And then, when she proceeds to mould you, break you, rearrange you, and beat you like you are some hobbling boot, you realise there is no God. There is only evil in humans and misery in humanity.

- Oizys.