Random Diary Entry - 19th February 2023

Forming an unhealthy obsession with my top-choice university

This might be a very embarrassing, but I just need to let it out (and, maybe, seek a bit of validation as to whether it's normal and whether other people do it or not).

 

I applied to one university for a very specific Master's program, and I am becoming obsessed with it. There is no such thing as a day or a minute when I don't stop searching for it and thinking about getting in. I know "the perfect university" might sound banal to some people. But I can't stop thinking about how perfectly it fits me. I am getting so lost underneath the heavy blanket of fantasies that I keep forgetting that my application is not outstanding. My grades, publications, and activities are not "striking." Heck, even my academic essay, on which I spent months and months researching and editing, is not that remarkable. I am still awaiting an interview letter. There is a good chance I may not get selected for an interview, let alone getting accepted. But all I've done and continue to do is religiously "stalk" my university, watch their YouTube videos, follow their every post and account, attend their model classes, attend their webinars, apply for their summer programs, connect with previous and current university students on LinkedIn, check their profiles, and occasionally compare if I have a chance (which always ends in disappointment).

 

But, at the same time, there is a part of me that knows I may not get accepted and all this obsession might come crashing down around my ears. That part of me wants to stop, but at this point I am too scared to face reality because I have invested too much, and I just want to hide behind "fantasies" while I wait for a rejection letter.

 

- Oizys.