06 June 2022

The sixth day of the June and yesterday was the first day I missed an entry here. How quickly I somersaulted on my own words, is mortifying. The day before yesterday, I sewed some really big words here about crawling my way forward but, last night I just let go completely and fell into the rabbit hole of tears and fears. I failed my words which is not surprising. Yesterday, I finished the marathon, made my submission and I started to watch this new TV show until I realized I was just breaking down continuously. Getting cut off by multiple self-directed mini-manic episodes, I got tired and shut the show instead.

I woke up this morning but couldn't find a single reason or a work to get up to. Have been stifling my breakdowns all day today, and it is becoming an icy volcano bubbling with teary lava. The reason you ask, but I do not know. It is so difficult to pinpoint what crippled my crust so austere that led to this breakthrough of magma of woe and anguish. Every time, I go to pieces, it feels like chambers of embers and reservoirs of lava burst open and floods my mind. Then, I spend days dusting off the powdery ash and wiping the unguent remains before it runs around and compacts my mind and entire corporeal into a boulder of self-abhorrence. But, no matter what I do to make myself believe that I have undone this caldera, I can not escape the destruction that has been done leaving behind a trail of minacious zones.

I will spend the night doing some proofreading. I received another report with some good results that reflect my progress.

Today's mood: tensed, frenzied, and discomfort.

- Oizys.

04 June 2022

The fourth day of June.
Also, it is the fifteenth day of logging entries to this diary.

I woke up early and the day went with the first day of the Research Marathon. It was great and I enjoyed it a lot. I was allocated a fairly new topic, so, it was a challenge that made it fun.

Other than that, nothing happened at all.

And, I feel like nothing is happening at all that could make me write. There are not many thoughts in this mind of mine currently that I can pen down here. Vacant. With a few crunchy leaves lying here and there and when I go to catch them, I probably hold on to them so hard that I end up masticating the food for my thoughts with my very own hands.

Anyways, no proofreading today. I had more than ten hours of screen time and my fingers refused to go over the keyboard and my eyes rejected the light of the laptop screen. I am actually writing this down using my mobile phone. This feels a bit convenient for days like these. I always use a laptop because that way I can notice mistakes and fix them. But again, as I said, I have been feeling like I don't have much to write and if I gave myself the excuse for one day, I would break this consistency that I have the intention of abiding by. So, tolerate me. Because I have no other choice than to get the hell on with me, even if I have to crawl. Because I have no other choice than to stick around, even if I have to scratch my nails.

Today's mood: languorous, burned-out, and done.

- Oizys.