27 May 2022

Seventh-day. One week of logging entries has been completed successfully.
I couldn't sleep at all last night. I slept this morning at 6 am. I woke up at 10 am and had breakfast at 1 pm.
I have completed two small introductory courses today. I was approached to submit my details for an internship.
And, I talked about the mistaken appointment. They said the position is mine if I want it. I have accepted it.
I found some discrepancies in one of my published papers. I talked to my co-authors about it.
I am very anxious about this new position. In a good way.
Went for a long grocery shopping. Had to stock up so, so many things.

I am feeling very jumpy. It is a very restless feeling, both exhausted and anxious.
I constantly feel embarrassed for no reason at all. Do you, if anyone is reading, feel it too? Embarrassed for no reason whatsoever. Constant guilt lingering at the corners of your mind, slamming the doors of your soul at any other good emotion.

I told my family about my new position acquired. They mocked me and kept pulling my chain throughout the entire teatime. That's it. Blotted a source of happiness and sense of achievement before it could emanate. Now, I am trying my best to find a reason to avoid dinner with them. Oh, the pain of sitting at that table trying to swallow food when they are shoving insults down my throat.

Today's mood: derailed, frustrated, abashed.

- Oizys.

 

26 May 2022

The sixth day of the log entry.
Today is a blurry day. I woke up so late in the afternoon.
I applied for some internships.
An old paper of mine got accepted. I have been working to upload it to various repositories to get it recognized and increase readership.
I didn't have breakfast, just lunch.
I tried to exercise but was unable to. I will try again tomorrow, but I will do some bedtime stretching before going to sleep.
I washed my hair today. I had a disgusting headache.
I emailed the community about my mistaken appointment of mine. Let's see what they say.

I have been reading a lot of diaries here lately. It is beautiful. It is interesting. I was able to relate to a couple of the diarists here. I want to share my relatability by responding to their entries. Let's see. I always have qualms when I try to talk or build any connection. Rather than focusing on what to say, I overthink how they will perceive me, understand me, or what they will think about me. I barely talk in person, even with my family members. I just do not know what to say. It is also the reason why I prefer slow communication tools like text or emails rather than calls or in-person meetings. My thoughts become blurry. In emails or texts, I can take my time to think and search and write in a concise manner.

Today's mood: empty, unfit, and sluggish.

- Oizys.