Random Diary Entry - 28 February 2023

Gave my interview yesterday...

I had my master's interview yesterday. And I keep replaying my interview in my head and feel mortified.

I joined early, waited nervously in the waiting room, and tried to calm my nerves by taking deep breaths. When I was allowed into the meeting, I put on my best smile and tried to appear confident. But, inside, I was a bundle of nerves. The interview went by in a blur. I only remember stumbling over my words, losing my train of thought, and feeling like I wasn't making a good impression. As the interview ended, I couldn't help but feel like I had blown it.

Now, I'm constantly thinking about the interview and the fact that the results will be declared at the end of March. The waiting is driving me crazy, and I can't stop thinking about what I could have done differently.

I know that I need to try and forget about it and move on, but I can't help but feel like this interview was my one shot. I can only hope that my nerves didn't get the best of me and that I made a good impression on the interviewer, who happens to be the chair of the program. It is the only programme I have applied for, partly because it specifically fits my interests with its generous funding. I came across another programme to apply for, but my LOR writers have not responded to me yet.

I will have to wait for the results and see what the future holds for me.


- Oizys.

Random Diary Entry - 21st February 2023

Got an Interview Invitation -- Too Scared -- Intrusive Thoughts to Withdraw

So, I had posted here a few days ago about being overly obsessed with my top-choice university. I just received an email a while ago for an interview. It's a Master's program. I was really excited about the university. Now that I have been selected for the interview, I am so anxious.

I feel like I am mediocre, and I'm just obsessed with the university, but I never really prepared myself. I am really freaking out. I always dreamed of going to this university. Now that I am one step closer, knowing that the next step will determine whether I am able to join the programme or not, I am really freaking out. It's not just normal nervousness. I am really chickening out. I am having intrusive thoughts about withdrawing my application. I constantly feel like I am not prepared. that I am not eligible for this.

Nobody else knows I applied for this because my parents won't allow me to study at a foreign university. That's why I was applying to a foreign university in order to get out of here. But, at the same time, I didn't want to just go away and do something I hated. So, when I found this university, I got excited and very interested.

Now, I am freaking out. I also feel like I have impersonated someone on my CV. I am unable to focus on the academic essay that I wrote for this application. I love the subject I am applying for. It is my major, and I am at the top of my class, not only in marks but also because my current professors have encouraged me to take up academia and research in this subject. But I don't feel like I deserve this. I feel lowly. Measly.

I need to give them a reply to confirm the time slot for the interview. But I am unable to. I am unable to even write a response. Maybe I should step back? I feel like I don't deserve to sit for this interview. I know I will botch this interview up. Plus, I have never given an official, proper, serious interview before. I have given telephonic interviews but not video ones like this, with a senior professor asking questions and all.

I wish I had someone to talk to about this in person. My friends are not exactly interested in this. My parents—well, as I mentioned before, they can't know. I am just so, so scared that I feel worthless. There is a very vague, dreadful feeling in my stomach. But the feeling of being doomed in my mind is vivid. I am unable to eat.

- Oizys.