Random Diary Entry - 21st February 2023

Got an Interview Invitation -- Too Scared -- Intrusive Thoughts to Withdraw

So, I had posted here a few days ago about being overly obsessed with my top-choice university. I just received an email a while ago for an interview. It's a Master's program. I was really excited about the university. Now that I have been selected for the interview, I am so anxious.

I feel like I am mediocre, and I'm just obsessed with the university, but I never really prepared myself. I am really freaking out. I always dreamed of going to this university. Now that I am one step closer, knowing that the next step will determine whether I am able to join the programme or not, I am really freaking out. It's not just normal nervousness. I am really chickening out. I am having intrusive thoughts about withdrawing my application. I constantly feel like I am not prepared. that I am not eligible for this.

Nobody else knows I applied for this because my parents won't allow me to study at a foreign university. That's why I was applying to a foreign university in order to get out of here. But, at the same time, I didn't want to just go away and do something I hated. So, when I found this university, I got excited and very interested.

Now, I am freaking out. I also feel like I have impersonated someone on my CV. I am unable to focus on the academic essay that I wrote for this application. I love the subject I am applying for. It is my major, and I am at the top of my class, not only in marks but also because my current professors have encouraged me to take up academia and research in this subject. But I don't feel like I deserve this. I feel lowly. Measly.

I need to give them a reply to confirm the time slot for the interview. But I am unable to. I am unable to even write a response. Maybe I should step back? I feel like I don't deserve to sit for this interview. I know I will botch this interview up. Plus, I have never given an official, proper, serious interview before. I have given telephonic interviews but not video ones like this, with a senior professor asking questions and all.

I wish I had someone to talk to about this in person. My friends are not exactly interested in this. My parents—well, as I mentioned before, they can't know. I am just so, so scared that I feel worthless. There is a very vague, dreadful feeling in my stomach. But the feeling of being doomed in my mind is vivid. I am unable to eat.

- Oizys.

The Hunger Within: A Journey Through Depression and Loss of Appetite

Today, I realised that I'm not hungry anymore. But it's not because I've lost my appetite, it's because I've lost my zest for life. Food used to be my solace, my comfort, my friend. But now, even my favourite dishes taste like ashes in my mouth.

I feel like I've lost my way, like I'm drifting in a sea of uncertainty. I used to have a clear sense of purpose, a set of goals, and a vision for my future. But now, everything feels muddled, confusing, and bleak. I can't seem to find the light at the end of the tunnel, or the silver lining in the clouds.

I used to love to cook, to experiment with new recipes, and to share my creations with my loved ones. But now, I can barely bring myself to open the fridge, let alone whip up a gourmet meal. Cooking feels like a chore, a burden, a waste of time.

I don't know where to turn, who to talk to, or how to get out of this rut. I feel like I'm stuck in a bad dream, or a black hole. I keep trying to claw my way out, but the harder I try, the deeper I sink.

Maybe it's just a phase, a passing mood, a temporary setback. Or maybe it's something deeper, more profound, and more elusive. Maybe I need to face my fears, confront my doubts, and embrace my true self. Maybe I need to find a new passion, a new purpose, a new reason to live.

But for now, all I can say is that "I'm not hungry anymore". Not for food, not for life, not for anything. I just feel empty, numb, and lost.

I don't know what the future holds, or what the next chapter of my life will bring. But I do know that I need to keep moving forward, one step at a time. I need to keep searching for answers, for meaning, for hope.

So, I'll end this entry with a quote from a wise woman I once knew: "Hunger is the language of the soul. When we stop being hungry, we stop being alive." I may not be hungry right now, but I know deep down that my soul is still hungry for something. And I won't stop searching until I find it.

- Oizys.