Pure, Unadultered Guilt

Wanting is not enough. We have to work towards what we want. I have been dreading for the past few weeks. I want something. And, I am trying so hard to make myself work toward it. But, I am so scared. I am so, so scared. What if I fail? I have nothing to fall back on? I am so scared of getting rejected. There is a part of me that is so scared of failing that it is not letting me work toward it and there is another part of me that wants it so freaking much. I am just so tired with all the gut-wrenching anxiety. Just the continuous rumination. Of what will happen. Of the results. Of what will I do if I do not get it. Of how will I face people. I just want to escape. I just want to not want this. I am going crazy. What if I am not good enough? Will I ever get it? Is it for me? What is out there for me? And, apart of all of these emotions, I have this guilt. Pure, unadultered guilt. I do not know why. I am so exhausted. It is nerve wrecking. I am not eating. I am not sleeping. Everything is a havoc. I am just crying constantly. I do not know how will I go through these few months. I do not know. 

- Oizys.

December Is Cold And Full Of Regrets

The end of December approaches. As I wrap myself in this thick blanket and search for some sleep in this deep cold, a layer of regrets settles on me. It is heavy. And it is chilly. Like the night. My ankles are locked. My hands were trembling under my chin. I reminisce. About all the opportunities I could have taken advantage of but did not because I was too afraid. About all the messages I could have talked to people but didn't because I was too disconnected. About all the times I could have gone out and been with people but did not because I was a bit too tired. About all the time I could have been just happy but did not because I was a bit too caught in my own head. About all the times I could have sat with my family and laughed but didn't because I was upset.

December is ruthless. Pricking you with the worst nostalgia. I cover myself from head to toe, hoping to escape this layer of regrets by immersing myself in my fantasyland, only to regret not sleeping properly the next morning.

- Oizys.