December Is Cold And Full Of Regrets

The end of December approaches. As I wrap myself in this thick blanket and search for some sleep in this deep cold, a layer of regrets settles on me. It is heavy. And it is chilly. Like the night. My ankles are locked. My hands were trembling under my chin. I reminisce. About all the opportunities I could have taken advantage of but did not because I was too afraid. About all the messages I could have talked to people but didn't because I was too disconnected. About all the times I could have gone out and been with people but did not because I was a bit too tired. About all the time I could have been just happy but did not because I was a bit too caught in my own head. About all the times I could have sat with my family and laughed but didn't because I was upset.

December is ruthless. Pricking you with the worst nostalgia. I cover myself from head to toe, hoping to escape this layer of regrets by immersing myself in my fantasyland, only to regret not sleeping properly the next morning.

- Oizys.
 

Is It All Just Plain Dramatic?

 Am I too dramatic? With feeling all these emotions constantly. Constantly stressed out. Just worried. Filling my entries with all the overthinking. Am I too much? Do I crib a lot?

On this beautiful, chilly night, I was neck-deep at work. And, suddenly, the above thoughts hit me like someone splashing water on my face.

Is it true, though? Sometimes, I wonder. Am I a buzzkill? I often look at my friends or family and think, "Would they be having more fun if I were not here?" If I were not here, they would be doing all those things that I am holding them back from or that they are not doing because of me. Would this place become a better place if I were to stop existing here? Sometimes, when I was younger, I would think. Is there any way to escape and watch my life from afar? Like, I won't be here, and everything else is the same. How would that affect the lives that are connected to mine? And I don't think like this with bad intentions about my near and dear ones. I would never want them to be hurt or sad. I just wonder if they would be happier if I were not here. Or simply feel and act differently if I were no longer a part of their lives. Just to make sure that I am not a burden on them,

Such intrusive thoughts. Yet very absorbing. That is, I keep looking for meaning in my non-existence while completely ignoring my existence as if it holds no meaning.

- Oizys.