Is It All Just Plain Dramatic?

 Am I too dramatic? With feeling all these emotions constantly. Constantly stressed out. Just worried. Filling my entries with all the overthinking. Am I too much? Do I crib a lot?

On this beautiful, chilly night, I was neck-deep at work. And, suddenly, the above thoughts hit me like someone splashing water on my face.

Is it true, though? Sometimes, I wonder. Am I a buzzkill? I often look at my friends or family and think, "Would they be having more fun if I were not here?" If I were not here, they would be doing all those things that I am holding them back from or that they are not doing because of me. Would this place become a better place if I were to stop existing here? Sometimes, when I was younger, I would think. Is there any way to escape and watch my life from afar? Like, I won't be here, and everything else is the same. How would that affect the lives that are connected to mine? And I don't think like this with bad intentions about my near and dear ones. I would never want them to be hurt or sad. I just wonder if they would be happier if I were not here. Or simply feel and act differently if I were no longer a part of their lives. Just to make sure that I am not a burden on them,

Such intrusive thoughts. Yet very absorbing. That is, I keep looking for meaning in my non-existence while completely ignoring my existence as if it holds no meaning.

- Oizys.

Am I Doing Enough Or Not?

Currently, I do not have much going on in my life to write about. It is all the same. Wake up, work, sleep. But, I have been wondering. About the university, I had mentioned earlier. I was so caught up in desiring and fearing, I forgot to think if I am prepared for it. I mean, that is the most important part. Am I doing enough? Am I eligible to study there? Am I preparing enought for it? I am so scared and feeling so jittery. Ugh. Why can't I be more decisive? And, confident? Or, a bit more sorted? Why do I have to be constantly worried about things. A constant itch in my left foot numbing my entire body out of anxiety and twitchiness. Why can't it be a bit simple for me just once? Sometimes, I feel like I cribble too much about it but then I think, is everything else also always crippling with constant uneasiness and collywobbles like me? I wish I could have something or someone who would just tell me, what would it be for me? What's in the store for me? What will the providence throw at me this time? I just cannot stop ruminating, over and over again. I am mentally exhausted. 

- Oizys.