16 June 2022

I feel rather buoyant today.

I wore a new dress. Well, my sister bought this four-to-five years ago and never wore it. She was sorting her wardrobe out and found it. It doesn't fit her anymore, so she gave it to me. It fits me perfectly. Though it is a merchandise type with a quote written on it (which I am not a fan of), I like the color and the fit. So, I am keeping it.
I applied to a few more jobs today and did some proofreading.

I have been listening to some freak folk and freak-pop songs lately. I have noticed I am more drawn toward songs with female vocalists in the freak genre. There is a wonderful richness when a tone is seeping when the true and false folds are pulled taut by a gentlewoman, and with a silhouette of psychedelia, it is hauntingly beautiful. Soft and dreamy. Mellow and pleasant. Soulful and fresh. Pure and lyrical. Infectious and vintage. Gorgeous and wistful. It makes you feel nostalgic about a time that may not have existed in your life but has surely affected you. Of a time that never happened to you but has surely made you delirious in your seasonal peaks and troughs. Such a lilting voice with piercing words, when listened to while having a feeble soul and a vulnerable chunk of heart, might lead you towards a "greater hell, or to an oddly unsettling heaven."

Current favourites are Vashti Bunyan, Broadcast.

Today's mood: settling, soft and seasonal.

- Oizys.

14 June 2022

The fourteenth day of June.

I have many thoughts but nothing to write. Nothing that I want to jot down. There is nothing that I want to write here that I would like to read in a few years to feel something.
But, since I have made it clear to myself that I will try to be consistent here, I will make sure to write something or other. 
There are no work leads available or foreseeable.
The current landscape in the folk household is improving and coming to normal standards. 
I still constantly work around eggshells and try to maintain low contact.
I have also not been able to proofread, actively apply for work, or write here properly for the past few days. I am all drained out after all the havoc. I have no imagination left, nor any creativity with words either. Back to square one. 
I also turned the diary into private mode, for what reason I do not know. I want people to read me but not analyze or judge me. I want people to see me but not recognize me. I want people to hear me but not think about me. I think I am scared of being discovered, but at the same time, I desperately want to be known.
It is so perplexing to feel empty and at the same time feel constricted, like something is stuck inside. I am tired of reminding myself that I am actually alive and breathing. I have to zone myself in by putting my hands on a firm surface and pressing the tips of my fingers to remind myself that this body of mine is working.

Today's mood: L'Ennui.

- Oizys.