26 May 2022

The sixth day of the log entry.
Today is a blurry day. I woke up so late in the afternoon.
I applied for some internships.
An old paper of mine got accepted. I have been working to upload it to various repositories to get it recognized and increase readership.
I didn't have breakfast, just lunch.
I tried to exercise but was unable to. I will try again tomorrow, but I will do some bedtime stretching before going to sleep.
I washed my hair today. I had a disgusting headache.
I emailed the community about my mistaken appointment of mine. Let's see what they say.

I have been reading a lot of diaries here lately. It is beautiful. It is interesting. I was able to relate to a couple of the diarists here. I want to share my relatability by responding to their entries. Let's see. I always have qualms when I try to talk or build any connection. Rather than focusing on what to say, I overthink how they will perceive me, understand me, or what they will think about me. I barely talk in person, even with my family members. I just do not know what to say. It is also the reason why I prefer slow communication tools like text or emails rather than calls or in-person meetings. My thoughts become blurry. In emails or texts, I can take my time to think and search and write in a concise manner.

Today's mood: empty, unfit, and sluggish.

- Oizys.

25 May 2022

The diary entry was lodged successfully on the fifth day consecutively.
I woke up earlier than usual.
I also got an email regarding gaining a head position in a community for which I had applied by mistake and didn't even take the interview. What do I do with that? Should I go along with it or recheck with them?
I had some puffed rice with raw mango for breakfast.
I am considering making a small donation here as this morning when I opened the Diary website, a notification popped up regarding the website needing some financial support to pay its host. I don't know what to do. Is it too early? I like this application and would love to contribute to its well-being.
I am continuing with my search for work opportunities. I am also planning to do some courses today. I found two which are free and one which requires a small fee due to an offer. But, I am scared to ask for money. Today is the last day of the offer. Let's see if I can do something. Although, I have started the two free ones, downloaded and reviewed the materials, and assorted them.
I am really craving something cold to drink.
This is the second day of exercise.
I got another rejection letter today.
I cried myself to sleep.

I have been having a lot of existential thoughts whenever I leave my land of thoughts and fantasies. I look around. My friends have other people in their lives. They go out, have lovely relationships, and have fun with their best friends. Do silly stuff, and make memories. My siblings are getting new jobs. People are moving in life further. And then I look inside myself. Just the sort of person, doing nothing much, in whom people take an interest once in a while but do not really care if I am gone or absent. I just sort of exist but do not really mean anything to anyone or any way that is possible. I keep thinking if I am really living my life or not. I search for memories, but my gallery is empty. My mind has no remembrance of anything that can make my soul nostalgic. Was I meant to be a human? Because, sometimes, even existing feels uncanny.

Today's mood: bleak, Sehnsucht, hiraeth

- Oizys.