Pearly Oizys

From the movie Pearl (2022) that struck me and burnt me forever, leaving holes and marks in my soul in the shape of those words:

"Life terrifies me. It's harsh, and bleak, and draining."

"I hate feeling like this. It's so pathetic. Do people like you ever feel this way? Figure you don't... you seem so perfect all the time. Lord must have been generous to you. He never answers any of my prayers. I don't know why. What did I do? What is wrong with me? Please just tell me so I can get better. I don't wanna end up like Mama I wanna be dancing up on the screen like the pretty girls in the pictures. I want what they have so badly... to be perfect... to be loved by as many people as possible to make up for all my time spent suffering. Sometimes I wake in the middle of the night and a fear washes over me 'cause what if this is it? What if this is right where I belong? I'm a failure. I'm not pretty, or naturally pleasant, or friendly. I'm not smart, or funny, or confident. I'm exactly what Mama said I was: weak. But I don't know why. What did I do? Why wasn't my family like yours? I hate what it feels like to be me and not you."

"I don't like reality. Where I live I mean."
"So leave."
"It's not that easy."
"Well, sure it is. There's a road right out front there."

I absolutely hate how much these words specifically affect me and trigger my tears. "What is wrong with me? What is wrong with me? What is wrong with me? What is wrong with me?" constantly ring in my head as I choke myself with my silent sobs to sleep. And, whenever I vent or complain about it, I hear people say, "So leave". Whenever I hear that, it just makes me helplessly angry, those two words carrying a simplicity that feels both enticing and infuriating. I often respond in the same way, "It's not that easy", my voice tinged with frustration, knowing that the road to liberation is paved with obstacles. But then, I think about it. Why can I only feel the chains around my legs but no one else can see them? It feels like an induced illusion. "Well, sure it is. There's a road right out front there." How? I gulp down my screams.

If I hate feeling like this, why would anyone else willfully try to understand by empathizing with this?

- Oizys.