Sunday, April 6, 2025

Money, Money, Money

Everything is money. Everything is a lot of money. Costs a lot of money. Standing up to your father. Saving your mother. Running away from your creepy cousin. Not being jealous of your older sister and her solo trips. Staying out with friends. Having a self-esteem. Having a hobby without the pressure of monetizing it but at the same time not seeming like a desperate sell-out. 

Having a clean room. Having a quiet room. Having a room. A door you can close. A bed you can sleep in, not just collapse onto. Not just a cot to rot in. Sheets that don’t smell like the past week. A morning where you don’t wake up exhausted before you even stand up.

Time is money, they say. But somehow, only your time. Not the hours you spend waiting for a bus that never comes. Not the hours wasted in meetings that could have been a single email. Not the hours you give away to a job that calls you family until they don’t need you anymore.

Being a good person. Expensive. Too expensive. Saying yes is free, saying no is costly. Being kind, but not too kind, because that’s naive. Being cautious, but not too cautious, because that’s cold. Being generous, but not so generous that people think you’re trying to buy something.

Having a body that doesn’t hurt all the time. Not just because of illness but because you sat wrong, slept wrong, lived wrong. Keeping it from falling apart. Dentists. Doctors. Gynacs. Pads. Medicines. Therapists. You tell people to go to therapy and pretend you don’t know how much one session costs. You tell people to rest and pretend you don’t know that rest is a privilege.

And love? Love should be free, right? But loving someone means dates, gifts, rent, bills. Weddings. Divorces. You love someone and suddenly you’re reading about tax brackets. You love someone and suddenly you're thinking about health insurance plans. Love is free but living together isn’t. Love is free but raising a child definitely isn’t.

Even dying is expensive. Funerals. Wills. The cost of a final resting place. A cheap coffin is still a couple thousand dollars, but don’t worry—there are payment plans.

Even speaking is money. Having the right words, the right accent, the right tone—expensive. Too cheap, and people dismiss you. Too refined, and people resent you. Knowing the right language in the right country. Knowing when to shut up. Knowing when to speak up, knowing how much it costs to say the wrong thing at the wrong time.

Silence is expensive too. The right to stay silent. The right to not be spoken over. The right to ignore emails, ignore calls, ignore the whole world for a little while. Unplugging. Logging off. Deleting your account. Walking away without explaining yourself.

Privacy? Luxury item. They make you pay to hide, pay to disappear. VPNs, secure phones, off-the-grid cabins. The people who say “if you’ve got nothing to hide, you’ve got nothing to fear” have never had anything worth taking.

Faith is money. Not just church donations or temple fees. Not just the cost of halal meat or kosher kitchens. The price of belonging. The price of being seen as good, moral, righteous. The price of believing in something bigger than yourself without being used, without being exploited.

Doubt? Also money. Therapy again. Self-help books. Meditation retreats. Yoga classes where peace of mind is bundled with a hundred-dollar membership fee. Doubt is a hole in your wallet that someone is always ready to fill.

And art. God, art. You’re supposed to make it for love, not money. But supplies cost money. Training costs money. Time costs money, and nobody wants to pay for it. They want passion, but not the cost of passion. They want a masterpiece, but not the hours that made it. They want you to be grateful that they even looked at your work.

Freedom, of course, is the most expensive thing of all. The ability to walk away. To quit a job, to leave a bad relationship, to refuse, to say no. Freedom isn’t free, but not in the way they tell you. It’s an auction, and only the highest bidders get to leave with their dignity intact.

Everything is money.  Everything costs money. Even the things you thought you already owned. Even the things they swore were priceless.

Your time, your energy, your peace of mind — these things aren’t just commodities; they’re investments. And it’s hard to see where you’ll get returns when the interest keeps compounding, the bills keep coming, and you’re still paying off yesterday's debts.

You pay for your success with sleepless nights. You pay for your mistakes with regret. You pay for your dreams with sacrifice. You pay for your sanity with distractions. You pay for your stability with compromise.

And they say it's all worth it. They say if you work hard enough, if you keep pushing, if you don’t give up, you’ll get there. But “there” is always just a little farther, a little higher, a little more out of reach. And they keep raising the price of admission, even as they tell you it’s a privilege to try.

But in the end, all you can do is keep paying. Keep paying for your place in the world. Keep paying for your right to exist without apology. Keep paying for the freedom to choose your path, even when the path itself is sold to you like a luxury item.

Because that’s what it comes down to, doesn’t it? The cost of existing. The cost of being seen. The cost of being heard. The cost of being free. Everything is money. Even the air you breathe. Even the love you give. Even the dreams you chase.

But here's the thing: we’re conditioned to believe that the cost is inevitable, that it’s simply the price of living in a world built on scarcity. But what if that’s not true? What if the price is just a construct—a system designed to make us feel like we’re always running out of time, out of options, out of resources?

What if the real cost is the illusion itself? The way we chase after what we think we need to be worthy, to be seen, to be successful. We sell ourselves the idea that without the right amount of money, the right career, the right relationships, we’re incomplete. We’re told that if we just have more, we’ll have it all.

But what happens when we start to realize that “more” isn’t the answer? That in the pursuit of accumulation, we’ve lost sight of the things that don’t come with a price tag? The moments of stillness, the conversations that don’t need to be quantified, the simple act of existing without performing, without justifying our worth.

What if the real freedom is not in escaping the system, but in understanding that we are enough, right here, right now, without needing to earn it, buy it, or prove it?

Sure, you can’t escape the bills. You can’t pretend that the world doesn’t value you based on what you can offer—whether it’s time, skills, or attention. But maybe you can find a way to stop letting it dictate your worth. Maybe the true revolution is in rejecting the idea that the price of your life is anything but your own to define.

Maybe we can all stop running in this endless race for more, for more, for more. Maybe it’s time to ask ourselves: What’s the cost of not living fully right now? What’s the cost of waiting for some perfect, idealized future where we finally “have it all”?

Because in chasing after the illusion of what we need, we lose the things that are truly priceless—time spent with people who care about us, the quiet moments where we remember who we are when the world isn’t demanding something from us, the joy of creation that’s not tainted by the question of how much it’s worth.

And yet, we still have to pay. Because that’s the world we live in. But maybe, just maybe, we don’t have to pay with our souls, our joy, our peace.

Maybe the cost is not as steep as they make us believe. And when it’s all said and done, what do you have left? A receipt. A reminder of everything you’ve paid for, everything you’ve lost, and everything you’ve gained. But most of all, you’ll have the knowledge that nothing is truly yours unless you’ve fought for it, paid for it, earned it.

And still, you’ll wonder: Was it worth it?

But even when you try to walk away from it all—when you think you’ve managed to find some balance, some space for yourself—it follows you. The bill collectors. The demands. The expectations. You can never quite escape the feeling that every moment of your life has a price tag. Even the time you try to spend doing nothing, the time you try to claim as yours, is measured in some way. Is this rest worth it? Is it okay to take a break, or is that just another sign of weakness in a world that tells you to hustle?

Even when you close your eyes and try to shut it all out, you can’t ignore the cost of everything you've accumulated, the price of all the things you've tried to hold onto. The house, the car, the clothes, the gadgets. Things that are supposed to make life easier, but somehow only seem to add to the weight. You have to maintain them. You have to care for them. You have to keep paying for them long after they’ve stopped giving you joy.

And then there’s the cost of your own existence—the things you can't even put into words. The quiet sacrifices you make every day. The moments you hold in your chest but can’t share with anyone, because sharing means paying the price of vulnerability. Being understood. Being seen. How much is that worth? Is it worth the effort of trying to explain yourself, over and over, only to be misunderstood or ignored?

You give pieces of yourself away just to keep up, just to keep from falling behind. You trade your comfort for a fleeting sense of success, your peace for the illusion of stability. And still, it’s never enough. There’s always more to pay, more to prove. More.

Even your thoughts cost you. You can’t think for free anymore. Your ideas are currency, and whether you like it or not, someone is ready to capitalize on them. Every tweet, every opinion, every photo posted online—these are commodities, and the minute you share them, you’re putting a price on your existence. The price of your attention, the price of your time, the price of your identity.

And then they tell you to “be yourself,” to embrace your uniqueness, but only if you package it in a way that makes it marketable. Only if it’s polished, palatable, profitable. Being authentic isn’t free. It’s just another way of selling something you thought was yours. Even your individuality is a product to be sold, bought, and consumed.

And in the midst of it all, the question that lingers: Is this it? Is this the price we pay just to exist? To survive? To navigate a world that constantly demands, that constantly extracts from us, until we’re nothing but a collection of bills, obligations, and obligations to others’ expectations?

You look around, and it’s all the same—everyone’s caught in the grind, pushing forward, trying to make ends meet. Trying to make sense of it all. But nothing changes. The system is designed to make sure you never feel like you’ve “paid enough.” There’s always something more to owe. Always something more to give.

And yet, we keep paying. Every day. Every hour. Every minute.

Because that’s the price of being—of surviving. Of playing the game, even when the rules are rigged.

And then, you start to see it—how the system is built around this relentless cost. How it’s not just your life being monetized, but your very existence is tied to a cycle of extraction. The politicians who tell you they’re fighting for you, the ones who promise to lower taxes, to “fix” healthcare, to make things easier—they never mention that the price tag is still there, hanging above your head. Always hovering, always rising. They make it look like a choice, like you’re in control, like you can somehow navigate this labyrinth without losing more than you already have. But it’s all smoke and mirrors. They’re selling you the illusion of agency, while your choices are already being made for you.

And don’t even get me started on the ones who say, “If you work hard enough, you can make it.” It’s the same tired mantra, the same lie wrapped in a bow. Work hard, they say. But what they don’t tell you is that not everyone’s working with the same set of resources. Not everyone has the same starting point, the same access, the same safety net. The playing field was never level to begin with. The rich get tax breaks, loopholes, subsidies. The poor get fees, fines, debt. And in between? Well, you get more work. More hours. More stress. The cost of staying afloat is still rising, and they’re still telling you to just try harder.

The market decides everything. The job market, the healthcare market, the housing market. Your worth is tied to your job title, your salary, your credit score. And they’ll tell you that’s your fault if it doesn’t measure up. That’s your failure to navigate the system, your failure to pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Meanwhile, the ones at the top, the ones who play the game with their rules, they never feel the pinch. They live in the gated communities, the ones where the air is a little cleaner, the schools are a little better, the hospitals are a little closer, and the jobs come with benefits.

But you? You get stuck in the grind. Your taxes go up, your wages stay stagnant, and the world keeps asking more of you—more hours, more patience, more flexibility, more everything. They keep demanding you keep up, all while telling you that if you just did more—if you just found the right hustle, the right side gig, the right investment—you’ll make it. But it’s all rigged. The system is designed to leave you running in circles, all while the ones who make the rules keep getting richer. The cost of your labor, your time, your energy—it’s never truly yours. It’s just another cog in their machine, a machine built to extract, to profit, to grow.

And let’s not even talk about policies. Politicians who pretend to care about “the people” but are only looking for the right corporate sponsor, the right donation, the right endorsement. They pass laws that sound nice—“healthcare for all,” “living wages,” “social security reform”—but the fine print is always there, hidden behind the promises. The truth is, those laws aren’t designed to help you. They’re designed to keep the wheel spinning, to maintain the status quo. Because change would mean a hit to their profits, to their bottom line. And no one gets rich off of changing the system that keeps them rich.

Look at the environment. Look at the cities crumbling, the air thickening, the oceans rising. And still, the rich fly private jets, drill oil, buy beachfront property. It’s not their world that’s burning. It’s yours. Your children’s. Your neighbors'. And they’ll tell you it’s all your responsibility to fix it. Buy the electric car. Cut your emissions. Live sustainably. But when you ask the ones who have the power to change anything, they’ll tell you the problem is too big. It’s too complicated. We’re too late. So you’re left trying to save the world one small decision at a time, while they continue to profit off the destruction of it.

Everything is money. And the cost of living in this system isn’t just high—it’s deliberately designed to make sure you never have enough. It’s designed to keep you always paying, always striving, always struggling, while the people who write the rules keep getting richer. They’ve perfected the art of making you feel like you’re the problem. That if you’d just work harder, play smarter, save better, you could fix it. But that’s the illusion. The truth is, the system is stacked against you. It was never designed to help you win. It was designed to keep you paying—until you’re just too exhausted to fight back.

And so you keep going. You keep paying for your right to exist, for your right to live without the constant weight of debt, the constant grind of survival. But the truth is, it’s all a game. A game where you’re the pawn, and the rich, the powerful—they keep shifting the board, making sure you never have a chance to win.

And they’ll keep telling you that everything is possible, if you just try harder. Because that’s how they keep the system running. Keep you just close enough to the edge, to make you think there’s a way out, but never quite letting you go.

Everything is money. Everything costs money. You can try to ignore it, you can try to escape it, but it never lets you go. It wraps around every part of you, twisting tighter and tighter, until you’re not sure where you end and the system begins. And you start to realize—this isn’t just about the bills, the loans, the debts. It’s about everything. Your time, your energy, your labor, your thoughts, your dreams. All of it is priced out, listed on a ledger somewhere. Your worth is on that ledger. Your very existence is quantified, commodified, traded.

You’re told that money isn’t everything, that you’re more than your paycheck, more than your job, your possessions, your image. But you’re also told, over and over again, that you’re nothing without it. That without the right house, the right clothes, the right relationships, the right career, you’re invisible. You don’t matter. You’re not worth anything unless someone is willing to pay.

And so, you keep paying. Every hour you work, every decision you make, every move you take, you’re paying. You’re paying to survive. You’re paying to exist. You’re paying for your worth, your safety, your future, and your peace of mind. And all the while, the ones who hold the power, the ones who write the laws, the ones who build the systems—they’re getting richer, their lives getting easier, while you run on a treadmill, always striving, always chasing, always paying.

And still, you keep going. Because what else can you do? You’re stuck in a game you didn’t choose, a game where the rules are made by those who have the resources to shape them, and you’re left trying to survive the cost of just being here. And even when you fight back, when you try to tear down the walls, when you shout that this isn’t right—that it’s not fair, that it shouldn’t be like this—they just raise the price of everything. They make the cost of living, of surviving, even higher. They tell you to work harder, to hustle more, to save better, to do more, to be more, and somehow, none of it is ever enough.

You try to make it, you try to get ahead, you try to carve out a space where you can breathe without the constant weight of the world crushing down on you. But the truth is—there’s no such thing as enough. There’s no such thing as getting out. Not really. Because they control the game. They control the rules. And they’ve already decided how much you’re worth.

Even your dreams? They’re priced out. The things you’ve told yourself will make it all worth it—the vacations, the hobbies, the relationships, the adventures—they cost more than you have. They cost more than you can afford. And the more you dream, the more it feels like they’re pulling the rug out from under you, telling you, No, you can’t have this. You don’t deserve this. You see it in the people who have everything and still want more, and you see it in the people who have nothing, still giving everything.

Because at the end of the day, you’re not allowed to escape. You’re not allowed to step off this treadmill, not allowed to take a break, not allowed to breathe without paying for it. You can’t stop running, you can’t stop hustling, you can’t even stop wishing. Because if you do—if you stop—then you’ll see the truth. You’ll see the cost that’s been hidden all along. The cost of your worth. The cost of your time. The cost of your humanity.

And when you finally see it, when the weight of it all crushes down on you and you realize that you’ve spent your whole life paying for things you’ll never own, for a world that never really wanted you in the first place, you’re left with nothing. No way out. No way to undo the damage. No way to change the rules, because they’re already set. The game is rigged, and you’ve been playing it all your life.

And so you wonder—was it worth it? Was it ever worth it? Or was the cost of living, of surviving, of existing, just too high all along? And when everything you thought you owned, everything you thought you were, is stripped away—what’s left? Just a receipt. A long, painful list of everything you’ve paid for, and everything you never got.

The truth is, they knew it all along. The cost of it all was never meant to be paid. It was meant to break you.

And in that moment, when you realize the truth—that all along, you were just a pawn in someone else’s game, that the price you’ve been paying was never meant to be paid back—you feel it. The weight of it hits you, and it’s not just the crushing burden of the world. It’s the suffocating, bitter taste of betrayal. The knowledge that you were never meant to win. You weren’t even meant to survive without breaking.

You wonder how they managed to do it, how they made you believe you had a choice, how they tricked you into thinking that maybe, just maybe, if you kept paying—kept hustling, kept sacrificing, kept proving your worth—that you might finally get to breathe. But the cruel twist of it all is that you’ve already given everything you could. And you still aren’t enough. It was never about what you did or didn’t do. It was always about making you believe that if you just gave a little more, you’d get something in return. But now you know. There’s no “reward” at the end of this. There’s just more work, more sacrifice, more endless bills, more debt, more nothing.

And now, even the very idea of escape is out of reach. They’ve made sure of that. The cost of freedom? It’s always just a little too high. The cost of silence? Too steep. The cost of rest? Just one more thing that only the privileged can afford. You thought you could step away, find a space to breathe, to just exist without the suffocating weight of them breathing down your neck. But they made sure that no matter how far you run, the price is still there. And now, it’s not just the system that’s against you—it’s the deep, bitter realization that they always had the upper hand. That you were never meant to win this fight. Not really. Not in any meaningful way.

So you’re left here, at the edge, looking down at the wreckage of everything you thought you could build. Looking at the pieces of your life scattered in the wake of a system that took everything, and then laughed when you thought you’d won just a little bit of it back. And the worst part? You can’t even be angry. Because they’ve already turned your anger into another commodity. They’ve made sure that even your rage is for sale, is something to be bought and sold. And in the end, it’s not even about winning or losing anymore. It’s about surviving long enough to keep paying the price, to keep pretending that maybe you’ll get a moment to rest. A moment to breathe.

But you won’t. Because the cost of that is too high. It always was.

And when you look back at the years you spent paying, sacrificing, hustling, you realize—you didn’t even know what you were paying for. It wasn’t just your time. It wasn’t just your energy. It was your very soul.

And as you stand there, staring at the wreckage of everything you've given, it hits you: they never intended for you to win. They never wanted you to succeed, never wanted you to breathe easy. The game was never meant for you to play. It was never even yours. You were never meant to have anything. You were meant to work, to suffer, to bleed—while they sit back, counting the spoils of your misery.

And the sickening part? You knew this all along, somewhere deep inside. You knew it was a scam, that it was rigged, that every “opportunity” they handed you was just a leash with a little more slack. They gave you just enough hope to make you keep running, to make you think there was a way out, a way to escape the grind. But there was no escape. There never was.

You spent your whole life paying—paying for your worth, paying for your freedom, paying for your peace of mind—and now you look at the wreckage of everything you thought you could be, and you realize the brutal truth: it was never yours to keep. It was all a transaction. Your labor, your time, your life—every inch of it was priced out, parceled off, and sold before you even had a chance to see it for what it was. They took it all, and when you reached for the crumbs, they raised the price again. They kept raising it until you had nothing left to give.

And that’s the ultimate betrayal, isn’t it? That you spent all this time thinking you had something. Thinking that if you worked hard enough, if you did everything right, you’d finally have the right to exist without paying for it. But in the end, all you were ever doing was contributing to the pile. The pile they kept growing, while they whispered sweet lies about “opportunity” and “progress.” And now, you’re left with nothing but the shrapnel of a life that was never really yours to begin with.

The truth is, they knew all along. They knew they could break you. They knew they could squeeze every drop of hope, of energy, of spirit out of you, and you’d still keep coming back for more. Because that’s how it works. They make you believe you can escape. They make you believe there’s a way out. But every step you take forward is just another one closer to the edge of the cliff. And now you’re falling. You’ve been falling.

And when you hit the ground, you’ll realize—there was no cushion waiting for you. No soft landing. Just the cold, hard truth: the cost of your existence was always too high.

And in the end, you didn’t even own yourself.

You never did.

And the worst part? The truly sickening part, is that they don’t just do it to you. They do it to all of us. They’ve built this system of greed, of endless cost, on the backs of every single person who’s ever struggled to make it. They don’t care about your worth. They don’t care about your soul. They care about one thing: keeping the wheel turning. They care about making sure that you—and everyone else—are always paying. Always working. Always sacrificing for their profit.

It’s not just the rich getting richer. It’s the powerful pulling the strings from behind the curtain, making sure you and your neighbors stay divided, stay distracted, stay distraught. They sell you the lie that you’re the problem. That your time, your choices, your failures are your fault. That if you just worked harder, saved smarter, were better somehow, you could escape the trap they built just for you. And when that doesn’t work? When you break under the weight? They call it your failure, your personal responsibility. They call you weak, lazy, entitled. But they never tell you the truth. They never tell you how this whole thing was built on your exploitation. On your sweat, your labor, your fear, your blood.

They never tell you that the whole world is rigged for their benefit—and they’ve been telling you it’s just your fault for not getting ahead long enough that you start to believe it. They’ve been conditioning you to think that this is the way it’s supposed to be. That it’s normal. That your suffering, your struggle is just part of life. They’ve manipulated your very sense of self, made you feel that the pain you carry is yours to bear. But it’s not.

This isn’t life. This is modern-day slavery. The illusion of freedom, of choice, of a system that works for everyone, is a lie. They’ve taken the very essence of humanity—the belief in equality, in dignity, in fairness—and turned it into a transaction. They made sure that your value, your existence, is only worth what you can give them. And that’s the trap. That’s how they keep you in line. They’ve divided us all, convinced us that if we just worked harder, just followed the rules, just kept our heads down and played the game, we’d make it. And when we didn’t? They blamed us. They told us to do more, be better. But they’ve been playing us from the start.

They’ve stolen your future, your peace, your chance at something better—and they’ve made you pay for it every single day. They’ve made you so scared, so anxious, so consumed by the cost of living, that you never see the truth. That the system isn’t broken. It was designed this way. And they know it. They know it all along.

This is how they maintain control. This is how they stay on top. By making sure that the rich stay rich, the poor stay poor, and the rest of us keep clawing at each other for scraps. They’ve made us hate each other. Made us see each other as competition. Made us feel like it’s our fault if we’re left behind. They’ve divided us so thoroughly that we can’t even see we’re all in the same fight.

The fight isn’t against each other. The fight is against the system. The fight is against the powerful few who have sold us this lie that everything is about individual success, that your worth is yours to earn, to buy, to prove. But you were never meant to win. You were never meant to escape. You were meant to stay in the cycle, to keep paying. They want you to believe in the dream of freedom while they keep raising the cost.

It’s time to wake up. It’s time to stop believing the lie. We are all in this together, and the true enemy is the system that has made us believe we have to fight each other for scraps. The truth is—this isn't just about money. It’s about our lives, our dignity, our humanity. The price they’ve placed on our existence is too high. And it’s time to tear down the walls they’ve built between us. It’s time to take back what’s ours, to see that we are not just pieces in their game, but human beings who deserve more than this.

If we want real change, real freedom, we need to fight together, not against each other. We need to stop paying the price they’ve set, stop being the pawns in a game that was never ours to win. The cost of being human shouldn’t be this high.

But until we all see it, until we all realize how deeply this system has been twisted, we’ll just keep paying. We’ll keep paying for their luxury. For their power. And we’ll never know what it means to truly live.

- Oizys.

NaPoWriMo 2025 (April 6th): Cinnamon

From NaPoWriMo 2025: Today’s prompt (optional, as always) veers slightly away from our ekphrastic theme. To get started, pick a number between 1 and 10. Got your number? Okay! Now scroll down until you come to a chart. Find the row with your number. Then, write a poem describing the taste of the item in Column A, using the words that appear in that row in Column B and C. For bonus points, give your poem the title of the word that appears in Column A for your row, but don’t use that word in the poem itself.

(You can find the table in NaPoWriMo's post.)

Cinnamon

Wheeze.
it begins in the corners of memory,
where the sun once folded itself into
a brittle, golden ache.
Tongues curl like burnt paper —
heat not of flame
but the slow smirk of time.

Here:
revolutions start not with gunfire
but the hush after spice—
the tremble of a forbidden flavor
smeared across the mouths of the poor.

Wheeze.
says the child with fire in her belly.
Wheeze.
says the preacher drunk on justice.
Wheeze.
says the mural, half-banned but fully breathing
across a riot-worn wall.

Golden is not opulence—
it is defiance.
It is warmth forged from ash and aftermath,
a hunger that swells
even when the feast is gone.

Inhale it.
Burn your lungs with memory.
Sing in wheeze,
for the flavor of revolt
is never sweet,
but it lingers.

- Oizys.


Saturday, April 5, 2025

NaPoWriMo 2025 (April 5th): "with contempt for imported convertible sports cars" // "gradually becoming a disaster"

From NaPoWriMo 2025: Finally, today’s (optional) prompt is inspired by musical notation, and particularly those little italicized –and often Italian – instructions you’ll find over the staves in sheet music, like con allegro or andante. First, pick a notation from the first column below. Then, pick a musical genre from the second column. Finally, pick at least one word from the third column. Now write a poem that takes inspiration from your musical genre and notation, and uses the word or words you picked from the third column. [You can find the table of words & phrases in the post.]

"with contempt for imported convertible sports cars"

rumba – shadow

I, with contempt, turn away from you—
your polished leather seats and roaring engines.
I see no romance in the speed,
no freedom in your gloss and chrome,
just the hum of plastic pretension.
You, strutting like a peacock through the streets,
careless in your vintage pride,
cutting through the city like a butcher
slicing through bones.

But beneath the surface, there's something more—
a shadow, cast long and deep in the curves
of this dancing world.
A rumba of protest,
our feet do not tap to the rhythm of wealth,
but instead, to the sound of resistance,
to the pulse of streets untouched by vanity,
where the grass grows wild
and the world is not for sale.

The shadows we cast are real—
not as elegant as your polished toy,
but honest and stubborn,
swaying like the hips of ancestors
dancing through fire.

“gradually becoming a disaster”

yacht rock – hollyhocks

There’s a slow shift in the air,
like the tide creeping up on an idle boat—
no rush, just a pull,
silent but relentless.
A breeze that feels lighter
than it is,
carrying the scent of something sweet,
but the sweetness is fading
with each wave,
as if it was always meant to fade.

Hollyhocks bloom in the distance,
their petals turning too quickly,
colors softening into the background.
The world is moving,
but not fast enough
to notice how much of it slips through
without a sound.

We’re floating here,
but the hull beneath us cracks just enough
to let the water seep in,
quietly, with no ceremony.
It doesn’t shout—
it just keeps coming.
It is easy to pretend the leak isn’t there,
as easy as forgetting the voices
that begged us to listen
long before the cracks appeared.

This isn’t disaster,
not yet.
Just the slow, inevitable tilt of things,
like a boat drifting further
from where it once meant to be.
The song plays on,
smooth and steady,
but even the melody can’t ignore
how the edges blur
when the line between what is right
and what is accepted
becomes indistinct.

A soft hum in the distance,
the feel of a day that should last longer,
but it won’t.
It never does.
The wind picks up,
but it doesn’t seem to matter.

We’re drifting—
and it’s too easy
to let the drift take over,
too easy to float past
the moments that once demanded
we change course.

- Oizys.

Friday, April 4, 2025

NaPoWriMo 2025 (April 4th): Under the Gaze of Blue // The Portrait Above the Sink

From NaPoWriMo 2025: Today’s daily resource is the online exhibitions page of the International Folk Art Museum. I have a particular predilection for folk art, in which the strange and boisterous so often finds itself going hand-in-hand with practical objects of daily use. But the museum also showcases work of other sorts, like 100 Aspects of the Moon, a series of woodblock prints completed by the Japanese artist Taiso Yoshitoshi shortly before his death in 1892.

Last but not least, here’s today’s (optional) prompt. In her poem, “Living with a Painting,” Denise Levertov describes just that. And well, that’s a pretty universal experience, isn’t it? It’s the rare human structure – be it a bedroom, kitchen, dentist’s office, or classroom – that doesn’t have art on its walls, even if it’s only the photos on a calendar. Today, we’d like to challenge you to write your own poem about living with a piece of art.


[I wrote two poems.]

# Under the Gaze of Blue

Each morning,
I wake to the silent gaze
of the woman in the painting,
her eyes a deep, unfathomable blue,
like the sky just before dusk.

She does not speak,
yet her stillness fills the room,
whispers of untold stories
hanging in the quiet air.

I wonder what she knows—
does she ever tire of the frame that confines her?
Does she long for the brushstrokes of time,
the movement of a world beyond her borders?
Perhaps she is content,
anchored in this corner,
offering her gaze as a quiet companion
to the noise of my morning.

The light shifts,
and she changes with it—
now warm, now cool,
her face caught between shadows
and the stretch of the day.

I leave her each time I step out,
but when I return, she is always there,
waiting,
as if nothing has changed
except the passing of light,
the turning of hours,
and my own quiet passage through her world.

The Portrait Above the Sink

It’s a woman in a bonnet,
her eyes too soft to see the dishes,
but they do, somehow—
like ghosts in the mist of morning steam.
I don’t know who she is.
Maybe she’s the ghost
of all the lost mothers whose hands
never stopped scrubbing.
Maybe she’s the wind,
a hurricane that swept through her hair,
wild and uncut.
Maybe she’s me, in ten years,
looking at the faucet,
wondering how the water got so brown.

I live with her now,
her face a quiet hum behind my shoulder
while I dig for last night's spoon.
We’ve both seen the same kitchen
too many times—
her, locked in paint,
me, dragging my body
through the same repetitive motions
of pouring cereal,
scraping the pan,
scrubbing the counters
as though nothing changes,
but her eyes—
they always remind me
that something else might.

- Oizys.

Thursday, April 3, 2025

NaPoWriMo 2025 (April 3rd): Why I Am a Poet and Not a Park Ranger

From NaPoWriMo 2025: And now for our (optional) prompt. The American poet Frank O’Hara was an art critic and friend to numerous painters and poets In New York City in the 1950s and 60s. His poems feature a breezy, funny, conversational style. His poem “Why I Am Not a Painter” is pretty characteristic, with actual dialogue and a playfully offhand tone. Following O’Hara, today we challenge you to write a poem that obliquely explains why you are a poet and not some other kind of artist – or, if you think of yourself as more of a musician or painter (or school bus driver or scuba diver or expert on medieval Maltese banking) – explain why you are that and not something else!

Why I Am a Poet and Not a Park Ranger

I could’ve been a park ranger,
but I don’t like to wear hats
and the trees don't answer me when I talk to them.
I tried once, you know—
stood in front of a birch,
asked it how it was doing,
if it needed anything,
but it just stood there, rooted,
looking like it had a million years to think about things
and didn’t feel like sharing any of them with me.
So I became a poet.
I’m much better at listening to things
that don’t speak.

I could have been a sculptor—
but I don’t trust clay.
It’s too soft, like it knows it’s going to be something
but can’t quite decide what.
I tried to shape a face once—
ended up with a blob that looked like
a melted marshmallow on a bad day.
It sat there, glaring at me,
and I couldn’t decide if it was disappointed
or just indifferent.

I could’ve been a chef—
but the kitchen smells too much like work,
and I prefer when my ingredients are sentences,
not onions.
I once tried to make a cake,
but ended up with something more like a question
than dessert.
So I write—
I’m good with words,
better at letting them be messy and soft,
letting them rise without rules.

I could’ve been a librarian,
I do like rules about silence
and I really do like when the dust settles.
Books, though,
I could’ve worked in a bookshop.
Ah, books.
I think I was born in one.
Like the words just folded around me
and I came out blinking.
Books are my map,
my compass,
but in poetry—
the pages are still wet.
The ink spills,
and I get to say,
“See, this is how it feels to live inside a story.”
No dust, just the warmth of the next page.

So instead, I steal a bit of their rhythm
and make them talk back to me,
a poem is like a conversation,
except you don’t need to know how to cook
or use a Dewey decimal system.

I’m a poet because I’m in love with confusion,
with things half-said,
half-finished,
half-forgotten,
and because there’s no need to make them neat—
I can just scribble them out,
and maybe later—
they’ll look like something you can’t quite touch
but will never forget.

So, here I am,
writing about things that can’t be touched,
but need to be known.
A poem has no expiration date,
and you don’t need an oven or a telescope
to make it work.
All you need is a quiet place to sit
and a pen that doesn’t complain.
I can handle that.

- Oizys.

Wednesday, April 2, 2025

NaPoWriMo 2025 (April 2nd): To the Moon, I Guess

From NaPoWriMo 2025: And now for our daily prompt – optional, as always. Anne Carson is a Canadian poet and essayist known for her contemporary translations of Sappho and other ancient Greek writers. For example, consider this version of Sappho’s Fragment 58, to which Carson has added a modern song-title, enhancing the strange, time-defying quality of the translation. And just as many songs do, the poem directly addresses a person or group – in this case, the Muses. Taking Carson’s translation as an example, we challenge you to write a poem that directly addresses someone, and that includes a made-up word, an odd/unusual simile, a statement of “fact,” and something that seems out of place in time (like a Sonny & Cher song in a poem about a Greek myth).

To the Moon, I Guess

Moon, you are a glimmerous thing,
like a piece of silver that forgot it was
meant to be a coin,
tossed somewhere between two worlds,
shining and unsure,
the way I feel when I step outside
and see your face in the sky.
You, who were once a goddess in a toga,
now stuck in my playlist,
like “I Got You Babe” on a Sunday morning,
the kind of love song that gets played
while the world still sleeps.

I think you know this fact, Moon—
you have forgotten how to be human.
You don’t cry. You don’t blink.
You just hover there,
looking down at us like a mother
who no longer cares about the dishes,
but will always remind you
to wear a coat in the winter.

Tell me, Moon,
does it feel strange,
to be this old and still
so obsessed with light?
When you used to be fire,
now you’re just a reflected dream.
And yet, you glimmerous,
flickering like a lonely flame in a dark room,
still worthy of songs we don’t know how to forget.

- Oizys.

I Got You Babe, Sonny and Cher, Top of the Pops 1965

Tuesday, April 1, 2025

NaPoWriMo 2025 (April 1st): Legato with Tecpatl

From NaPoWriMo 2025: Here’s our optional prompt! As with pretty much any discipline, music and art have their own vocabulary. Today, we challenge you to take inspiration from this glossary of musical terms, or this glossary of art terminology, and write a poem that uses a new-to-you word. For (imaginary) extra credit, work in a phrase from, or a reference to, the Florentine Codex.

I decided to go with the word “legato,” a musical term meaning "smoothly" or "without breaks," often used to describe a style of playing. It fits well with the idea of flow and connection. Florentine Codex intrigued me. The Florentine Codex, compiled by the Franciscan friar Bernardino de Sahagún, contains rich descriptions of Aztec culture, religion, and daily life. Here is the Digital Florentine Codex if you want to dive in. One concept that stands out is "tecpatl," the word for a flint or stone knife, often used symbolically for sacrifice, both in a ritualistic and metaphorical sense. Here is a picture, if anyone is interested.

Legato with Tecpatl

The morning hums, a legato rhythm—
the soft, flowing pull of light
through the narrow slats of the blinds,
no interruption, no harshness,
just the slow weaving of daybreak
as though the sky were carved with a tecpatl—
cut with a blade that leaves no jagged edge,
a perfect line, smooth, purposeful.

I watch you,
your fingers tracing the rim of a cup,
the motion like the brush of a flint knife
against stone, carving space
in the quiet between us.

Outside, the wind is allegro,
sharp and sudden, but inside
the world moves with intention,
like the precise stroke of an artist,
each moment a curve drawn softly
as if to honor the sacredness of this day.
As if each breath, like the tecpatl,
was once a sacrifice
offered to the gods of time.

Perhaps we live like this—
smooth and careful,
the sharpness hidden beneath
the quiet rhythm of existence,
where every pause is a prayer
and every song a sacrifice
we don't yet know how to name.

- Oizys.

Monday, March 31, 2025

NaPoWriMo 2025 (31st March - Early Bird Prompt): Portrait of M.

From NaPoWriMo 2025: And now, here’s an early-bird prompt for those of you who want to write a poem, whether it’s April or not – and for those of you for whom it’s April already, even as poets in other places around the world are still in March.

Maybe one of the most common subjects in art is a portrait – a painting of one, singular person. Portrait poems are also very common. To get a sense of the breadth of style and form that these poems can take, take a look at Anni Liu’s prose poem, “Portrait Of,” John Yau’s, “Portrait,” and Karl Kirchwey’s “The Red Portrait.” Now try penning a portrait poem of your own. It can be a self-portrait, a portrait of someone well known to you, or even a poem inspired by an actual painted portrait. (If you’re looking for one to inspire you, why not check out the online collection of the Smithsonian National Portrait Gallery?)


Portrait of M.

She wears the world like a faded coat,
edges frayed from years of laughter,
but still, in the pockets, there’s warmth.
Her hands move like rivers—slow, sure,
the palm open to let secrets drift through.
Her eyes catch the light sideways,
like she’s not sure if she wants to be seen—
but when she does look, it’s all there,
a quiet honesty that makes the air feel safe.

Sometimes, she hums while peeling apples,
and I wonder how the sound of it
never quite escapes, lingers between us
like a memory we haven’t yet named.

- Oizys.

Saturday, March 22, 2025

Scream is my father tongue.

Scream is my father tongue,

a jagged thing, sharp as splinters,
rooted deep in the marrow of bloodlines
that are too loud to be silent.
It starts in the chest, reverberates in the throat—
no softening, no apology.
It is a language woven in fire,
a tongue of anger and pride,
of warmth and war,
too thick for my mouth to swallow whole.

I hear it in the rustle of my mother’s apron,
in the crackle of old radios where his voice is more than sound—
it is history, the echo of a man still trembling
in the space between words and silence.
I inherit the sharpness of it,
the unspoken weight it carries.

But what of my voice?
A river too shallow to carry the same depth.
What do I say when words feel
like stones, heavy with the past?
When his voice looms behind me,
my own too light to fill the air between us?

In the face of his storms,
I learn to speak in whispers—
quiet, careful, as if my words are fragile glass,
afraid to shatter against the roar of a history
that was never mine to tame.
It’s not rebellion, not yet.
It is distance,
a distance like a mountain between my tongue
and his.

But within me, there grows a need,
a hunger to find the language
that is uniquely mine,
not dictated by the past,
not bound to the weight of his rage or silence.
I search for a word that feels lighter,
that can glide like feathers across the skin,
that can breathe without carrying
the weight of a hundred years of wars,
of things never spoken aloud.

Some days, I feel the urge to break free—
to toss the old language aside like a garment too heavy,
too stifling.
Other days, I carry it,
wrap it tight around my chest,
like a blanket passed down from grandmother to mother to me,
uncomfortable yet familiar,
a shield in a world where my voice often feels too soft
to make a mark.

I carve my identity in fragments of language,
in words stolen from books,
in laughter shared with friends who understand
the complexity of this inheritance.
I do not discard it; I adapt it.
I twist it, bend it to fit the contours of who I am becoming,
a voice that knows when to rise
and when to rest,
a voice that is soft but not without strength.

I stand before him,
knowing that I will never be fully free
from the weight of his tongue—
but in that freedom, I find my voice.
It is my inheritance, my heritage.
Not in the scream,
but in the quiet courage to speak in a way
that belongs to no one but me.

My words are the bridge
between past and future,
silent yet singing,
a new tongue forming in the spaces
between his shout and my whisper.

- Oizys.

Thursday, March 20, 2025

IN CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER, WHO I HAVE BEEN

I was fascinated by this poem called IN CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER, WHAT I WANTED TO BE WHEN I GREW UP, and I was inspired by it. You know that kind of inspiration that leads you to create an identical piece of art in structure and thematics but replacing it with your own essence, but you end up just rewriting the same thing in your own handwriting? Well, thank god, I am typing. And I tried threading this light thread. Perhaps some warm-up for the upcoming Glo/NaPoWriMo 2025!

IN CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER, WHO I HAVE BEEN

Fearless / a pirate with a plastic sword / the kid who never lost at hide-and-seek / the best artist in second grade / a scientist mixing shampoo in the sink / the hero of every bedtime story / a magician who still believed in magic / quiet / the girl who never raised her hand but always knew the answer / the one who wrote letters she never sent / a poet before she knew the word for it / the best friend, but never the favorite / the one who tried to make people laugh / the one who made herself disappear / an echo of someone else’s expectations / an unfinished sentence / the voice in the background of someone else’s song / a missed call at midnight / someone who leaves first so she’s never left behind / the girl at the train station, waiting for something unnamed / the passenger seat of too many cars / the apology that never came / the playlist no one listens to anymore / a wishbone waiting to break / the feeling of déjà vu in a city she has never been to / the one who always comes back / the story still being written / a dreamer, still / a lighthouse without a shore / a punchline without a joke / the taste of metal in a mouth full of words / a storm warning no one took seriously / the unavailable extra chair at the dinner table / the sound of footsteps behind you that aren’t really there / a burning house and the last person inside / an open tab with no intention to pay / the ghost in someone else’s memory / the first sip of coffee at 2 a.m. / the aftermath of something that could've been beautiful / the echo after the door slams / the person you think about but not enough to give a call / a dream you wake up from too soon / a body that belongs to everyone but herself / a firework that never went off / a secret she never meant to keep / a name said like a question / the message typed but never sent / the first to say sorry even when it wasn’t her fault / a Sunday afternoon that feels like mourning / the laugh that covers up the silence / the girl who was always just a little too much or never quite enough / the voice shaking but speaking anyway / a collection of almosts and what-ifs / the loose thread in the sweater someone keeps pulling / the ghost of every version of herself she promised she’d be / the bridge between who she was and who she is / the sound of footsteps walking away, and this time, it's hers

Tuesday, March 18, 2025

Insomnia Lamentation

The human body is a machine that won’t power down. I close my eyes, but I cannot sleep. Overthinking knots my thoughts into a noose—each loop a whisper of something I should have done, something I should have said. My chest feels heavy, my lower back aches, and it feels like something is stuck in my throat—grief, maybe, or just the weight of being awake too long.

I take a deep breath. Again. Again. But still, I can’t fall asleep.

In this sleepless night, I echo the ancient laments, my soul a desolate city, walls crumbled under the weight of unspoken sorrows. The book of lamentations is what I sought in the library of night.

In the solitude of night, melancholy wraps around me, a familiar shroud. I search for things to help me sleep, but my mind is a labyrinth of introspection and contemplation. Misery has characters, and I play them all: burned out, waking up with headaches every morning, falling asleep after eating, only to wake up choking on ghosts. My pain has a library, a scripture of suffering—seven hidden emanations, the hidden parchment of my soul, the chronicles of mystery.

I ask the search bar what the ending of Lost means, as if understanding fiction will help me go forward. As if knowing who the Roman goddess of love is will teach me how to love myself.

I miss the misery, Halestorm screams through my headphones. Nazareth hums somewhere in the dark. I think of Elliott Smith, and I am sad. But no pain, I whisper. No pain.

The weight of my body sinks into the mattress, the ache in my back humming like a hymn. I dream of Oizys, the Greek goddess of misery, her hands pressing my chest like an absolution. She does not take the sadness away, but she holds it, gently.

In this reverie, I find solace. Vulnerability becomes my strength, and catharsis washes over me. The angst and apathy dissolve, replaced by a yearning for serenity.

And in the quiet, I sleep.

- Oizys.

[Johannes Brahms - Op.49 No.4 Wiegenlied / Lullaby (original composition)]

Saturday, March 15, 2025

Somewhere Between "Perfect Victim" and "Perfect Survivor"

I grew up in an environment where victimhood was a narrative that was not only recognized but emphasized. I was always told I wasn’t the victim—they were. Those around me wore their pain like badges, their suffering almost serving as proof of their existence, while I was encouraged to suppress mine, to push past it. I was taught that to be a victim was to be weak, to be incomplete. The word ‘survivor’ didn’t come into my world until much later, and when it did, it felt like a foreign label being shoved down my throat. It was politically correct, they said. It was stronger, better, the story you should tell the world—because survival, after all, is something we celebrate. But the word felt almost as constricting as ‘victim,’ as though it demanded a neatness, an end to the struggle. Yet, I was neither of these things—I wasn’t simply a victim of what happened to me, nor was I some perfect survivor whose wounds had been neatly tied up in a bow. The reality was far messier, a place where I had to unlearn the labels I’d been given, and find a language for my journey that felt truer to who I was becoming in the process.

There’s a place between perfect victim and perfect survivor—a grey area where identity is not so easily defined, and healing doesn’t follow a straight line.

You see, the perfect victim is the one whose pain is visible to everyone. The one whose suffering is clear, whose hurt is almost celebrated in its purity, because it fits into a narrative people can understand. It’s a story with a beginning, a middle, and a clear point of trauma—something you can hold, something you can point to and say, “This is where I broke.”

But what happens when you’re not just broken, but fragmented? What happens when the story isn’t that simple? The perfect victim is an image of raw, unhealed pain, and yet, some days, we crave to be seen through that lens—to be recognized in the depth of our wounds. There’s comfort in being understood, in being pitied or given space to grieve. It’s a place where you can simply exist in the aftermath, unburdened by expectation.

Then, there’s the perfect survivor. The one who has transcended, who wears the badge of resilience like armor. They’ve risen from the ashes, carried their scars with pride, and stand tall with an unshakable strength. The perfect survivor is admired, even revered, for their triumph over adversity, their ability to stand firm despite what they’ve been through. But even the survivor’s strength comes with its own kind of pressure. There’s an expectation of unrelenting perseverance, a belief that to survive is to be without fragility, without moments of doubt. But survival, real survival, is not a perfect thing. It is messy, it is uneven, and sometimes it feels like you're fighting against yourself more than the world.

And somewhere between those extremes, there’s the real story—the one that doesn't fit neatly into either box. It's the space where your wounds haven’t fully healed, but they’ve also started to form new contours. You’re still grieving, still healing, still broken, but you’re learning how to move forward with those broken pieces. You’re not the perfect victim, but you’re not yet the perfect survivor either. You’re somewhere in the middle, in the messy, uncomfortable, beautiful space of being both. And maybe, just maybe, that place is where true healing lies. There’s an odd sort of pressure when you exist between those extremes, isn’t there? It’s like being caught in the gravitational pull of two forces that constantly pull you in different directions, and you’re left suspended, not quite fitting into either. The world loves labels—victim and survivor—because they’re easy to digest. You can box someone in, define their entire experience with one word, and move on. But what about the middle ground, the in-between space where you aren’t fully one or the other? This space isn’t often talked about. It’s messy, uncomfortable, and real in a way that both perfect victimhood and perfect survival can’t quite capture. The middle is the raw, untold part of the story—the one where healing doesn’t mean perfection and survival doesn’t mean strength all the time. It's where you’re allowed to falter, allowed to fall apart, allowed to not have all the answers. In this space, you can feel the weight of your past pressing against your future, both pulling you in different directions. The trauma hasn’t entirely faded; it’s still there, like an invisible scar, sometimes deep and sometimes just a faint reminder. But that doesn’t mean you’re stuck in it. It just means you’re still living with it, navigating your way through the world with a complicated mix of wisdom and vulnerability. Sometimes you feel strong, other times weak. Sometimes you feel like you've come so far, and other times you feel like you're right back where you started.

There’s a fundamental tension in this space, isn't there? The space between "perfect victim" and "perfect survivor" is where the real conflict lies—the kind that doesn’t just affect how the world sees you, but how you see yourself. It’s where trauma isn’t just a momentary event; it’s something that reconfigures your entire sense of self, your identity. It’s where you carry the weight of everything that’s happened to you, but it’s not just about the trauma—it’s about who you are becoming in the wake of it. In this space, there’s a sense of unfinishedness—not in a bad way, but in a way that says, “I am still in process. I am still discovering the pieces of me I didn't know existed.” It's the place where every story of survival feels like it's only half-told. It’s the quietest paradox of all: you’ve survived, but not without deep scars, and yet, you’re not a perfect survivor because you're still carrying those scars. They're still part of you, and maybe they always will be. The idea that healing is some neat package of triumph over adversity is something the world tells us. But the truth is, healing doesn’t look like anything. It’s messy. It’s intangible. It’s both explosive and quiet. When you're in this in-between space, there’s a profound sense of reclamation that starts to surface. But that reclamation doesn’t necessarily feel like strength at first. It feels like vulnerability, like uncovering layers of yourself you were never ready to see. And that’s where the tension lives. You’re still holding on to a part of the "victim" you once were—the part that needs validation, the part that wants someone to acknowledge how deeply you’ve been hurt. You’re not ready to just let that go, because it’s your history. It’s your truth. And there’s no way to pretend it didn’t happen, no way to shut it down into a neat story of survival.

Because healing isn’t linear. It doesn’t look like a clear path from victimhood to survival—it’s a winding road with setbacks and progress in equal measure. It’s about accepting the complexity of who you are in all your contradictions: the parts of you that are still hurting, the parts of you that are still growing, and the parts of you that are already stronger than you think. Healing doesn’t happen in one great moment. It’s a process, a slow unfolding of layers that you didn’t even know were there. And those layers aren’t all neat or pretty. Some of them are jagged, some of them make you angry, and some of them make you laugh at how absurd life can feel. The journey is nonlinear. Some days you’ll feel like you’re climbing a mountain, only to wake up the next day feeling like you're buried under a pile of rubble. In this space between victim and survivor, you’re allowed to be a contradiction. You’re allowed to be strong and weak in the same breath, to carry both pain and joy without feeling like you have to choose. You don’t have to have it all figured out, and that’s where the magic happens—when you let go of the need to fit perfectly into a box, when you embrace the mess of who you are and who you’re becoming. You are the product of every experience, every moment, and every decision. And none of those moments exist in isolation. They all blend together, shaping you in ways that can’t be boiled down into something simple or neatly packaged.

- Oizys.

Friday, March 14, 2025

Mother-Daughter Dance

12/03/2025

It has been a handful of days. It seems like I am falling into the pattern of my old habits. Bad habits. Destructive habits. But with something different. There is a whole lot of thinking. Not just ruminatory thinking. But, contemplation. Planning. Actionable thinking. And, as usual, I am scared. Because, whatever has happened has changed something within me. It has broken me in a manner I have to restructurize myself. I don't know where to begin. It has been so painful today. I have medicated all a lot of my distinct pain with three different medications that put me to sleep for 6 hours but my gut is still in a twist. The panic attack has not seen a full stop. It keeps springing. Like it is in a marathon. Sometimes, it jumps and sometimes just crawls. It has been going on since yesterday. It is too much. I can't ignore but accept the fact that the worse might be yet to come. The fact is when your roots are rotten, how much can you heal above the ground? The screams I screamed that evening, is still vibrating within me. Like a echo that refuses to fade. The sound of my voice, raw and filled with desperation, lingers in the air of my mind like an endless reverberation. It’s as if the night itself has absorbed my agony, and with each passing second, it presses deeper into the corners of my thoughts, echoing over and over again. No matter how far I run, those screams follow me, pulling me back to that place. It’s a sensation I can’t escape, a haunting that refuses to release its grip on me. And, I don't know how to stop it. It has taken over my body now. I would wish to alter every thing but I cannot afford that level of delusion right now. The weight of it presses down, suffocating me with every breath I take. My mind is a battlefield, torn between the desire to escape and the realization that no matter how much I wish for things to change, the reality is far too unyielding. I can’t outrun it. I can’t silence it. And yet, I’m stuck—stuck in this web of overwhelming emotion and endless turmoil. To pretend it’s not there, to try and ignore it, feels like a betrayal of myself. But facing it head-on seems impossible. How does one fight something that’s already taken root so deeply inside? I wish I could wake up from this nightmare, but the truth is, I don't even know where the dream ends and the nightmare begins anymore.

And, I wish, us, mother and daughters could escape it but we are stuck in the eternal loop of being one entity revolving around him and trying hard to establish our own individualities leading to conflicts between us. It's as if we are tied together by some invisible thread, tangled in a web of shared pain, yet each of us trying so desperately to break free. The three of us, mother and daughters, caught in this eternal struggle for space, for identity, for something that’s our own, yet always tethered to him. Each of us pulls in a different direction, but the force of his presence keeps us bound together, no matter how far we try to go. It’s like we are all orbiting around him, struggling to break free from the gravity that keeps pulling us back. But every time one of us tries to step away, it feels like we are being yanked back into the same pattern—this cycle of expectation, of sacrifice, of needing to fit into roles that never truly belonged to us. I can feel the weight of the tension between us. The constant push and pull. It’s suffocating. We love each other, but sometimes, love is not enough to break free from the chains that bind us. The fights, the misunderstandings, the silent resentment—it all stems from the same root: a shared history that we can't escape and can't seem to rewrite. And so we continue, trapped in this loop, each of us yearning for independence but finding only conflict instead.

It, I think, starts with my mother. Mother, before she becomes a mother, is first turned into an extension of the father. Extension of a man. Not a woman anymore. Just an agent of man. And, when she is made to borne daughters, the daughters inherit that same fate, the same pattern. We are born into a world where our existence is shaped by what others see us as—extensions of him, reflections of what he needs, what he wants. It’s like our identities are already written before we even take our first breath. And my mother, who once was her own person, now exists as a mere agent of his desires, his expectations, a vessel for his continuation. She doesn’t know where her own needs and desires end, because they’ve been swallowed by the role she’s been forced to play. The role of mother, of caretaker, of sacrifice. But underneath it all, I can sense her lost pieces, the parts of her that used to be full of life, of rebellion, of dreams that didn’t fit into the mold of “wife” and “mother.” I wonder, was she ever allowed to simply be herself, or was she always just the extension of him, as if she was never allowed to exist beyond his shadow? And then, the daughters. We come into this world knowing no other way but to carry the same burden, to be raised in the image of what he needs. We're taught to be extensions of him too, not allowed the space to form ourselves, to find our own voices, to stand as individuals. Our identity is given to us by default, and the struggle is already there from the start—the quiet understanding that we are not meant to be whole, but pieces of something else. Each generation becomes a little more fractured, a little more lost, as we try to carve out what’s ours amidst the pressures, the expectations, and the roles that are thrust upon us. And with each passing day, I wonder if my daughters will feel the same weight, or if they’ll find a way to break free from the cycle we’ve been trapped in for so long.

And, if the daughters harbour thoughts of freedom, the mother's heart splits into two. She is both secretly happy and covertly angry. Yes, because the desire for freedom in her daughters is a mirror, a reflection of what was once denied to her. On one hand, she feels a flicker of joy, a quiet pride, because part of her—deep down—wants them to break free, to live lives that aren’t tethered by the same chains that bound her. She sees their potential, their strength, their ability to dream beyond the roles she was forced to play, and for a fleeting moment, it feels like a redemption. Like, through them, maybe she can live out the freedom she never had. But then, there's the anger, the bitterness that rises like bile in her throat. Because in her daughters' yearning for freedom, she sees what she was never allowed to have. She sees what she gave up, what was stolen from her. There’s the deep, unspoken ache—the guilt that she didn’t fight harder for herself, and the resentment that she was forced to sacrifice so much, just to survive, just to fulfill her duty as a mother and a wife. And then the truth settles in: as much as she loves her daughters, as much as she wishes for them to soar, it is terrifying. Terrifying because it brings up her own regrets, her own feeling of being trapped in a life she never truly chose. Seeing them chase freedom is like confronting the life she could have had, but never will. And so, she feels torn—both proud and resentful, both loving and bitter. The complexity of it all weighs on her, and it spills into the way she reacts. The contradictions of her emotions play out in the smallest of moments—her advice, her silence, her expectations, and the way she can never fully let go. Her heart is split in two, forever caught between wanting more for them and being afraid of what their freedom will mean for her.

Then, the daughters have to fight the battle of whether to set themselves free or stitch their mother's hearts. And so, the daughters stand at a crossroads, torn between the desire for their own lives, their own paths, and the weight of the unspoken burden to protect their mothers from the pain their freedom might cause. The battle is silent, but it's constant—a war fought in the heart, in the quiet moments when they look at their mothers and see the cracks, the quiet sorrow, the sacrifices that have shaped her into who she is. How can they walk away from that? How can they break free without leaving her behind, without shattering what little is left of her? They know that every step they take toward their own lives feels like another cut to her heart. And yet, to stay bound to her—to live the life she lived, to carry on the cycle—feels like a betrayal of everything they could be. It is a cruel paradox. To love her is to feel the pull to keep her whole, to stitch her heart back together with the threads of their own dreams, even if those dreams are fragments of what they could have been. But to set themselves free is to risk tearing that fragile bond even further, to risk the pain of separation that could break them both. They are caught between wanting to honor her, to make her proud, and the knowledge that, in the end, they can never truly be free until they break away from the expectations she never got to escape herself. In the quiet of their own minds, they wonder: Is it possible to break the cycle without breaking her? Can they be whole without causing her to unravel? The cost of freedom feels so high. And yet, the cost of staying the same, of stifling their own desires, their own selves, is even higher. The question remains—can they find a way to heal her wounds, to stitch her heart, while still setting themselves free? Or will the very act of their liberation be the thing that drives the final wedge between them?

14/03/2025

It is the story of every mother and her daughters. They exist as roots entangled in a barren soil, each one yearning to stretch upward, to reach for the sun, but held back by the weight of the earth beneath them. The mother, weathered and worn, is the deep root—the one that has been buried for so long, its once-strong branches now twisted and bent, struggling to grow free. She tries to guide her daughters, offering them the nutrients of love, but her own roots are so tightly bound to the darkness of the past that they cannot escape, and neither can her daughters. The daughters are the fragile shoots, pushing through the soil, eager to reach the light, but with every inch they rise, the roots above them constrict, pulling them back, dragging them into the earth’s suffocating embrace. They are desperate to bloom, to become something more than what they were born into, yet the mother's shadow looms large, and the weight of her silent sacrifices presses down on them like an unyielding stone. They exist as thorns in a vine, each trying to pierce through the pain of the past, but unable to break free of the vine that holds them together, each one cutting into the other as they try to escape. The deeper they struggle, the more the blood of their shared history stains their hands, yet the vine keeps pulling them back, forcing them to remain entwined, even as their hearts scream to be free.

I fantasize for a happy ending. But, we all know how this curtain falls—slowly, quietly, as the weight of untold stories sinks in. The dreams of freedom, once bright and vivid, fade into the haze of compromise, of quiet resignation. The mother's hands, once full of hope, become trembling, fragile from years of holding on to what could never truly be hers. The daughters, too, become shadows of what they could have been, their wings clipped by the invisible ties that bind them to a past they cannot escape. The curtain falls not with the final note of a triumphant song, but with a sigh—a breath held for too long, now escaping in a rush. The space between them, once filled with possibilities, now sits heavy with unspoken words, with the ache of love that could never be fully realized. They are all still standing, still bound to each other in the dance they never asked for, playing their parts, but never fully free. The curtain falls, and with it, the hope that someday, the weight of the past will lift, that someday they will find their way out of the darkness, only to discover that perhaps, this is all they can ever be. And, in the silence that follows, a quiet truth lingers—sometimes, survival is the only way paved for us. Even when it feels like the ending was never quite what you imagined.

Here I am again. Counting the tablets in my hand. The pain is back. Because, the panic is coursing through my veins. The body is throttling with all the bottled up screams. I am unable to contain it. Tired to having my panic attacks on mute under a thin blanket. Squeezing out the screams from the eyes to not wake up anyone. To not be an inconvenience. I have ended up with a soul that is chock-full of headaches. And, a throat that feels like it’s constantly on the verge of choking—tight, constricted, as if every word I’ve never said is stuck there, unwilling to escape. It burns, the weight of unspoken things, and I can’t find the relief. My mind is foggy, tangled in a mess of thoughts that race, but never reach clarity. Every inch of me feels like it’s on the edge, always fighting to stay composed, yet constantly being pulled apart from the inside.

- Oizys.

Saturday, March 8, 2025

Faultlines of Writlurk

She wakes from the dirt,
claws at the bones of this rotting empire.
No soft hands here.
These hands,
they pry the sky open like a mouth, make it spit its secrets.
and count the threads of broken promises.
And, the truth that lies buried
Beneath the pavement, forgotten, rotting.
On your streets that are your mouths that swallow hope whole
The world spins around her like a butcher's wheel—
but she doesn't look away.
Doesn’t blink.
You tell her to smile,
but she shreds that too,
a map to nowhere in her teeth,
a galaxy of blood.
You call it history—
but it's just the dust in her throat
and the light that flickers when she breathes.
Don't ask her to dance with you.
The floor is on fire and her boots are made of revolution.
She does not bow,
she stands
and the earth cracks beneath her.
You see her?
Good.
But your eyes—
they are not enough.
The moon?
Her reflection,
a mirror to the fractured silence she shouts from.
Watch her rise.
You can't drown what was never meant to stay under.
The cage rattles.
She sings,
and you call it: chaos!
It’s not chaos.
It’s creation.
You hear her?
No?
Good, you’re not supposed to.
She speaks in tongues you can’t translate.
She doesn’t need your translation.
You tell her to be quiet,
but her silence?
It’s an inflicted weapon.
You’re afraid of what you cannot hear.
She spits into the sun,
and it flinches.
A flicker of light trying to burn her back
but she wears shadows like a second skin.
You thought she’d fade,
but she tastes the sky and it’s sour,
a memory of men who thought they owned it.
The sky is now a bruise, bloated and waiting to burst.
Her mouth is a graveyard,
her teeth, shards of forgotten gods,
and when she smiles,
it’s not for you.
It’s for the wind that hums like a hungry ghost
sweeping through the ruins of what they thought they built.
You called it civilization
she calls it a coffin with a velvet lining.
She turns it inside out and wears it like a cape.
Who needs wings when you’ve got roots
that drag the earth with them?
She bleeds ink and fire,
writes in the veins of her mother,
her grandmother,
her great-grandmother,
and each word is a knife that slices through time,
through your idea of time,
through your neat little boxes.
She gnaws on the neck of silence
and swallows the dark whole.
You told her to speak sweetly,
so she carved a tongue from razor blades
and let it taste the salt of their tears.
She wears the pulse of a thousand broken promises
and hums through the ruins of your comfort.
Her breath is made of glass shards
and razor blades dipped in the blood of gods you’ve forgotten.
She doesn't ask for your forgiveness
because she knows better—
you don’t have the hands for it.
She doesn’t make sense.
She never will.
And that’s the part that cuts you the deepest—
she refuses to be understood.
You want her to fit in your neat little boxes,
to wear the labels you’ve stitched into the seams of your own rage.
But she is the thunder
before your storm
and the one that eats your sky.
You don’t see her—
not really.
You never have.
You only see the idea of her,
and the idea of her burns you.
She is not your idea.
She is the nightmare you wake up screaming to,
the one you wish would leave,
but she is already in the walls.
So scream,
scream all you want.
She isn’t listening.
She doesn’t need to.
She is not the one who’s been silent.
You have been.
She is the scar on the horizon where the sun should have risen,
a thousand forgotten cries stitched into her skin like tattoos of violence,
each one a story you never bothered to hear.
Her body—
a map of erasure,
the imprints of every hand that reached
and tore,
twisted,
pulled,
and never let go.
She is the hollow echo
of what was stolen,
the thing you covered with sweet words
while her blood watered the roots of this world.
They called it conquest,
but it was theft.

Every inch of her was mined,
plundered in the name of something holy—
a religion that didn’t see her,
a god that never whispered her name.
Her hands were shackled with the promises of progress,
her mouth gagged with the silence of centuries.
Still, she spoke,
but her voice was a thunder you couldn’t understand,
a crack in the sky where the storms of history rained down.
You marked her,
branded her like cattle,
and called it civilization.
But her scars?
They are pins,
stars on boards etched in blood
that trace the journey of every woman
who was never allowed to breathe without submission.
She is the soil turned to ash
beneath the boots of your armies,
the crushed hands of those who built your temples
and never saw the light.
Her pain was the oil you burned
to light your mansions,
and you drank from the well
of her tears without ever seeing her thirst.
She is the stone you tried to carve
into something you could own,
and when you failed,
you burned her body
and called it the funeral pyre of progress.
You think you erased her.
But her name is the soil you stand on,
the air you breathe,
the pulse you ignore in your chest.
She is the dark beneath the skin of your city,
the rust in the gears of your machines,
the echo that shatters your glass towers
and makes your foundation tremble.
She is the truth you bury in your backyard
while you laugh at your own reflection.
Her revolution doesn’t need a flag.
Her revolution doesn’t need a name.
Her revolution is in the cracks,
the fractures where you never looked,
the silence that grows louder the more you ignore it.
She will rise,
but not from the ashes you think you’ve left behind.
She rises from the things you refuse to see,
from the hands that were never allowed to touch
and the mouths that were forced to swallow their own rage.
And when she opens her eyes,
they will burn brighter than the lies
you built your empire on.
Those lies of yours that hang in the air like smoke,
choking the breath out of the world.
The air smells like burnt paper and broken promises.
She is already here,
and you will never stop her.
She is the skin scraped raw by the weight of forgotten years,
the quiet ache beneath every cry
that was never acknowledged.
She is the broken foundation of your “progress,”
the cracks you erased to keep your structure upright.
Progress by roads that are paved with her stolen teeth.
Her breath is made of all the lost moments,
and when she inhales,
the world shudders in regret.
But you never see her—
you only see the shadow of your own reflection
dancing in the chaos.
You thought she was a whisper.
But her whisper is the sound of walls cracking
under the weight of your good intentions.
Every word she spoke was another bruise
you inflicted in the name of change.
Her body is not your project,
it was never meant to be your territory.
You used her with your systems,
pulled her apart with your rules,
stole the fire from her eyes
and made her bow to your vision.
The laws of your sovereign are chains,
forged in silence, rattling with every step she takes.
You stole from her with your ideals,
and made her work for the dreams of others
who never bothered to ask.
You planted your flag in her soil
and watched her bend
while you stood back and called it progress.
Your progress is nothing but a slow rot,
eating through the skin of the earth.
She is the girl you buried under piles of indifference,
the one you swore to forget,
the one you buried without her story.
But herstory was never meant to be erased.
It is the cry that will break your walls
and turn your structures to dust.
She is the cracks in your perfect image,
the fracture in your narrative,
the one you tried to suppress
and thought you could silence
with every promise you never kept.
She doesn’t need your forgiveness,
she doesn’t need your pity.
She’s already swallowed your excuses
and spit out your blame.
She wears the skin of every woman
who was told to shrink,
to stay still,
to fall into line,
to stay quiet under your gaze.
But her skin is not fragile anymore
it is the shield made from every setback,
every slap,
every taunt,
every prejudice,
it's thick with rage
you thought would break her,
the shield that turns every hurt
into something stronger.
You tried to bury her with your silence,
but she is the echo that rattles your walls.
She is the cry that follows you in your sleep
and tugs at your breath.
You thought you quieted her,
but every lock you put on her voice
only made her words bolder,
like a warning you couldn’t ignore.
Her fire is the storm you never anticipated,
the wave you never prepared for,
the light that will expose everything you’ve hidden.
She will not be the calm after the storm—
she will the storm now.
She will become the spark that lights the match
and burns away the things you thought would last,
you proudly built on her backs,
your property.
your world.
You cannot control her,
you cannot erase her,
you cannot make her forget.
She is the truth coded deep
in the fabric of your structure,
and when she decrypts,
it won’t be with your permission,
it won’t be with your consent.
It will be with the power
of every person
who has ever been held back,
ever been forgotten,
ever been silenced
and told to be still.
But she will not be still.
She will never be still again.
Her rage is not a roar—
it is the flicker of a dying candle
just before the flame gives out.
It is the last breath you take
before the tide pulls you under
and you realize
she was never drowning.
She was always the water.

- Oizys.

Some thoughts: Okay, happy International Women's Day. Things are still bad, in a simmering stage after a lava explosion. It might get worse, who knows... At home, I am talking about. Of course. I kept thinking about writing something, a poem maybe, for today. But, I was unable to track down a theme, a particular focal point to nail it. So, I went on with the wonky flow of my mind. And, this is it. My goal is the journey of fight. And, I am merely picking this day up to depict it. Throughout this journey, every fighter's battle is to impart the truth, the absolute truth that the way human life instils autonomy in you as a form of dignity in civilized society, the same way, that same human life instils that same level of autonomy in her as a form of dignity in civilized society. And, the struggle is of some people unable to swallow this pill. We have the date marked, celebrations organized but is your mindset aligned? That would be the question to ponder. When you ponder, you'll realize that if it has already aligned there would've been no need of marking such dates, celebrating such days. Since it is not, people glorify it to reach audience, seek people's support. Make it pink and pulpy and shiny. The gore is yet to touch you because you sit your rosy bubble of life. Such is the inequality in life.

Friday, March 7, 2025

Burning Eyes, Retch, That Itch in the Middle of Left Foot and Another Pitch of Melancholy

Burning eyes. The kind of sting that comes from too much screen time or a sleepless night, but this feels different. Like a fire in my mind, a heat that won’t burn out. It’s strange how everything else around me feels blurry, but this discomfort is sharp—always there. I close my eyes for relief, but there’s no escaping the irritation. Every blink makes it worse. And then there's that damn itch—right in the middle of my left foot. Always dormant but acts up during the weirdest of times. I’ve scratched at it so much now, it’s more a dull ache than anything else. It’s maddening, that feeling of something crawling under the skin, but there’s nothing to see, nothing to touch. Just that sensation, gnawing at me. I can’t even get comfortable. Even the most innocent movements trigger it. Ah, the retch—that feeling. You know, the one that rises up in your throat, uninvited, like a wave that threatens to spill over but never quite does. It’s almost like a reflex to everything that’s going on in my body. The burning, the itch, and now this—just the body’s way of saying enough. The sensation comes and goes, like it’s trying to get me to choke on whatever's bothering me, but there's nothing really there to spit out. Just the discomfort lingering in the back of my throat. Somehow, as if my body is conspiring against me, my mind spirals, too. That pitch of melancholy, sudden and deep. It’s like a shadow that falls without warning. I was fine, or at least thought I was. But now everything feels weighed down by a sadness I can’t put a name to. It’s not the kind of sadness that comes with loss, but more like a low hum beneath everything—quiet, steady, and relentless. It’s all a bit too much today—eyes burning, the endless itch, and this deep-seated melancholy that creeps in and makes everything feel heavy. It’s a subtle kind of torture, a reminder that something’s off, but it's never clear what. A mental overload, maybe? A signal my body is sending, telling me that something’s wrong and I just can’t quite catch it. It’s like the body’s language for all that’s unsaid. And today, it's speaking loud. Maybe tomorrow will be different. Maybe not.

There were days where my need to leave, need to escape was fantastical. But now, it has changed. Something has changed. The tone, the edge of the feeling to escape has now become a need. Almost, psychological. It’s wild how that shift happens, isn’t it? How the once-distant fantasy of running away, of escaping, becomes something more urgent, more visceral. It starts off as a daydream—this place or that place, a different life, a different story. You picture it in flashes, in fragments, almost like it could be a movie reel of “what ifs,” something you could step into if the moment ever arrived. But now? Now, it feels like a pull, a weight in your chest. The kind of thing that claws at you in the quiet moments. The kind of feeling that goes beyond the romanticized escape and becomes an almost necessary impulse. It’s not about the fantasy anymore, it’s about survival. It's like the walls are closing in, the world’s edges are pressing too hard, and the only way to breathe again is to leave—physically, mentally, emotionally. It’s not just the thought of leaving; it’s the need to escape from the inside. The noise, the pressures, the routines, the same everything, all of it becomes too much to bear, and there’s only one way to get relief. Maybe it’s not even a place you want to go, just anywhere that’s not here. What changed? Maybe the fantasy turned real, or maybe you’ve reached the point where the discomfort of staying outweighs the fear of the unknown. Either way, it's more than just wanting to go somewhere else. It feels like needing to be somewhere else to even begin to feel okay again.

It makes sense, doesn’t it? The itch in the foot—small, nagging, always there. It’s like the body’s way of reminding you of everything that’s trapped inside, that you can’t quite get rid of. The itch never fully goes away, no matter how much you scratch at it. And the retch? That feeling that rises but never quite releases? It’s as if there’s something in you that needs to escape, to be let go, but you can’t find the release. It’s trapped there, stuck in your throat, or in your mind, and the more you try to push it out, the more it festers. You can’t scratch the itch, and you can’t purge the retch. Both are the body saying, something’s wrong, and I need a way out. The eyes, the windows to everything you’re trying to escape, but they only show you what’s in front of you. They can’t turn away, can’t look anywhere else. It’s like they keep seeing the same walls, the same reality, and it’s suffocating. No matter how much you want to escape or move beyond, the eyes hold you captive in the now. They refuse to let you see anything but what is, and in that, the reality of can't sinks in. That’s where the melancholy creeps in—the space between what you want and what you can actually do. It's not just a sadness, but a kind of quiet resignation, the acceptance that the escape isn’t coming, and the discomfort has nowhere to go. It’s a deeper sadness, born from that feeling of helplessness, from the realization that things can’t change just by wishing them to. The weight of the unmet need, the tension without release, piles up in the soul and spills out as melancholy. It’s like the mind and body are screaming for relief, and the eyes just keep telling you no, and in that silence, the sorrow grows. You end up stuck in that space between desire and impossibility, where there’s no clear way out. That’s where the heaviness settles in.

That’s a raw feeling, isn't it? A kind of weariness that stretches deeper than just physical exhaustion. It’s the kind of fatigue where you’re not just tired of your body, but of the whole process of trying to keep up, to push through. The mind keeps racing, the body keeps aching, and it all just builds until you wish for any kind of release. A full stop, a breaking point, just for everything to end. Not as a desire to escape to something better, but to finally, finally let go of the constant tension. The scream, the need to just release, but then there’s only silence afterward. A silence that promises nothing but an end to the noise, to the struggle. Then, darkness. As if everything around you can finally just collapse, like a theater show that’s reached its final act, the curtain falls, and it’s over. No more thoughts. No more weight. Just... nothing.


- Oizys.