27 May 2022

Seventh-day. One week of logging entries has been completed successfully.
I couldn't sleep at all last night. I slept this morning at 6 am. I woke up at 10 am and had breakfast at 1 pm.
I have completed two small introductory courses today. I was approached to submit my details for an internship.
And, I talked about the mistaken appointment. They said the position is mine if I want it. I have accepted it.
I found some discrepancies in one of my published papers. I talked to my co-authors about it.
I am very anxious about this new position. In a good way.
Went for a long grocery shopping. Had to stock up so, so many things.

I am feeling very jumpy. It is a very restless feeling, both exhausted and anxious.
I constantly feel embarrassed for no reason at all. Do you, if anyone is reading, feel it too? Embarrassed for no reason whatsoever. Constant guilt lingering at the corners of your mind, slamming the doors of your soul at any other good emotion.

I told my family about my new position acquired. They mocked me and kept pulling my chain throughout the entire teatime. That's it. Blotted a source of happiness and sense of achievement before it could emanate. Now, I am trying my best to find a reason to avoid dinner with them. Oh, the pain of sitting at that table trying to swallow food when they are shoving insults down my throat.

Today's mood: derailed, frustrated, abashed.

- Oizys.

 

26 May 2022

The sixth day of the log entry.
Today is a blurry day. I woke up so late in the afternoon.
I applied for some internships.
An old paper of mine got accepted. I have been working to upload it to various repositories to get it recognized and increase readership.
I didn't have breakfast, just lunch.
I tried to exercise but was unable to. I will try again tomorrow, but I will do some bedtime stretching before going to sleep.
I washed my hair today. I had a disgusting headache.
I emailed the community about my mistaken appointment of mine. Let's see what they say.

I have been reading a lot of diaries here lately. It is beautiful. It is interesting. I was able to relate to a couple of the diarists here. I want to share my relatability by responding to their entries. Let's see. I always have qualms when I try to talk or build any connection. Rather than focusing on what to say, I overthink how they will perceive me, understand me, or what they will think about me. I barely talk in person, even with my family members. I just do not know what to say. It is also the reason why I prefer slow communication tools like text or emails rather than calls or in-person meetings. My thoughts become blurry. In emails or texts, I can take my time to think and search and write in a concise manner.

Today's mood: empty, unfit, and sluggish.

- Oizys.

25 May 2022

The diary entry was lodged successfully on the fifth day consecutively.
I woke up earlier than usual.
I also got an email regarding gaining a head position in a community for which I had applied by mistake and didn't even take the interview. What do I do with that? Should I go along with it or recheck with them?
I had some puffed rice with raw mango for breakfast.
I am considering making a small donation here as this morning when I opened the Diary website, a notification popped up regarding the website needing some financial support to pay its host. I don't know what to do. Is it too early? I like this application and would love to contribute to its well-being.
I am continuing with my search for work opportunities. I am also planning to do some courses today. I found two which are free and one which requires a small fee due to an offer. But, I am scared to ask for money. Today is the last day of the offer. Let's see if I can do something. Although, I have started the two free ones, downloaded and reviewed the materials, and assorted them.
I am really craving something cold to drink.
This is the second day of exercise.
I got another rejection letter today.
I cried myself to sleep.

I have been having a lot of existential thoughts whenever I leave my land of thoughts and fantasies. I look around. My friends have other people in their lives. They go out, have lovely relationships, and have fun with their best friends. Do silly stuff, and make memories. My siblings are getting new jobs. People are moving in life further. And then I look inside myself. Just the sort of person, doing nothing much, in whom people take an interest once in a while but do not really care if I am gone or absent. I just sort of exist but do not really mean anything to anyone or any way that is possible. I keep thinking if I am really living my life or not. I search for memories, but my gallery is empty. My mind has no remembrance of anything that can make my soul nostalgic. Was I meant to be a human? Because, sometimes, even existing feels uncanny.

Today's mood: bleak, Sehnsucht, hiraeth

- Oizys.

24 May 2022

This is the fourth day of log entries.
I slept really late again last night. There was a storm, and some flower pots broke, and a transformer exploded.
I woke up early in the morning and checked my phone. I saw another work rejection email. Hence, I slept again and woke up later.
I am writing a reply to that rejection email asking for feedback. However, the rejection email was riddled with spelling mistakes, such as "I regret to inform you that your have cleared that test." Ugh? Should I be glad to have been rejected from here or what?

I have sent an email to them asking for feedback. I ordered some food but got sick. 
I exercised today after a long time. The body feels sore but free. I also submitted the paper, and I have kept my hopes high about this one.
I received a message here from another diarist here. This feels like a homely place. I have replied to them.
And, I also found some more of my old entries from the manual diary scribbled here and there. I am planning to lodge them here too, maybe tomorrow.

The constant rejections feel like stepping on my hand when I am trying to crawl my way back from the pit crater. I tried to speak about this to a friend of mine today but in vain. She says to keep on trying. The thing is, I can't afford to give up. I am trying and will never stop doing so. But, the will has its own mind, which gets raveled sometimes. I wish someone could tell me, or at the very least, understand these kinds of incidents. These kinds of thoughts, are diametrically opposite but exist side-by-side. 

Today's mood: inept, bummed, discarded.

- Oizys.

 

23 May 2022

The third day of logging here. My fingers are still crossed about consistency.
Received a message here from last night; I felt seen and a bit understood by another human being. I replied to the person today.
I woke up super late because I slept this morning. I could not sleep last night because she snores A LOT.
I had breakfast at lunchtime.
I've been combing for work opportunities since I woke up. I have been receiving rejection mail since time immemorial.
All of our friends are employed in some capacity. I still haven't received a single call for even an interview.
I received a call this morning and thought it was for an interview, but it turns out they were selling courses.
I'm thinking of logging some of my old entries from my manual diary here. They are just a bunch of flailing and desperate poems and scribbles.
I received another message after this log was posted. Another human being who empathizes with the phase of having no work in life thanked the person for the response.
I wanted to order some food, but my sister kept nagging around, and then a random uncle popped by, and then it was too late.
I ate an early dinner with my family. 
They jibed at me for having no work. I restrained myself from getting irritated. My mental state can not afford another fight with them anymore.

The chanting has started again. The outer tinnitus.

Editing the paper that is supposed to be submitted. Hopefully, it will go up. I have ardently researched and written my part of the paper.

I finished working on the paper and lodged all my old entries from the manual diary here.

Yes, it has been so long that I don't even remember the time before this. This sadness has become so familiar that every other emotion seems alien and uncomfortable. This sadness is so heavy, it has completely crushed me beneath its bulwark of darkness, that I have submitted my remaining pieces and am wandering in the land of hopelessness seeking the finale. It is hitting the final rock bottom after being sucked by a pit of quicksand.

Today's mood: desolate, empty, sleepy.

- Oizys.

22 May 2022

Second-day entry, successfully registered.
Hopefully, I will remain consistent. Fingers crossed.
I woke up earlier than usual.
I ate noodles for breakfast and some milkshakes in the afternoon.
I fought with my family again.
Played some games, especially the bouncy ball one.
I am submitting a paper today. I hope that goes well too.
Feeling bilious.

I've got to know about "intrusive thoughts". I am slowly realizing that I have been having a lot of intrusive thoughts. Sometimes bad, sometimes good disguised as bad. My mind feels tired of all this buzz. Speaking of buzz, she keeps chanting in a low voice, which feels like a buzzing sound, quite similar to my tinnitus in the left ear. Her chanting is like tinnitus on the outside. My mind goes crazy whenever she sits behind me doing that.

I feel brittle. I feel sad. I feel lonely. I feel alone too. All together mixed. It all hit me all at once. To calm myself, I think of times when I did not feel such things, and I can't remember a single phase or point in life when I felt anything other than this. It makes me wonder why. I am apprehending I do not integrate here, wherever I am. How long can I survive like this, trying to fit in? How long will it be before I am discarded as an unfitting puzzle piece? Nothing I do sits well. Nothing, I think, bodes well. Nothing I plan to age well. I keep sleeping it off every night, thinking it will abate. But, for how long can I make-believe? Won't be long before people unwrap this veneer and see what a worthless pseud I am.

Today's mood: unproductive, jaded, depressed.

- Oizys. 

 

21 May 2022

Starting this diary.
I am hoping to be consistent, which is unlike anything in my life.
I'm spending my day entirely in bed today.
I'm upset with my family.
I woke up late and ate a cheap breakfast.
I haven't eaten anything since.
Friends are trying to publish a paper. I might collaborate.
Searched extensively for "Magolpy/Maman"... Where did she even go?
I feel sick, my stomach is growling, and my mouth is salty.

Finally, I went and watered the plants. As requested by a neighbor, I contributed to checking the cams for a troublemaker.

I ate some puffed rice but no condiments.

Dinner and then sleep! Uf.

I guess it doesn't bother me. I can't be bothered with anything these days. Whatever. Maybe tomorrow. Shrug. My mind is like a bunch of nothing, but so it goes. Today was a complete loss. What can I say? I've just been hanging out doing nothing. That's how it is. My mind is like a void. I just don't have much to say, but such is life. Oh well. Such is life. Basically, nothing is going on right now. I guess it doesn't bother me. I've pretty much been doing nothing worth mentioning. Eh.

I am hoping for a way out, like every other day.

Today's Mood: spiritless, dispassionate, neutral.

- Oizys.

Threat To My Thoughts

I feel useless after I talk to people. I have so many of these thoughts that I want to write, share, voice and scream. But, when I make them known to the world outside of my mind, give them a voice for others' ears, and let them into the minds of others, they vaporize into nothingness. They go away. They become hollow. They become meaningless. And, I can feel the emptiness loud and clear. It feels like someone stepping into a room and crashing into a handful of empty vessels, making a cracking noise.

What is it? Is it that I am only my thoughts? I am made up of only my thoughts. Is it me who is just a vessel and these thoughts fill me and make me who I am? Or, is it me who keeps my thoughts alive? And, is the presence of my thoughts only of substance when it is unknown to other beings? Do other people just consume and spit out my thoughts like plucking away weed?

I fear writing sometimes, to pen my thoughts down. For, if people read, my thoughts extinguish into non-existence. Then, where do I put you, my thoughts? We are safe nowhere but in this mind of mine.

- Oizys.

When Did I Pick Up This Pen

I do not know. I do not remember when I decided to write for the very first time. What was that moment when I must have thought inking was better than telling? What was that moment when I sought solace in the empty pages of a diary rather than in people who claimed they deserved my trust? Was it when my blood denied my color? Was it when my batchmates moved away from me? Was it when the teacher skipped me because I took some time to think? Was it when my kinfolk ignored me because I was too ill? 

It must have been a moment of sadness when my words went unheard that I thought of registering on a page. It must have been a moment of pain when my cries were ignored and I poured my emotions into the back of a notebook.

It hurts, you know. I love filling these pages with beautiful words, broken poems, obscure sentences, and abandoned memories, but the whys and wherefores are themselves my brokenness and moments where I was abandoned.

- Oizys.

Sacrific For Survival

I am stuck in a rut. In a room. Between one side of the bed and a table filled with dusty books and this crappy laptop. I want to get out, getaway. Far, far away. I can not live like this anymore. This comfort comes at the cost of my privacy and peace. I have no other way than to lock myself in this room. I do not want this. I want to move out of this hellish stomach that incinerates my freedom with its toxic acid. I just want to tear it open and spring out. I am losing every intangible part of me. My dedication, my love, my books, my words, my mind, me. The connection of blood has kept me tethered. Their blood filled my veins, tying me to this stomach. I want to rid myself of their so-called ichor and be free.

"There is a freedom that comes with abandonment." Suzanne Scanlon. 

Perhaps detachment is what will be the key to this junky lock. I am desperate to alleviate myself by chopping off this relationship. Desperate to get rid of this dependency. I know I will bleed when I part ways. If sacrificing my own blood is what is needed to gain survival, then so be it. 

- Oizys.