08 June 2022

Eight-day of June and it is horrible.

Yesterday was dreadful. There was another fight and I completely collapsed, emotionally and mentally. And, in some ways, physically too from all the crying and screaming. I am quailing at the thought of another year under this roof and if I don't get a job after that, I might be stuck here. I won't be able to survive any more of this. Constant derision and disturbances have shaken me to the core. That is why zero prospects of work leads have driven me crazy and that is what I have been crying here about in my previous entries. I am unable to function like a normal or reasonable human being. I am unable to create thoughts. No imagination. It seems as if my subconsciousness has desensitized. I have lost the sense of taste for any kind of desire or want. I do not crave anything. Passion is sitting dead on a chair, strangulated by constant headaches and bitterness.

I cried like an infant animal, legs stuck somewhere in a dark ditch. Scratching my arms to pieces. Trying to get out of something. I often stare at the mirror when I cry. I stare at the helplessness in my eyes. The impotence of my body to fight for me. Slipping on my tears into this horrendous existential crisis, I get trapped by my dearth of everything. I have nothing yet I feel constrained to live further like a punishment for being born. I found myself begging. To whom? I don't know. Just, pure shameless begging to be extricated from the jaws of a pathetic life.

Today has been nothing but an extension of yesterday's agony. Consuming every single bone of my body. Making me sick of my humanness. Contriving me into feeling all the grim and grisly points of life. It is nauseating to even exist in this flesh. I just keep hoping some egress to break open. Then, I can leave this mortal coil behind to wind up on its own.

I am unable to swallow food, and I can only remember a few words of poetry.

"We lose June. We lose July. In
August we look in mirrors and
want to die."
- Kim Addonizio, from "The Women", Wild Nights: New and Selected Poems.

Today's mood: ...

- Oizys.

06 June 2022

The sixth day of the June and yesterday was the first day I missed an entry here. How quickly I somersaulted on my own words, is mortifying. The day before yesterday, I sewed some really big words here about crawling my way forward but, last night I just let go completely and fell into the rabbit hole of tears and fears. I failed my words which is not surprising. Yesterday, I finished the marathon, made my submission and I started to watch this new TV show until I realized I was just breaking down continuously. Getting cut off by multiple self-directed mini-manic episodes, I got tired and shut the show instead.

I woke up this morning but couldn't find a single reason or a work to get up to. Have been stifling my breakdowns all day today, and it is becoming an icy volcano bubbling with teary lava. The reason you ask, but I do not know. It is so difficult to pinpoint what crippled my crust so austere that led to this breakthrough of magma of woe and anguish. Every time, I go to pieces, it feels like chambers of embers and reservoirs of lava burst open and floods my mind. Then, I spend days dusting off the powdery ash and wiping the unguent remains before it runs around and compacts my mind and entire corporeal into a boulder of self-abhorrence. But, no matter what I do to make myself believe that I have undone this caldera, I can not escape the destruction that has been done leaving behind a trail of minacious zones.

I will spend the night doing some proofreading. I received another report with some good results that reflect my progress.

Today's mood: tensed, frenzied, and discomfort.

- Oizys.

04 June 2022

The fourth day of June.
Also, it is the fifteenth day of logging entries to this diary.

I woke up early and the day went with the first day of the Research Marathon. It was great and I enjoyed it a lot. I was allocated a fairly new topic, so, it was a challenge that made it fun.

Other than that, nothing happened at all.

And, I feel like nothing is happening at all that could make me write. There are not many thoughts in this mind of mine currently that I can pen down here. Vacant. With a few crunchy leaves lying here and there and when I go to catch them, I probably hold on to them so hard that I end up masticating the food for my thoughts with my very own hands.

Anyways, no proofreading today. I had more than ten hours of screen time and my fingers refused to go over the keyboard and my eyes rejected the light of the laptop screen. I am actually writing this down using my mobile phone. This feels a bit convenient for days like these. I always use a laptop because that way I can notice mistakes and fix them. But again, as I said, I have been feeling like I don't have much to write and if I gave myself the excuse for one day, I would break this consistency that I have the intention of abiding by. So, tolerate me. Because I have no other choice than to get the hell on with me, even if I have to crawl. Because I have no other choice than to stick around, even if I have to scratch my nails.

Today's mood: languorous, burned-out, and done.

- Oizys.

03 June 2022

The third day of June.

I woke up to a great report on one of my proofreading projects which said that I had made rectified all mistakes and there were no errors from my side. That being said, I have also started a tracking file in a spreadsheet to track my proofreading work.
I spent my day proofreading and preparing for the marathon.
It is hot and the electricity keeps giving up on us.

Today's mood: occupied, exhausted, drained.

- Oizys.

02 June 2022

The second day of June.
I woke up to absolute silence. There was no one at home.
Finally, some void in the noise. I could think, I could see. And none could hear me, none could see me.
I sat and heard my kettle whistle. I also listened to two cats fight. It felt good.
I have been continuing my day with proofreading and also preparing for my marathon.
Just normal humdrum and daily life things. Although today on one of my proofreading projects, I made only one mistake, and other than it, the report came out perfectly.

How much I crave this euthymic state of mind. Being able to relish the dulcet tones of vanilla days. Not too jittery for the teeth, clammy for the forehead, fiery for the gut. I hope to hold on to this earthy taste of common-or-garden fruit. As the night approaches, there is an urge to keep the aftertaste on my tongue and let it linger on my mind forever.

Today's mood: untroubled, mellow, still.

- Oizys.

 

01 June 2022

First of July. I wish prosperity to the members of the LGBTQ+ community. I would like to quote something on this day for all of you, “Every time someone steps up and says who they are, the world becomes a better, more interesting place. So thank you.” - Captain Raymond Jacob Holt, ‘Brooklyn Nine-Nine’.

It has been a sluggish day. I stayed in my corner. Most of my friends start work today. Here I am...
It is also my friend's birthday. I wished her all the happiness and glory. I hope we meet soon and celebrate.
I am continuing with the proofreading.
The induction program from the research marathon, I missed some of it because I fell asleep. Thankfully, I had a friend who helped me.
The mood around the house is still sulky.
Thinking to read a book. Some poetry, maybe.
My sibling received their graduation degree today.
I am still unable to reply to the messages I received here. Some days, I go into a slump. I need to get back up. It’s a bit slippery, I keep falling back whenever I try to get up.

I do not have much to write. Things that I have are feelings of dejection and disappointment which I do not want to record because I want to stamp them out and do not wish to revisit those flames of failure. No need of remembering the stains of fire fueled by Achilles' heel.

Today’s mood: stagnant, dull, and languid.

- Oizys.

31 May 2022

Today was... green around the gills.
Yesterday's squabble turned into a battle royal.
I spent the day between my side of the bed and my table. My safe zone.
The aerial bombardment of splintered words.
I cried myself to sleep in the evening.
In an attempt to cheer myself up, I made some local snacks. They worked for a while.
I have been working on proofreading. This work of proofreading is very different than the earlier ones. It is quite interesting and engaging. I have also signed up for a research marathon. It starts tomorrow. Whatever distracts me from the fights.
However, I was unable to reply to the messages I received here. I will do my best to get back to them tomorrow. I am too tired today, both mentally and physically.

Today's mood: inconsolable, delirious, and down.

- Oizys.

 

30 May 2022

Hello. Today marks the tenth day of diary writing. I am liking this.
The sun is fire-spewing heat. It is impossible to step outside until the evening falls.
I was unable to appear for an interview today due to some technical glitch. They deny the existence of glitches. Let's see what happens.
I am continuing with the proofreading.

I am writing this to seek solace as I escape a quarrel at home. Moments of these family squabbles impel me to embrace my tinnitus and make me hope that all the ringing and buzzing entrenches my hearing so I don't have to be a prisoner in this war of words. Although, moments like this when I sneak away and seek comfort in words make me appreciate my books and my writing habits. And now, this little e-refuge from the being bare to bitterness. However, this doesn’t keep my mind shrouded from being on tenterhooks waiting for the rest half of the day to end. Oh, the agony…

Today's mood: irritated, bothered.

- Oizys.

29 May 2022

The ninth day of my diary entry.
I slept earlier last night than usual and woke up earlier than usual to the arrival of guests.
I received a message from a follower today. It felt weirdly comforting. It is a new feeling.
I have not been able to reply to the messages recently, but I will do so today, hopefully. I will try my best.
I spent the day entertaining and preparing the house and food for the guests.
Too hot today.
The family is toying with the idea of a one-day trip and I have already started looking for excuses to dodge it.
There was a function in the evening, which I gladly missed.
Nothing new. The same as usual. There is no new work leads on the horizon.
I started proofreading today. It reminded me how much I love proofreading, editing, and reading books.
I hope to keep up this practice of proofreading. 

Oh, and yesterday I came across a diary entry which had quoted a poem by Mary Oliver, and coincidentally I was reading a poem by Mary Oliver too. I was reading the collection "Thirst".

Today has been a busy and occupied day, starting with guests and then neck-deep in some proofreading work. There were small pangs of interior ruffle and discomposition. Some moments of my mind and soul dissociating here and there. But, I managed to stop my head from cleaving into multiple particles of worthless jitters and twitches, and I pulled it through by successfully maintaining my poise and cleaving my mind to the chores of today's unusual routine. 

Today's mood: tired, tizzy, and tasked.

- Oizys.

 

28 May 2022

Eighth day.
I woke up earlier than usual for food preparation as guests were about to come, but they canceled at the last minute.
I ate some porridge but it had too much-clarified butter, which made me sick as hell.
I searched for some books to read.
I went to the tailor to get some skirts resized.
The roads were at an impasse.
I brought some ice cream. But I don't think I can eat them.
Searching for the works of author - Blythe Baird.

At first, I thought it was the porridge, but I have been feeling too much agitation. In my head. Which has created a cavernous black pit of despair in my stomach. Like a semi-dormant volcano of anxiety. Charring my variety meat. Roasting my mind until my tender mother is blistered. Stiffening my ventricles and hardening my valves until the blood stops pumping. How do I stop this? How do I stop my fears from grilling my happiness? How do I stop my angst from charbroiling my peace?

Today’s mood: dreadful, malaise and tormented.

- Oizys.