Random Diary Entry - 28 February 2023

Gave my interview yesterday...

I had my master's interview yesterday. And I keep replaying my interview in my head and feel mortified.

I joined early, waited nervously in the waiting room, and tried to calm my nerves by taking deep breaths. When I was allowed into the meeting, I put on my best smile and tried to appear confident. But, inside, I was a bundle of nerves. The interview went by in a blur. I only remember stumbling over my words, losing my train of thought, and feeling like I wasn't making a good impression. As the interview ended, I couldn't help but feel like I had blown it.

Now, I'm constantly thinking about the interview and the fact that the results will be declared at the end of March. The waiting is driving me crazy, and I can't stop thinking about what I could have done differently.

I know that I need to try and forget about it and move on, but I can't help but feel like this interview was my one shot. I can only hope that my nerves didn't get the best of me and that I made a good impression on the interviewer, who happens to be the chair of the program. It is the only programme I have applied for, partly because it specifically fits my interests with its generous funding. I came across another programme to apply for, but my LOR writers have not responded to me yet.

I will have to wait for the results and see what the future holds for me.

- Oizys.

Random Diary Entry - 21st February 2023

Got an Interview Invitation -- Too Scared -- Intrusive Thoughts to Withdraw

So, I had posted here a few days ago about being overly obsessed with my top-choice university. I just received an email a while ago for an interview. It's a Master's program. I was really excited about the university. Now that I have been selected for the interview, I am so anxious.

I feel like I am mediocre, and I'm just obsessed with the university, but I never really prepared myself. I am really freaking out. I always dreamed of going to this university. Now that I am one step closer, knowing that the next step will determine whether I am able to join the programme or not, I am really freaking out. It's not just normal nervousness. I am really chickening out. I am having intrusive thoughts about withdrawing my application. I constantly feel like I am not prepared. that I am not eligible for this.

Nobody else knows I applied for this because my parents won't allow me to study at a foreign university. That's why I was applying to a foreign university in order to get out of here. But, at the same time, I didn't want to just go away and do something I hated. So, when I found this university, I got excited and very interested.

Now, I am freaking out. I also feel like I have impersonated someone on my CV. I am unable to focus on the academic essay that I wrote for this application. I love the subject I am applying for. It is my major, and I am at the top of my class, not only in marks but also because my current professors have encouraged me to take up academia and research in this subject. But I don't feel like I deserve this. I feel lowly. Measly.

I need to give them a reply to confirm the time slot for the interview. But I am unable to. I am unable to even write a response. Maybe I should step back? I feel like I don't deserve to sit for this interview. I know I will botch this interview up. Plus, I have never given an official, proper, serious interview before. I have given telephonic interviews but not video ones like this, with a senior professor asking questions and all.

I wish I had someone to talk to about this in person. My friends are not exactly interested in this. My parents—well, as I mentioned before, they can't know. I am just so, so scared that I feel worthless. There is a very vague, dreadful feeling in my stomach. But the feeling of being doomed in my mind is vivid. I am unable to eat.

- Oizys.

The Hunger Within: A Journey Through Depression and Loss of Appetite

Today, I realised that I'm not hungry anymore. But it's not because I've lost my appetite, it's because I've lost my zest for life. Food used to be my solace, my comfort, my friend. But now, even my favourite dishes taste like ashes in my mouth.

I feel like I've lost my way, like I'm drifting in a sea of uncertainty. I used to have a clear sense of purpose, a set of goals, and a vision for my future. But now, everything feels muddled, confusing, and bleak. I can't seem to find the light at the end of the tunnel, or the silver lining in the clouds.

I used to love to cook, to experiment with new recipes, and to share my creations with my loved ones. But now, I can barely bring myself to open the fridge, let alone whip up a gourmet meal. Cooking feels like a chore, a burden, a waste of time.

I don't know where to turn, who to talk to, or how to get out of this rut. I feel like I'm stuck in a bad dream, or a black hole. I keep trying to claw my way out, but the harder I try, the deeper I sink.

Maybe it's just a phase, a passing mood, a temporary setback. Or maybe it's something deeper, more profound, and more elusive. Maybe I need to face my fears, confront my doubts, and embrace my true self. Maybe I need to find a new passion, a new purpose, a new reason to live.

But for now, all I can say is that "I'm not hungry anymore". Not for food, not for life, not for anything. I just feel empty, numb, and lost.

I don't know what the future holds, or what the next chapter of my life will bring. But I do know that I need to keep moving forward, one step at a time. I need to keep searching for answers, for meaning, for hope.

So, I'll end this entry with a quote from a wise woman I once knew: "Hunger is the language of the soul. When we stop being hungry, we stop being alive." I may not be hungry right now, but I know deep down that my soul is still hungry for something. And I won't stop searching until I find it.

- Oizys.

Random Diary Entry - 19th February 2023

Forming an unhealthy obsession with my top-choice university

This might be a very embarrassing, but I just need to let it out (and, maybe, seek a bit of validation as to whether it's normal and whether other people do it or not).

 

I applied to one university for a very specific Master's program, and I am becoming obsessed with it. There is no such thing as a day or a minute when I don't stop searching for it and thinking about getting in. I know "the perfect university" might sound banal to some people. But I can't stop thinking about how perfectly it fits me. I am getting so lost underneath the heavy blanket of fantasies that I keep forgetting that my application is not outstanding. My grades, publications, and activities are not "striking." Heck, even my academic essay, on which I spent months and months researching and editing, is not that remarkable. I am still awaiting an interview letter. There is a good chance I may not get selected for an interview, let alone getting accepted. But all I've done and continue to do is religiously "stalk" my university, watch their YouTube videos, follow their every post and account, attend their model classes, attend their webinars, apply for their summer programs, connect with previous and current university students on LinkedIn, check their profiles, and occasionally compare if I have a chance (which always ends in disappointment).

 

But, at the same time, there is a part of me that knows I may not get accepted and all this obsession might come crashing down around my ears. That part of me wants to stop, but at this point I am too scared to face reality because I have invested too much, and I just want to hide behind "fantasies" while I wait for a rejection letter.

 

- Oizys. 

She Kissed My Hand and I Want To Die

I am stifling. This is becoming too much. I am physically nauseated. I don't know why this is happening to me. Every minute passes by, and I just wish I never existed. This horrible existence Every night, I cover myself with a heavy blanket of lies and wet my hair and pillow with tears, hoping the night will engulf my existence and churn it into nothingness.

Nowadays, I just wish nonsensical, desperate things like, "Why was I not asked where I wanted to be born or not?" It's stupid, isn't it? Even with all the science and technology, we can never ask a human, while it is inside another human, whether they truly want to live through humanity. Because, after we are born, it is the humans who make the baby regret its own existence; its very sentience.

Humans are so territorial about their children, they forget children are human too. When they grow up, they will feel the need to use their autonomy. Why do some parents think they can dictate their child's life to every extent possible just because of procreation?

Each day, I wish there were some way I could have conveyed to the person who gave birth not to do so. Only if I knew, she would birth me and micromanage my entire life like my existence isn't mine, like my breathing isn't mine, like this world isn't mine. We, as children, learn to grow up and lead a human life, but our parents never learn to detach themselves from us. 

I wish I could shed all of this and run away. I wish there was a way to run away from everything I have now. Get lost in oblivion. not even a single memory of anything that is around me right now. The very longing to put an end to all of this. Because, even if you move far, far away, the happenings of past will be deeply etched in your mind forever like their blood in your viens.

When you know how your mother births you, you are amazed and you say, "Oh my God." And then, when she proceeds to mould you, break you, rearrange you, and beat you like you are some hobbling boot, you realise there is no God. There is only evil in humans and misery in humanity.

- Oizys.

Oizys In Lesboland

Whilst wandering in the trenchy threads of Reddit, I discovered some best phases of lesbian blogoshperes. All those good-intentioned hoaxs, talented sockpuppets from early 2000s and some even date back to 90s. People tracing those lies while communicating with each other on discussion boards and forums. For the past few days, I went down the rabbit hole of old school blogs of lesbians and came across so many unimaginable (retrospectively speaking) things. Starting from the Acanit which was followed by a great literary experiment of Plain Layne to the most famous one that catfished the entire internet, Gay Girl in Damascus, the old internet is nothing but a big, beautiful museum of hoaxs (which is, by the way, a legitimate website called "Museum of Hoaxes"). Oh, dear screen, the opaque yet magic mirror, I can sit infront of you and scribe my own image for others' eyes. Fleshing out a cyber human with intricate lies, labyrinthine personas, web of communities around it trapping all kinds of bugs.

When I was on a reading spree of these webbed diaries and blogs, there was a tinge of nostalgia. Now, it has become crowdy. It has become easy to track down people and even, easier to create an entire clan just to hide behind a screen. We are all reflections of our own lies (or, fantasies...?)

- Oizys.

Nothingness Permeating Life

Days like these. So empty, so hollow. Every night, you wish for darkness, a darkness that existed before your existence, to come and engulf you. Every morning you lay in your cot and drown yourself in the question, 'why did I wake up'? The feeling of not being. The feeling of not wanting something. The feeling of anti-desire. The feeling of not being unable to want something. And, the guilt. Oh, the guilt! The guilt attached to the feeling of not wanting something. The guilt of not being able to perceive anything good. The guilt of being nothing. An unprecedented and invalid rage bubbled in my veins. Feeling inconsiderably angry about some things that are not even mildly annoying. Every single thing becomes heavier. Even things that you didn't know existed. Even words that you want to utter become heavy, you are not able to let them escape your mouth. Your body becomes heavy even if you weigh like a thin paper. You lie underneath the blanket in a cold night and watch days pass by. You are unable to remove the blanket and get up. Soon, everything bocomes one colour. You start forgetting anything else other than that colour. You start forgetting faces you have met and smiled with. You start forgetting names you have whispered as prayers. The colour starts engulfing your brain. Your memory. Your sense of knowing things. There is a complete loss. One moment, you have this life. Full of random people, hobbies, tasks, responsibilities. Then, the next moment. It is all engulfed by that colour. I can't even seem to remember what colour that is. The brain is been completely conquered and shut down. 

- Oizys.

Pure, Unadultered Guilt

Wanting is not enough. We have to work towards what we want. I have been dreading for the past few weeks. I want something. And, I am trying so hard to make myself work toward it. But, I am so scared. I am so, so scared. What if I fail? I have nothing to fall back on? I am so scared of getting rejected. There is a part of me that is so scared of failing that it is not letting me work toward it and there is another part of me that wants it so freaking much. I am just so tired with all the gut-wrenching anxiety. Just the continuous rumination. Of what will happen. Of the results. Of what will I do if I do not get it. Of how will I face people. I just want to escape. I just want to not want this. I am going crazy. What if I am not good enough? Will I ever get it? Is it for me? What is out there for me? And, apart of all of these emotions, I have this guilt. Pure, unadultered guilt. I do not know why. I am so exhausted. It is nerve wrecking. I am not eating. I am not sleeping. Everything is a havoc. I am just crying constantly. I do not know how will I go through these few months. I do not know. 

- Oizys.

December Is Cold And Full Of Regrets

The end of December approaches. As I wrap myself in this thick blanket and search for some sleep in this deep cold, a layer of regrets settles on me. It is heavy. And it is chilly. Like the night. My ankles are locked. My hands were trembling under my chin. I reminisce. About all the opportunities I could have taken advantage of but did not because I was too afraid. About all the messages I could have talked to people but didn't because I was too disconnected. About all the times I could have gone out and been with people but did not because I was a bit too tired. About all the time I could have been just happy but did not because I was a bit too caught in my own head. About all the times I could have sat with my family and laughed but didn't because I was upset.

December is ruthless. Pricking you with the worst nostalgia. I cover myself from head to toe, hoping to escape this layer of regrets by immersing myself in my fantasyland, only to regret not sleeping properly the next morning.

- Oizys.
 

Is It All Just Plain Dramatic?

 Am I too dramatic? With feeling all these emotions constantly. Constantly stressed out. Just worried. Filling my entries with all the overthinking. Am I too much? Do I crib a lot?

On this beautiful, chilly night, I was neck-deep at work. And, suddenly, the above thoughts hit me like someone splashing water on my face.

Is it true, though? Sometimes, I wonder. Am I a buzzkill? I often look at my friends or family and think, "Would they be having more fun if I were not here?" If I were not here, they would be doing all those things that I am holding them back from or that they are not doing because of me. Would this place become a better place if I were to stop existing here? Sometimes, when I was younger, I would think. Is there any way to escape and watch my life from afar? Like, I won't be here, and everything else is the same. How would that affect the lives that are connected to mine? And I don't think like this with bad intentions about my near and dear ones. I would never want them to be hurt or sad. I just wonder if they would be happier if I were not here. Or simply feel and act differently if I were no longer a part of their lives. Just to make sure that I am not a burden on them,

Such intrusive thoughts. Yet very absorbing. That is, I keep looking for meaning in my non-existence while completely ignoring my existence as if it holds no meaning.

- Oizys.