16 June 2022

I feel rather buoyant today.

I wore a new dress. Well, my sister bought this four-to-five years ago and never wore it. She was sorting her wardrobe out and found it. It doesn't fit her anymore, so she gave it to me. It fits me perfectly. Though it is a merchandise type with a quote written on it (which I am not a fan of), I like the color and the fit. So, I am keeping it.
I applied to a few more jobs today and did some proofreading.

I have been listening to some freak folk and freak-pop songs lately. I have noticed I am more drawn toward songs with female vocalists in the freak genre. There is a wonderful richness when a tone is seeping when the true and false folds are pulled taut by a gentlewoman, and with a silhouette of psychedelia, it is hauntingly beautiful. Soft and dreamy. Mellow and pleasant. Soulful and fresh. Pure and lyrical. Infectious and vintage. Gorgeous and wistful. It makes you feel nostalgic about a time that may not have existed in your life but has surely affected you. Of a time that never happened to you but has surely made you delirious in your seasonal peaks and troughs. Such a lilting voice with piercing words, when listened to while having a feeble soul and a vulnerable chunk of heart, might lead you towards a "greater hell, or to an oddly unsettling heaven."

Current favourites are Vashti Bunyan, Broadcast.

Today's mood: settling, soft and seasonal.

- Oizys.

14 June 2022

The fourteenth day of June.

I have many thoughts but nothing to write. Nothing that I want to jot down. There is nothing that I want to write here that I would like to read in a few years to feel something.
But, since I have made it clear to myself that I will try to be consistent here, I will make sure to write something or other. 
There are no work leads available or foreseeable.
The current landscape in the folk household is improving and coming to normal standards. 
I still constantly work around eggshells and try to maintain low contact.
I have also not been able to proofread, actively apply for work, or write here properly for the past few days. I am all drained out after all the havoc. I have no imagination left, nor any creativity with words either. Back to square one. 
I also turned the diary into private mode, for what reason I do not know. I want people to read me but not analyze or judge me. I want people to see me but not recognize me. I want people to hear me but not think about me. I think I am scared of being discovered, but at the same time, I desperately want to be known.
It is so perplexing to feel empty and at the same time feel constricted, like something is stuck inside. I am tired of reminding myself that I am actually alive and breathing. I have to zone myself in by putting my hands on a firm surface and pressing the tips of my fingers to remind myself that this body of mine is working.

Today's mood: L'Ennui.

- Oizys.

09 June 2022

The ninth day of June.

 

There is no shift in the emotional landscape of the house or my mind. Eyes, head, and limbs. All sore, sore and sore. From crying and writhing. I reached yet another lower point today while digging this etching ground of soul smeared with tallow and grease from all the inner butchery in the past few days. Every day I break a bit more and drop down a bit further. And, I look around. To find I have nothing to hold onto, no one to lean on to. I am unable to talk because I feel unworthy of words in the society of capable. I am unable to swallow food from a table that has no contribution from my skills and labor. I am unable to take space in my household without the feeling of contrition.

 

I haven't spoken since the evening before yesterday. But, my mind has a mouth of its own which has been screaming ceaselessly. Even with no spoken words, the thoughts are deafening and my head is blurred. This inexorable array of colliding emotions and crashing relationships. I do not know what I need anymore. I do not what will stop this cluster foxtrot of my omnishambles. I do not know what will change this one-way never-ending descending staircase of life.

 

And, while I hit the nail and tumble down these stairs and my head was almost there to hit rock bottom, I came across this post somewhere on the internet:

 

"Not everyone gets a happy ending. Suffering does not automatically mean it will get better in the future. Sometimes it will just get worse until you die. You can very well be that unlucky person."

 

I often think it will get better. I will shed off all the toxicity, and run away to a more sanguine place maybe. Find better people to surround me with. I will stabilize my emotion. Grab control over my life. And, share these tears with my peers like a tumultuous intellectual journey of mine over a cup of tea. But, the thing is... The stark reality is that no one seeks to be around someone who is so eaten up and gutted by their myriad of woe. No one chooses to be alongside someone who has denied the extended hands of joy. Hence, until I can reassemble these fragments into at least a significant corporeal, I'm doomed to float through existence, looking for hanging fruits for survival and finally perish by submersion.

- Oizys.

08 June 2022

Eight-day of June and it is horrible.

Yesterday was dreadful. There was another fight and I completely collapsed, emotionally and mentally. And, in some ways, physically too from all the crying and screaming. I am quailing at the thought of another year under this roof and if I don't get a job after that, I might be stuck here. I won't be able to survive any more of this. Constant derision and disturbances have shaken me to the core. That is why zero prospects of work leads have driven me crazy and that is what I have been crying here about in my previous entries. I am unable to function like a normal or reasonable human being. I am unable to create thoughts. No imagination. It seems as if my subconsciousness has desensitized. I have lost the sense of taste for any kind of desire or want. I do not crave anything. Passion is sitting dead on a chair, strangulated by constant headaches and bitterness.

I cried like an infant animal, legs stuck somewhere in a dark ditch. Scratching my arms to pieces. Trying to get out of something. I often stare at the mirror when I cry. I stare at the helplessness in my eyes. The impotence of my body to fight for me. Slipping on my tears into this horrendous existential crisis, I get trapped by my dearth of everything. I have nothing yet I feel constrained to live further like a punishment for being born. I found myself begging. To whom? I don't know. Just, pure shameless begging to be extricated from the jaws of a pathetic life.

Today has been nothing but an extension of yesterday's agony. Consuming every single bone of my body. Making me sick of my humanness. Contriving me into feeling all the grim and grisly points of life. It is nauseating to even exist in this flesh. I just keep hoping some egress to break open. Then, I can leave this mortal coil behind to wind up on its own.

I am unable to swallow food, and I can only remember a few words of poetry.

"We lose June. We lose July. In
August we look in mirrors and
want to die."
- Kim Addonizio, from "The Women", Wild Nights: New and Selected Poems.

Today's mood: ...

- Oizys.

06 June 2022

The sixth day of the June and yesterday was the first day I missed an entry here. How quickly I somersaulted on my own words, is mortifying. The day before yesterday, I sewed some really big words here about crawling my way forward but, last night I just let go completely and fell into the rabbit hole of tears and fears. I failed my words which is not surprising. Yesterday, I finished the marathon, made my submission and I started to watch this new TV show until I realized I was just breaking down continuously. Getting cut off by multiple self-directed mini-manic episodes, I got tired and shut the show instead.

I woke up this morning but couldn't find a single reason or a work to get up to. Have been stifling my breakdowns all day today, and it is becoming an icy volcano bubbling with teary lava. The reason you ask, but I do not know. It is so difficult to pinpoint what crippled my crust so austere that led to this breakthrough of magma of woe and anguish. Every time, I go to pieces, it feels like chambers of embers and reservoirs of lava burst open and floods my mind. Then, I spend days dusting off the powdery ash and wiping the unguent remains before it runs around and compacts my mind and entire corporeal into a boulder of self-abhorrence. But, no matter what I do to make myself believe that I have undone this caldera, I can not escape the destruction that has been done leaving behind a trail of minacious zones.

I will spend the night doing some proofreading. I received another report with some good results that reflect my progress.

Today's mood: tensed, frenzied, and discomfort.

- Oizys.

04 June 2022

The fourth day of June.
Also, it is the fifteenth day of logging entries to this diary.

I woke up early and the day went with the first day of the Research Marathon. It was great and I enjoyed it a lot. I was allocated a fairly new topic, so, it was a challenge that made it fun.

Other than that, nothing happened at all.

And, I feel like nothing is happening at all that could make me write. There are not many thoughts in this mind of mine currently that I can pen down here. Vacant. With a few crunchy leaves lying here and there and when I go to catch them, I probably hold on to them so hard that I end up masticating the food for my thoughts with my very own hands.

Anyways, no proofreading today. I had more than ten hours of screen time and my fingers refused to go over the keyboard and my eyes rejected the light of the laptop screen. I am actually writing this down using my mobile phone. This feels a bit convenient for days like these. I always use a laptop because that way I can notice mistakes and fix them. But again, as I said, I have been feeling like I don't have much to write and if I gave myself the excuse for one day, I would break this consistency that I have the intention of abiding by. So, tolerate me. Because I have no other choice than to get the hell on with me, even if I have to crawl. Because I have no other choice than to stick around, even if I have to scratch my nails.

Today's mood: languorous, burned-out, and done.

- Oizys.

03 June 2022

The third day of June.

I woke up to a great report on one of my proofreading projects which said that I had made rectified all mistakes and there were no errors from my side. That being said, I have also started a tracking file in a spreadsheet to track my proofreading work.
I spent my day proofreading and preparing for the marathon.
It is hot and the electricity keeps giving up on us.

Today's mood: occupied, exhausted, drained.

- Oizys.

02 June 2022

The second day of June.
I woke up to absolute silence. There was no one at home.
Finally, some void in the noise. I could think, I could see. And none could hear me, none could see me.
I sat and heard my kettle whistle. I also listened to two cats fight. It felt good.
I have been continuing my day with proofreading and also preparing for my marathon.
Just normal humdrum and daily life things. Although today on one of my proofreading projects, I made only one mistake, and other than it, the report came out perfectly.

How much I crave this euthymic state of mind. Being able to relish the dulcet tones of vanilla days. Not too jittery for the teeth, clammy for the forehead, fiery for the gut. I hope to hold on to this earthy taste of common-or-garden fruit. As the night approaches, there is an urge to keep the aftertaste on my tongue and let it linger on my mind forever.

Today's mood: untroubled, mellow, still.

- Oizys.

 

01 June 2022

First of July. I wish prosperity to the members of the LGBTQ+ community. I would like to quote something on this day for all of you, “Every time someone steps up and says who they are, the world becomes a better, more interesting place. So thank you.” - Captain Raymond Jacob Holt, ‘Brooklyn Nine-Nine’.

It has been a sluggish day. I stayed in my corner. Most of my friends start work today. Here I am...
It is also my friend's birthday. I wished her all the happiness and glory. I hope we meet soon and celebrate.
I am continuing with the proofreading.
The induction program from the research marathon, I missed some of it because I fell asleep. Thankfully, I had a friend who helped me.
The mood around the house is still sulky.
Thinking to read a book. Some poetry, maybe.
My sibling received their graduation degree today.
I am still unable to reply to the messages I received here. Some days, I go into a slump. I need to get back up. It’s a bit slippery, I keep falling back whenever I try to get up.

I do not have much to write. Things that I have are feelings of dejection and disappointment which I do not want to record because I want to stamp them out and do not wish to revisit those flames of failure. No need of remembering the stains of fire fueled by Achilles' heel.

Today’s mood: stagnant, dull, and languid.

- Oizys.

31 May 2022

Today was... green around the gills.
Yesterday's squabble turned into a battle royal.
I spent the day between my side of the bed and my table. My safe zone.
The aerial bombardment of splintered words.
I cried myself to sleep in the evening.
In an attempt to cheer myself up, I made some local snacks. They worked for a while.
I have been working on proofreading. This work of proofreading is very different than the earlier ones. It is quite interesting and engaging. I have also signed up for a research marathon. It starts tomorrow. Whatever distracts me from the fights.
However, I was unable to reply to the messages I received here. I will do my best to get back to them tomorrow. I am too tired today, both mentally and physically.

Today's mood: inconsolable, delirious, and down.

- Oizys.