I woke up to a great report on one of my
proofreading projects which said that I had made rectified all mistakes
and there were no errors from my side. That being said, I have also
started a tracking file in a spreadsheet to track my proofreading work.
I spent my day proofreading and preparing for the marathon.
It is hot and the electricity keeps giving up on us.
Today's mood: occupied, exhausted, drained.
- Oizys.
The second day of June.
I woke up to absolute silence. There was no one at home.
Finally, some void in the noise. I could think, I could see. And none could hear me, none could see me.
I sat and heard my kettle whistle. I also listened to two cats fight. It felt good.
I have been continuing my day with proofreading and also preparing for my marathon.
Just
normal humdrum and daily life things. Although today on one of my
proofreading projects, I made only one mistake, and other than it, the
report came out perfectly.
How much I crave this euthymic state of mind. Being able to relish the dulcet tones of vanilla days. Not too jittery for the teeth, clammy for the forehead, fiery for the gut. I hope to hold on to this earthy taste of common-or-garden fruit. As the night approaches, there is an urge to keep the aftertaste on my tongue and let it linger on my mind forever.
Today's mood: untroubled, mellow, still.
- Oizys.
First of July. I wish prosperity to the members of the LGBTQ+ community. I would like to quote something on this day for all of you, “Every time someone steps up and says who they are, the world becomes a better, more interesting place. So thank you.” - Captain Raymond Jacob Holt, ‘Brooklyn Nine-Nine’.
It has been a sluggish day. I stayed in my corner. Most of my friends start work today. Here I am...
It is also my friend's birthday. I wished her all the happiness and glory. I hope we meet soon and celebrate.
I am continuing with the proofreading.
The
induction program from the research marathon, I missed some of it
because I fell asleep. Thankfully, I had a friend who helped me.
The mood around the house is still sulky.
Thinking to read a book. Some poetry, maybe.
My sibling received their graduation degree today.
I
am still unable to reply to the messages I received here. Some days, I
go into a slump. I need to get back up. It’s a bit slippery, I keep
falling back whenever I try to get up.
I do not have much to write. Things that I have are feelings of dejection and disappointment which I do not want to record because I want to stamp them out and do not wish to revisit those flames of failure. No need of remembering the stains of fire fueled by Achilles' heel.
Today’s mood: stagnant, dull, and languid.
- Oizys.
Today was... green around the gills.
Yesterday's squabble turned into a battle royal.
I spent the day between my side of the bed and my table. My safe zone.
The aerial bombardment of splintered words.
I cried myself to sleep in the evening.
In an attempt to cheer myself up, I made some local snacks. They worked for a while.
I
have been working on proofreading. This work of proofreading is very
different than the earlier ones. It is quite interesting and engaging. I
have also signed up for a research marathon. It starts tomorrow.
Whatever distracts me from the fights.
However, I was unable to reply
to the messages I received here. I will do my best to get back to them
tomorrow. I am too tired today, both mentally and physically.
Today's mood: inconsolable, delirious, and down.
- Oizys.
Hello. Today marks the tenth day of diary writing. I am liking this.
The sun is fire-spewing heat. It is impossible to step outside until the evening falls.
I
was unable to appear for an interview today due to some technical
glitch. They deny the existence of glitches. Let's see what happens.
I am continuing with the proofreading.
I am writing this to seek solace as I escape a quarrel at home. Moments of these family squabbles impel me to embrace my tinnitus and make me hope that all the ringing and buzzing entrenches my hearing so I don't have to be a prisoner in this war of words. Although, moments like this when I sneak away and seek comfort in words make me appreciate my books and my writing habits. And now, this little e-refuge from the being bare to bitterness. However, this doesn’t keep my mind shrouded from being on tenterhooks waiting for the rest half of the day to end. Oh, the agony…
Today's mood: irritated, bothered.
- Oizys.
The ninth day of my diary entry.
I slept earlier last night than usual and woke up earlier than usual to the arrival of guests.
I received a message from a follower today. It felt weirdly comforting. It is a new feeling.
I have not been able to reply to the messages recently, but I will do so today, hopefully. I will try my best.
I spent the day entertaining and preparing the house and food for the guests.
Too hot today.
The family is toying with the idea of a one-day trip and I have already started looking for excuses to dodge it.
There was a function in the evening, which I gladly missed.
Nothing new. The same as usual. There is no new work leads on the horizon.
I started proofreading today. It reminded me how much I love proofreading, editing, and reading books.
I hope to keep up this practice of proofreading.
Oh, and yesterday I came across a diary entry which had quoted a poem by Mary Oliver, and coincidentally I was reading a poem by Mary Oliver too. I was reading the collection "Thirst".
Today has been a busy and occupied day, starting with guests and then neck-deep in some proofreading work. There were small pangs of interior ruffle and discomposition. Some moments of my mind and soul dissociating here and there. But, I managed to stop my head from cleaving into multiple particles of worthless jitters and twitches, and I pulled it through by successfully maintaining my poise and cleaving my mind to the chores of today's unusual routine.
Today's mood: tired, tizzy, and tasked.
- Oizys.
Eighth day.
I woke up earlier than usual for food preparation as guests were about to come, but they canceled at the last minute.
I ate some porridge but it had too much-clarified butter, which made me sick as hell.
I searched for some books to read.
I went to the tailor to get some skirts resized.
The roads were at an impasse.
I brought some ice cream. But I don't think I can eat them.
Searching for the works of author - Blythe Baird.
At first, I thought it was the porridge, but I have been feeling too much agitation. In my head. Which has created a cavernous black pit of despair in my stomach. Like a semi-dormant volcano of anxiety. Charring my variety meat. Roasting my mind until my tender mother is blistered. Stiffening my ventricles and hardening my valves until the blood stops pumping. How do I stop this? How do I stop my fears from grilling my happiness? How do I stop my angst from charbroiling my peace?
Today’s mood: dreadful, malaise and tormented.
- Oizys.
Seventh-day. One week of logging entries has been completed successfully.
I couldn't sleep at all last night. I slept this morning at 6 am. I woke up at 10 am and had breakfast at 1 pm.
I have completed two small introductory courses today. I was approached to submit my details for an internship.
And, I talked about the mistaken appointment. They said the position is mine if I want it. I have accepted it.
I found some discrepancies in one of my published papers. I talked to my co-authors about it.
I am very anxious about this new position. In a good way.
Went for a long grocery shopping. Had to stock up so, so many things.
I am feeling very jumpy. It is a very restless feeling, both exhausted and anxious.
I
constantly feel embarrassed for no reason at all. Do you, if anyone is
reading, feel it too? Embarrassed for no reason whatsoever. Constant
guilt lingering at the corners of your mind, slamming the doors of your
soul at any other good emotion.
I told my family about my new position acquired. They mocked me and kept pulling my chain throughout the entire teatime. That's it. Blotted a source of happiness and sense of achievement before it could emanate. Now, I am trying my best to find a reason to avoid dinner with them. Oh, the pain of sitting at that table trying to swallow food when they are shoving insults down my throat.
Today's mood: derailed, frustrated, abashed.
- Oizys.
The sixth day of the log entry.
Today is a blurry day. I woke up so late in the afternoon.
I applied for some internships.
An
old paper of mine got accepted. I have been working to upload it to
various repositories to get it recognized and increase readership.
I didn't have breakfast, just lunch.
I tried to exercise but was unable to. I will try again tomorrow, but I will do some bedtime stretching before going to sleep.
I washed my hair today. I had a disgusting headache.
I emailed the community about my mistaken appointment of mine. Let's see what they say.
I have been reading a lot of diaries here lately. It is beautiful. It is interesting. I was able to relate to a couple of the diarists here. I want to share my relatability by responding to their entries. Let's see. I always have qualms when I try to talk or build any connection. Rather than focusing on what to say, I overthink how they will perceive me, understand me, or what they will think about me. I barely talk in person, even with my family members. I just do not know what to say. It is also the reason why I prefer slow communication tools like text or emails rather than calls or in-person meetings. My thoughts become blurry. In emails or texts, I can take my time to think and search and write in a concise manner.
Today's mood: empty, unfit, and sluggish.
- Oizys.
The diary entry was lodged successfully on the fifth day consecutively.
I woke up earlier than usual.
I
also got an email regarding gaining a head position in a community for
which I had applied by mistake and didn't even take the interview. What
do I do with that? Should I go along with it or recheck with them?
I had some puffed rice with raw mango for breakfast.
I
am considering making a small donation here as this morning when I
opened the Diary website, a notification popped up regarding the website
needing some financial support to pay its host. I don't know what to
do. Is it too early? I like this application and would love to
contribute to its well-being.
I am continuing with my search for work
opportunities. I am also planning to do some courses today. I found two
which are free and one which requires a small fee due to an offer. But,
I am scared to ask for money. Today is the last day of the offer. Let's
see if I can do something. Although, I have started the two free ones,
downloaded and reviewed the materials, and assorted them.
I am really craving something cold to drink.
This is the second day of exercise.
I got another rejection letter today.
I cried myself to sleep.
I have been having a lot of existential thoughts whenever I leave my land of thoughts and fantasies. I look around. My friends have other people in their lives. They go out, have lovely relationships, and have fun with their best friends. Do silly stuff, and make memories. My siblings are getting new jobs. People are moving in life further. And then I look inside myself. Just the sort of person, doing nothing much, in whom people take an interest once in a while but do not really care if I am gone or absent. I just sort of exist but do not really mean anything to anyone or any way that is possible. I keep thinking if I am really living my life or not. I search for memories, but my gallery is empty. My mind has no remembrance of anything that can make my soul nostalgic. Was I meant to be a human? Because, sometimes, even existing feels uncanny.
Today's mood: bleak, Sehnsucht, hiraeth
- Oizys.