21 May 2022

Starting this diary.
I am hoping to be consistent, which is unlike anything in my life.
I'm spending my day entirely in bed today.
I'm upset with my family.
I woke up late and ate a cheap breakfast.
I haven't eaten anything since.
Friends are trying to publish a paper. I might collaborate.
Searched extensively for "Magolpy/Maman"... Where did she even go?
I feel sick, my stomach is growling, and my mouth is salty.

Finally, I went and watered the plants. As requested by a neighbor, I contributed to checking the cams for a troublemaker.

I ate some puffed rice but no condiments.

Dinner and then sleep! Uf.

I guess it doesn't bother me. I can't be bothered with anything these days. Whatever. Maybe tomorrow. Shrug. My mind is like a bunch of nothing, but so it goes. Today was a complete loss. What can I say? I've just been hanging out doing nothing. That's how it is. My mind is like a void. I just don't have much to say, but such is life. Oh well. Such is life. Basically, nothing is going on right now. I guess it doesn't bother me. I've pretty much been doing nothing worth mentioning. Eh.

I am hoping for a way out, like every other day.

Today's Mood: spiritless, dispassionate, neutral.

- Oizys.

Threat To My Thoughts

I feel useless after I talk to people. I have so many of these thoughts that I want to write, share, voice and scream. But, when I make them known to the world outside of my mind, give them a voice for others' ears, and let them into the minds of others, they vaporize into nothingness. They go away. They become hollow. They become meaningless. And, I can feel the emptiness loud and clear. It feels like someone stepping into a room and crashing into a handful of empty vessels, making a cracking noise.

What is it? Is it that I am only my thoughts? I am made up of only my thoughts. Is it me who is just a vessel and these thoughts fill me and make me who I am? Or, is it me who keeps my thoughts alive? And, is the presence of my thoughts only of substance when it is unknown to other beings? Do other people just consume and spit out my thoughts like plucking away weed?

I fear writing sometimes, to pen my thoughts down. For, if people read, my thoughts extinguish into non-existence. Then, where do I put you, my thoughts? We are safe nowhere but in this mind of mine.

- Oizys.

When Did I Pick Up This Pen

I do not know. I do not remember when I decided to write for the very first time. What was that moment when I must have thought inking was better than telling? What was that moment when I sought solace in the empty pages of a diary rather than in people who claimed they deserved my trust? Was it when my blood denied my color? Was it when my batchmates moved away from me? Was it when the teacher skipped me because I took some time to think? Was it when my kinfolk ignored me because I was too ill? 

It must have been a moment of sadness when my words went unheard that I thought of registering on a page. It must have been a moment of pain when my cries were ignored and I poured my emotions into the back of a notebook.

It hurts, you know. I love filling these pages with beautiful words, broken poems, obscure sentences, and abandoned memories, but the whys and wherefores are themselves my brokenness and moments where I was abandoned.

- Oizys.

Sacrific For Survival

I am stuck in a rut. In a room. Between one side of the bed and a table filled with dusty books and this crappy laptop. I want to get out, getaway. Far, far away. I can not live like this anymore. This comfort comes at the cost of my privacy and peace. I have no other way than to lock myself in this room. I do not want this. I want to move out of this hellish stomach that incinerates my freedom with its toxic acid. I just want to tear it open and spring out. I am losing every intangible part of me. My dedication, my love, my books, my words, my mind, me. The connection of blood has kept me tethered. Their blood filled my veins, tying me to this stomach. I want to rid myself of their so-called ichor and be free.

"There is a freedom that comes with abandonment." Suzanne Scanlon. 

Perhaps detachment is what will be the key to this junky lock. I am desperate to alleviate myself by chopping off this relationship. Desperate to get rid of this dependency. I know I will bleed when I part ways. If sacrificing my own blood is what is needed to gain survival, then so be it. 

- Oizys.

Words Hemmed Inside The Attic of My Mind

I wrote for two days, then I couldn't write yesterday. It's so difficult. I have been dragging myself since the morning to write again, but... no progress.

I want to write so much. I want to write about everything. Everything I see, I hear, I listen, I speak, I feel. Everyone I meet. I want to log everything. The voices, the thoughts, the feelings, the emotions. Those experiences. My entire life and every life that is connected to me. I want to draw the whole web with my words and bottles of ink.

But, I can't... I am unable to. I lodge it in my head, but then when I think of jotting it down, I am unable to pick up the pen. My spine doesn't straighten up. I can't find pages suddenly. Every minute logged into my head disappears. They run into these little rooms in my head, those corner rooms at the end of the corridor. They go into those rooms, shut the doors, and hide in the old attic. becoming an omnium gatherum of sporadic bits and pieces locked in the truck, which is covered with spiderwebbed rust.

- Oizys.

The Tide Of Rumination

Chopping vegetables.

I felt myself slipping into the land of gloom. Bad thoughts consume me. Sometimes, they just flood my head, and sometimes, they seep into my mind. They reach into my mind's functional surface from an underground reservoir of Weltschmerz. 

I had to write this down to distract myself from my own despondency that I didn't even wash my hands after cutting the vegetables and before picking up a pen to write.

- Oizys.

The Fantasy Of Oblivion

I feel heavy.

I gave a presentation on the paper I am writing. and got a poor grade. The evaluator didn't say anything, didn't ask anything, graded the paper poorly, and didn't even give any feedback. It looks like they don't support my stance on the topic of SSR&PIL. 
I received another grade today. Poor too, this one. But, this one is on me. I didn't work hard enough. I deserve it. I don't even remember working hard for anything now in life. 

Last night, I wrote for the first time in a long time. I felt a bit lighter. I had forgotten how light it feels when I put my feelings on paper in the form of words. But, I also felt something else, a bit emptier. Some more space in my head. People say it is generally a good thing. When you write to relieve stress, you feel lighter because you have space in that head of yours for more important things going on in life.

It made me think. It scared me a bit because I have no other important things to put in that empty space. It made me a question...
What's important to me? What is the worth of my existence? What do I want? Do I aspire to be rich? Or, famous? Or, intelligent? Do I love? Do I want to love? Do I want to be loved? Do I desire? Do I want to be desired? Do I want someone or something in my life? Do I even deserve to? Do I even have the capacity to want or to aspire or to love or be loved or desire? What's the shape of my future?
I do not know. I do not understand where other people get answers to these questions. Do they even get these questions or do these things come to them, naturally?
I feel empty. I just realized this emptiness is heavier. Because it's noisy. The questions echo. They have that scary devil's voice with little air whooshing around, the devil's tail strapped around my neck, choking me tighter as I skip every one of those questions unanswered. Grh...

How do people do this? How do they function? I see people planning, and building, each block filled with meaning, each brick shaped with hard work and perspiration. I wait for myself to feel the kick to do the same. But, I don't feel the kick. And now, I don't even want to feel it. Because I can't even see myself in my own future anymore or with people. When I peek into the idea of the future in my mind, I see myself as absent. Non-existent. I see myself as nothingness. Blended into the atmosphere? Or buried deep under that rock bottom after being sucked by the quicksand pit? 

No desire. No want. No hope. No success. No failure. No love. No war. Just nothing. Oblivion. Nothingness — is probably my only fantasy.

- Oizys.

Teas & Books Galore!

As a tea lover, I'm always looking for ways to expand my knowledge of this beloved drink. Whether it's learning about the history and culture of tea or exploring the different varieties and growing regions, there's always something new to discover. Over the years, I've come across some fantastic tea-related books that have helped me deepen my understanding of this complex and fascinating beverage. Here are my personal reviews on some of the most fascinating books on tea that I have come across.

1. "Tea: History, Terroirs, Varieties (Third Edition)" by Kevin Gascoyne, François Marchand, and Jasmin Desharnais is a fascinating read that delves deep into the world of tea, exploring its rich history, diverse terroirs, and myriad varieties. As a tea lover, I found myself engrossed in the authors' vivid descriptions of different tea regions, the unique flavours and aromas of each tea, and the cultural significance of tea around the world. This book is a treasure trove of information for anyone who wants to expand their knowledge of tea.

 

2. "The Book of Tea" by Okakura Kakuzo is a classic text that offers a poetic and philosophical take on the tea ceremony and its place in Japanese culture. As I read this book, I found myself transported to a world of serenity and contemplation, where the simple act of drinking tea can become a deeply meaningful experience. The author's musings on the beauty of imperfection, the transience of life, and the harmony of nature and humanity are both inspiring and thought-provoking. It is available on Google Books free of charge!

3. "Tea: A Nerd's Eye View" by Jhanne Jasmine is a quirky and fun exploration of the science behind tea. As a self-proclaimed tea nerd, I thoroughly enjoyed learning about the chemistry, biology, and physics of tea, from the compounds that give tea its unique flavour to the role of water temperature in brewing the perfect cup. This book is a great read for anyone who loves tea and wants to deepen their understanding of this fascinating beverage.

4. "The Book of Japanese Tea" by Oscar Brekell is a beautiful and informative guide to the world of Japanese tea. As someone who is passionate about both tea and Japanese culture, I found this book to be a real treasure trove of information. Berkell explores the history of tea in Japan, the different varieties of tea grown there, and the unique brewing methods used to make each one.

5. "For All the Tea in China" by Sarah Rose is a fascinating historical account of the British tea trade in China during the 19th century. This book tells the story of Robert Fortune, a botanist who was sent on a mission by the British East India Company to steal tea plants and the secrets of tea production from China. I was gripped by this tale of espionage and adventure, and it gave me a new appreciation for the complex history of tea.

6. "Puer Tea: Ancient Caravans and Urban Chic" by Jinghong Zhang is a comprehensive guide to one of the world's most revered and mysterious teas. Puer tea, which is produced in China's Yunnan Province, has a long and storied history, and is said to have many health benefits. Zhang delves into the cultural significance of Puer tea, as well as the different varieties and brewing methods used to make it. As a tea lover, I found this book to be a real eye-opener and I learned so much about this fascinating drink.

 

7. "The True History of Tea" by Victor H. Mair and Erling Hoh is the book if you're looking for a comprehensive and scholarly exploration of the history of tea. The book delves into the origins and evolution of tea culture, covering everything from the early days of tea consumption in China to the global spread of tea during the colonial era. With extensive research and beautiful illustrations, the book provides a fascinating look at the role of tea in human history.

 

8. "Pearl Among the Clouds" by Ueda Akinari is a beautiful book that tells the story of how tea was introduced to Japan. It's a lyrical and poetic book that will transport you to another time and place. As I read the book, I felt as though I was right there with the author, experiencing the breathtaking landscapes and encountering the fascinating people of Tibet. Sokei's writing is vivid and engaging, making this book a joy to read.

 

9. "The Way of Tea" by Rand Castile is a practical guide to the Japanese tea ceremony. If you're interested in learning more about this ancient art form, this is the book for you. As a tea lover myself, I found this book to be a treasure trove of information about one of my favourite beverages. Castile's insights into the spiritual significance of tea in Japanese society were particularly fascinating, and his descriptions of the tea ceremony left me yearning to experience it for myself. It's full of beautiful photographs and step-by-step instructions that will help you master the tea ceremony.

 

10. "The Darjeeling Distinction" by Sarah Besky is a fascinating look at the tea industry in Darjeeling. This book sheds light on the complex social and economic issues surrounding the production of one of the world's most beloved teas. Besky's writing is insightful and thought-provoking, making this book a must-read for anyone interested in the ethics of the food industry.

11. "The Classic of Tea" by Lu Yu is a timeless book that was written over a thousand years ago. It's a beautiful meditation on the art of tea and its place in Chinese culture. If you're interested in the history and culture of tea, this is a must-read. It is a book that has been on my reading list for some time, and I'm so glad I finally got around to reading it. This ancient Chinese text is a fascinating exploration of the history and culture of tea. As someone who enjoys tea as much for its cultural significance as for its taste, I found Lu Yu's insights into the spiritual and social significance of tea to be incredibly interesting.

12. "The Tea Book" by Linda Gaylard is a comprehensive guide to tea from around the world. It covers everything from the history of tea to the different types and brewing methods. It's a great book for beginners who want to learn more about tea. As a tea lover, I found this book to be a fantastic resource for learning about different tea varieties and brewing methods. Gaylard's writing is engaging and accessible, making this book perfect for both tea enthusiasts and newcomers to the world of tea.

 

13. "The Story of Tea" by Mary Lou Heiss is a comprehensive and engaging exploration of the history and culture surrounding one of the world's most beloved beverages. As someone who has always been fascinated by tea, I found this book to be an incredibly informative and enjoyable read. Heiss delves into the ancient origins of tea, tracing its evolution through the centuries and across different cultures, from the tea gardens of China to the tea salons of Europe.

14. "A Bowl for a Coin" by Vanessa Kimbell is a unique and beautifully crafted book that offers a personal and poetic perspective on the world of bread-making. As someone who has always found bread-making to be a meditative and rewarding activity, I found Kimbell's reflections on the subject to be insightful and inspiring. Her prose is lyrical and evocative, transporting the reader to a world of flour and yeast, of kneading and rising.

15. "The Tea Book: All Things Tea" by Nick Kilby and Louise Cheadle, the cocreators of Teapigs, is a charming and accessible introduction to the world of tea. As someone who is always looking to expand my knowledge of different teas and brewing techniques, I found this book to be a great starting point. It covers everything from the history of tea to the different types of tea and how to prepare them, and is full of beautiful photographs and illustrations. What I particularly appreciated about this book was its emphasis on the importance of quality and ethical sourcing, something that is increasingly important to many tea drinkers today.

These are just a few of the many books on tea that I have enjoyed reading over the years. Whether you're a tea enthusiast or simply interested in the cultural significance of tea, there's a book out there for you. So sit back, brew a cup of your favourite tea, and delve into the fascinating world of tea.

- Oizys.

An Empty Soda Can

"How is it going?" Someone asked me.

I don't know...? A lot, maybe? To be honest, I haven't "talked" to anyone since the pandemic. But when I think about it, I don't think I have ever even talked to anyone in the pre-pandemic era. Most of the time, I am blank about what to say. I have a few stuff going on in my mind, what doesn't come out? It's so obscure.

I have also realized I don't have an ambition or goal or hobby-like thing to keep me going. I keep going on because I have to. Because I don't have any other way. I submit my assignments and get fair marks. But, I am not special or good at anything. Hence, wasn't able to secure an internship for this summer. Which has created and has been feeding a fear in the back of my mind, that I would struggle to get a good-paying job. Then, I won't be able to clear my student loans. Adding to it, I also don't enjoy the field I am studying in, but I can manage it so I am doing it. If I had a chance, I wouldn't study in this field, for sure. But then again, I don't know what else to do as my ability to explore was chopped off because I had to fit in to meet my parents' expectations. Now, I don't even have the energy to explore anymore which makes me... sad.

I don't hate my friends. They are amazing people. Great human beings. But, I don't think they are my friends, anymore. Rather, we text each other when we need something college-related and are just 4-5 in number. I feel like even my friendships, through the course of this pandemic, have weakened to a point that if I try to water them, they will just decay. We are just together because it's convenient and help each other with college stuff. Due to this scrolling addiction, I even exited all forms of social media platforms and we just text each other WA in a group. I don't even text any one of them personally. And, I am not that close to my family, they think I am having the time of my life, in my early 20s, being rebellious to their justified-controlling-and-super-toxic-behavior whereas I have just fallen apart and don't care anymore. Holding my pieces and existing. I don't have a person in my life I am close to. And, this pandemic has wiped out all my leftover and poor abilities to socialize or even "want" someone. Now, I just sit in front of my laptop, do some classes, and write some pages for some marks. And, sit in my corner.

Back then, before the pandemic, I liked to read and sometimes, maybe write (and fail miserably). Books had a soothing effect on me. Being constantly judged for my skin color and appearance by my relatives, cousins, and kids around the school, I had shut myself from socializing and let my dark skin color be a filter for whosoever wanted to approach me or not and I resorted to reading and libraries. Now, I don't even have the energy to read...? One thing that I liked? I don't feel like doing it anymore. One thing in life that didn't feel like a chore? Rather, felt "me"? One thing that was spiritual in my mundane life?

I think I have become non-receptive to emotions or feelings. Having never been dated or romantically involved in even the least possible way and now restricted in this pandemic which has butchered almost all future possibilities of mine to find someone (not even a romantic partner but just like, even a person in life), has made me think and plan about living alone. Now, I just wanna graduate, get a job that will get me through, get away from my family, and exist by myself. Even texting or talking or getting to know someone is exhausting. Not that I want to hurt anyone's feelings but, I don't want to text or hang out, I feel tired.

Even though not much is "disturbing" in life, everything, this hollowness, feels so disturbed. The only thing that provides me with some ease is my blanket and bed when my eyes are closed. There's absolutely nothing I dream of, I yearn for. I am too scared to put a full stop. But, I want to escape. Who the hell put this rule that we need a full stop to leave everything? I don't even have anything in my "oh life is a beautiful gift" existence that brings anything to anyone's table or puts anything on my table that anyone would approach. Can I simply not exist and just escape in a smooth, non-dramatic manner?

I feel like that used, empty soda can. Waiting for a truck to run over and end the story once and for all.

- Oizys.

Subsisting In The Abyss

Do you ever feel so lonely around so many known people? Do you ever feel like shouting and screaming at them hoping someone would hear your voice? But when you open your mouth, your throat is blocked with a ball of fear. A fear that your voice might be lost? A fear that your voice might be ignored? A fear that your voice might be judged? Laughed at? Criticized?

Do you ever feel so many emotions at once that you want to take them out? But when you look around, you feel so lonely in your own house, feel hollow in a family, unwelcome in a friend circle? Do you feel as if they will err your emotions? Brush it off as unimportant? Do you feel uninvited and as if you hold no value whatsoever to anyone in your life? Whatever you go through, what you feel won't matter to anyone at all. Won't affect anyone. Won't panic anyone.

Do you ever feel like not talking to people because somewhere you know they are gonna tell you something that you never want to hear? That you hate it? But then you can't even deny so you just hear them out and let those words etch your soul?

Do you ever feel there is a phase in your life when you cry every night? When everything is just falling apart? When everything just seems wrong no matter what? When you hate everything yet you still have to sit in the front seat, look at your life taking all the wrong and unwanted turns?

Do you ever feel scared of human beings? Scared of their true nature? Their coldness? Their hatred? Their real feelings? Whatever are thoughts weaving inside their minds while they send a smile your way?

Do you ever forget that you are part of other people’s lives because you feel empty? So terrified that when they see you or ask of you, you run away so as not to draw attention to yourself?

Do you feel like running away when you hear someone approach near room? Your heart beats faster, your mind becomes a floor and your thoughts are a bunch of hair, messy and tangled. You hear their footsteps, listen to their noises and hope they don’t knock on your door or call your name.

Do you ever feel like you are not living but just bubbling through this life from one thing to another and watch days and nights and days pass by hoping for the ending to start soon?

If there was a word for the state of mind that is exactly the opposite of wanting something really bad, I would gladly make that the title of the book of my life. A proportionate mixture of ignorance and apathy filled with ice cubes of aches here and there. No matter whatever support or positive message I receive, they all sound like a thief stepping into a dark house full of empty vessels. Uncalled and unaffecting.

I feel myself in a quicksand; wriggling my legs. I can escape, but the effort just seems more and more taxing until I give up and just sit down and stop struggling. Wallowing feels more earthly and doable rather than fighting for life. And when the sand engulfs me, I feel like going down a black chasm that gets darker and deeper each day passing by. Because I do. And I am. I am feeling all of these together, right now. Even when I am scribbling these words down. Even writing these feelings out isn't flowing away with the ink. Even emptying the bottle isn't easing my soul. Rather making my heart and mind heavy altogether. More scared. More lonely. More unwanted. More worthless. And all of these are making me feel like disappearing from here, there, from everywhere. Feel like giving up my wings. Let the sky chop off my wings. And then let the sea swallow me. So deep that I will be so away from all these feelings. All the emptiness. All the lumps in my throat. All the worries in my heart. All the fears in my mind. And, just keep drowning. And drowning. Until I hit the depths of the dark sea. Where I would be finally free from these burdened wings. Free from... humans? Or, free from myself?

- Oizys.