Nothingness Permeating Life

Days like these. So empty, so hollow. Every night, you wish for darkness, a darkness that existed before your existence, to come and engulf you. Every morning you lay in your cot and drown yourself in the question, 'why did I wake up'? The feeling of not being. The feeling of not wanting something. The feeling of anti-desire. The feeling of not being unable to want something. And, the guilt. Oh, the guilt! The guilt attached to the feeling of not wanting something. The guilt of not being able to perceive anything good. The guilt of being nothing. An unprecedented and invalid rage bubbled in my veins. Feeling inconsiderably angry about some things that are not even mildly annoying. Every single thing becomes heavier. Even things that you didn't know existed. Even words that you want to utter become heavy, you are not able to let them escape your mouth. Your body becomes heavy even if you weigh like a thin paper. You lie underneath the blanket in a cold night and watch days pass by. You are unable to remove the blanket and get up. Soon, everything bocomes one colour. You start forgetting anything else other than that colour. You start forgetting faces you have met and smiled with. You start forgetting names you have whispered as prayers. The colour starts engulfing your brain. Your memory. Your sense of knowing things. There is a complete loss. One moment, you have this life. Full of random people, hobbies, tasks, responsibilities. Then, the next moment. It is all engulfed by that colour. I can't even seem to remember what colour that is. The brain is been completely conquered and shut down. 

- Oizys.

Pure, Unadultered Guilt

Wanting is not enough. We have to work towards what we want. I have been dreading for the past few weeks. I want something. And, I am trying so hard to make myself work toward it. But, I am so scared. I am so, so scared. What if I fail? I have nothing to fall back on? I am so scared of getting rejected. There is a part of me that is so scared of failing that it is not letting me work toward it and there is another part of me that wants it so freaking much. I am just so tired with all the gut-wrenching anxiety. Just the continuous rumination. Of what will happen. Of the results. Of what will I do if I do not get it. Of how will I face people. I just want to escape. I just want to not want this. I am going crazy. What if I am not good enough? Will I ever get it? Is it for me? What is out there for me? And, apart of all of these emotions, I have this guilt. Pure, unadultered guilt. I do not know why. I am so exhausted. It is nerve wrecking. I am not eating. I am not sleeping. Everything is a havoc. I am just crying constantly. I do not know how will I go through these few months. I do not know. 

- Oizys.

December Is Cold And Full Of Regrets

The end of December approaches. As I wrap myself in this thick blanket and search for some sleep in this deep cold, a layer of regrets settles on me. It is heavy. And it is chilly. Like the night. My ankles are locked. My hands were trembling under my chin. I reminisce. About all the opportunities I could have taken advantage of but did not because I was too afraid. About all the messages I could have talked to people but didn't because I was too disconnected. About all the times I could have gone out and been with people but did not because I was a bit too tired. About all the time I could have been just happy but did not because I was a bit too caught in my own head. About all the times I could have sat with my family and laughed but didn't because I was upset.

December is ruthless. Pricking you with the worst nostalgia. I cover myself from head to toe, hoping to escape this layer of regrets by immersing myself in my fantasyland, only to regret not sleeping properly the next morning.

- Oizys.
 

Is It All Just Plain Dramatic?

 Am I too dramatic? With feeling all these emotions constantly. Constantly stressed out. Just worried. Filling my entries with all the overthinking. Am I too much? Do I crib a lot?

On this beautiful, chilly night, I was neck-deep at work. And, suddenly, the above thoughts hit me like someone splashing water on my face.

Is it true, though? Sometimes, I wonder. Am I a buzzkill? I often look at my friends or family and think, "Would they be having more fun if I were not here?" If I were not here, they would be doing all those things that I am holding them back from or that they are not doing because of me. Would this place become a better place if I were to stop existing here? Sometimes, when I was younger, I would think. Is there any way to escape and watch my life from afar? Like, I won't be here, and everything else is the same. How would that affect the lives that are connected to mine? And I don't think like this with bad intentions about my near and dear ones. I would never want them to be hurt or sad. I just wonder if they would be happier if I were not here. Or simply feel and act differently if I were no longer a part of their lives. Just to make sure that I am not a burden on them,

Such intrusive thoughts. Yet very absorbing. That is, I keep looking for meaning in my non-existence while completely ignoring my existence as if it holds no meaning.

- Oizys.

Am I Doing Enough Or Not?

Currently, I do not have much going on in my life to write about. It is all the same. Wake up, work, sleep. But, I have been wondering. About the university, I had mentioned earlier. I was so caught up in desiring and fearing, I forgot to think if I am prepared for it. I mean, that is the most important part. Am I doing enough? Am I eligible to study there? Am I preparing enought for it? I am so scared and feeling so jittery. Ugh. Why can't I be more decisive? And, confident? Or, a bit more sorted? Why do I have to be constantly worried about things. A constant itch in my left foot numbing my entire body out of anxiety and twitchiness. Why can't it be a bit simple for me just once? Sometimes, I feel like I cribble too much about it but then I think, is everything else also always crippling with constant uneasiness and collywobbles like me? I wish I could have something or someone who would just tell me, what would it be for me? What's in the store for me? What will the providence throw at me this time? I just cannot stop ruminating, over and over again. I am mentally exhausted. 

- Oizys.

Success Is Weird

It feels so weird to go to the next level, right? You have worked hard for it. Sleepless nights. All the running around. The juggling. All for something. And, then when you get it, it feels weird. People say it is just self-doubt creeping in. Some say, you are not in the same place anymore and the new place is just... new and you need to start getting used to it. And, when you are there, the easiest option is to take a step back to where you previously were. That itch in your foot. Ugh. I start feeling anxious. Do I deserve this? Do I do this or that? Am I doing it right? That constant itch in my foot had numbed my entire leg and I am so, so tired. So tired of feeling incompetent in my own head. So tired of underestimating myself. But, I can't stop. Because the moment I stop, the other set of thoughts wakes up on the other foot. And, the cycle continues. I feel constrained and drained. You give everything you have just to worry if you deserve it when you finally get it.

- Oizys.

The Urge To Erase Everything And Go Away

I have this overwhelming urge to erase everything, delete every picture, delete every number, cut every tie, and go away to someplace else where I am alone and new. I do not know if it is the itch to get out of my comfort zone or the yearning to leave my uncomfortable life. People say you need to get out of your comfort zone. But what if you never had one? And you have been working really hard to create one for yourself. Then, why leave? Why not stay there? Anyway, about this urge: I don't know what to do with it. I often wonder why I think the way I do. Is it because I have not much space around me between this half bed and a small table? Am I not able to grow? Am I not scared enough? Or am I just running away because I am paranoid? My inner self is screaming at me to run away from everyone and everything. Now, let me assure you. While I am thinking like this, I have zero intentions of hurting my near and dear ones. In fact, I often think I should go away from them for their betterment. I look at my father, and I feel like I am a burden. I sit with my mother, and I feel like she will finally be at peace when I leave the house forever. I talk to my sister, and I feel like she is just unwillingly fulfilling her duty as my elder sister to look after me. I go out with my friends, and I feel like I am constantly holding them back from having fun and from achieving more. I simply do not feel at ease. And when I come back to my spot, there is nothing but an empty me. A phone with no texts waiting to be answered. A laptop that has no mail waiting to be read There is no list of books to be read. There are no movies downloaded to watch. Nothing. I search for something, just something—maybe a hand to reach out to. But, nothing. The hollowness is jarring. I want to escape this vacuum. But how? How do you escape nothing? I try adding things, but they all dissolve. All dissolve into my banality. Is it an urge to run away from being a burden on others or on my own self?

- Oizys.

An Orange - A Poem

Some entertain, but I follow your clay-like path.
Here I am, a warm brain loitering in the university of elixir.

Conversations of precisions, the recitation
of curtains, we
call an aquatic necklace.
Cinnamon and pure father,
which is a silent map of directions
three hundred, or too many to count, rejoiced
on a bed or in the warm land
directions of the leg, a calculation in your tails.
Halfway.
For river was rabid and morally positive.

- Oizys

{I love writing. I have been through so many phases in my life, but one thing that has remained constant is my love for writing. Well, another could be my dream to become a writer. No matter how mediocre, cringy, or banal my words can be, it has never made me give up. I would read more and try to write better. Some days, I fantasised about writing stories and novels. Some days, I would dream of publishing my poetry in magazines here and there and then compiling them into one. Some days, I would dream of becoming an unknown diarist whose diaries get published posthumusly. But words have been constant. It is true that most of these dreams are nowhere near becoming true, but it is not a crime to dream.}

I'm A Spectator Of My Own Life

I'm an idle spectator of my own life. I am watching everything from afar. Just passing by. Just happening. Just breaking down. I would love to take control and do things. But, I am so scared. Of what, if you ask? I do not know. Of people? Of circumstances? I do not know. I just feel so burdened. Like, I have withdrawn from something. I have no say in something that's entirely mine. I am observing but not functioning. I am in the spotlight but the background is the focus. It is been so long since I have been in focus, I have forgotten how reality feels like. It is a strange, hallucinating sensation when I am jolted back into reality after zoning out for a very long time. I can touch my life but not life. Like there is some disconnection. Like when you hold a hot cup of tea but the hotness doesn't affect you anymore. I just sit here and watch the small parts of my life unfold with very mild curiosity. And, once in a while, there is a lockdown. I am unable to think or speak. My brain gets thoughts but I am unable to decipher them. Or I am unable to construct sentences or think of words to express them. It feels as if, my life is passing by yet I am sitting in the same spot. On the same rock. On the sideline. Silently watching it just... go.

- Oizys.

Scared To Desire

I am so scared right now. This is one of those typical times that determines what will happen with my life, if not in its entirety, for the next ten years. And this is the first time I have wanted something so badly in my life. It has nothing to do with other people. No one decided it for me. No one influenced it or directed me toward it. I did not have to ask my sister if it was right for me. I did not have to ask my parents if I could have this. You know, it was one of those things that sparked something special in you. Something you did not know you were looking for. And, when you find it, you feel like you have found everything you have ever prayed for. There is a very brief, soft moment of happiness. That one-minute of sweet calmness until the stinging starts. Then you just burn. I was so happy. Then I got scared. Because if I don't get it, I will feel a lot worse than the happiness I have now. With the weak heart and low self-confidence I have, I will probably give up everything. But I do not want to give this up. And that's why I am scared. This could define one. I'd like to take a course at a university. It could help me achieve my dreams and goals. I know, after learning what it is, it might all sound very dramatic, but it is what it is. It is important to me because of my circumstances and situation. This is what I want. But, at the same time, I am so hyperaware of my mediocrity that I am just scared—if I do not get it, what will I do? Where will I go? It has conquered my entire mind so that I can't plan any other things in case I do not get into that university, which makes me anxious. Because, now if I do not get it, I have no other safety net or plan B. You know, one of those things where you get so strangely possessive that this is all you want and you can't see anything else but that? I may sound like a geek or a nerd or a dork or whatever the word is for talking like this about an university, but... it is the first time I am deciding what I want to study. Previously, in school, it was either my parents or, in college, it was my sister. But, for the first time, I know what I want. I have even connected with loads of people from there and started learning the language of the country in which the university is located. I told almost everyone about it. It is oddly settling. It just feels right. And I don't know what I would do if I didn't get in. It would get so difficult to get in the next year because it would require coming all the way back to ask for letters, to ask for documents, and to stop paying loans. It is a weird and difficult situation, which I cannot fully explain to someone but which I wish I could. I wish I could explain to someone how much this means to me and how difficult it is.

- Oizys.