Chopping vegetables.
I felt myself slipping into the land of gloom. Bad thoughts consume me. Sometimes, they just flood my head, and sometimes, they seep into my mind. They reach into my mind's functional surface from an underground reservoir of Weltschmerz.
I had to write this down to distract myself from my own despondency that I didn't even wash my hands after cutting the vegetables and before picking up a pen to write.
- Oizys.
I feel heavy.
I gave a presentation on the paper I am writing. and got a poor
grade. The evaluator didn't say anything, didn't ask anything, graded
the paper poorly, and didn't even give any feedback. It looks like they
don't support my stance on the topic of SSR&PIL.
I received
another grade today. Poor too, this one. But, this one is on me. I
didn't work hard enough. I deserve it. I don't even remember working
hard for anything now in life.
Last night, I wrote for the first time in a long time. I felt a bit lighter. I had forgotten how light it feels when I put my feelings on paper in the form of words. But, I also felt something else, a bit emptier. Some more space in my head. People say it is generally a good thing. When you write to relieve stress, you feel lighter because you have space in that head of yours for more important things going on in life.
It made me think. It scared me a bit because I have no other
important things to put in that empty space. It made me a question...
What's
important to me? What is the worth of my existence? What do I want? Do I
aspire to be rich? Or, famous? Or, intelligent? Do I love? Do I want to
love? Do I want to be loved? Do I desire? Do I want to be desired? Do I
want someone or something in my life? Do I even deserve to? Do I even
have the capacity to want or to aspire or to love or be loved or desire?
What's the shape of my future?
I do not know. I do not understand
where other people get answers to these questions. Do they even get
these questions or do these things come to them, naturally?
I feel
empty. I just realized this emptiness is heavier. Because it's noisy.
The questions echo. They have that scary devil's voice with little air
whooshing around, the devil's tail strapped around my neck, choking me
tighter as I skip every one of those questions unanswered. Grh...
How do people do this? How do they function? I see people planning, and building, each block filled with meaning, each brick shaped with hard work and perspiration. I wait for myself to feel the kick to do the same. But, I don't feel the kick. And now, I don't even want to feel it. Because I can't even see myself in my own future anymore or with people. When I peek into the idea of the future in my mind, I see myself as absent. Non-existent. I see myself as nothingness. Blended into the atmosphere? Or buried deep under that rock bottom after being sucked by the quicksand pit?
No desire. No want. No hope. No success. No failure. No love. No war. Just nothing. Oblivion. Nothingness — is probably my only fantasy.
- Oizys.
"How is it going?" Someone asked me.
I don't know...? A lot, maybe? To be honest, I haven't "talked" to anyone since the pandemic. But when I think about it, I don't think I have ever even talked to anyone in the pre-pandemic era. Most of the time, I am blank about what to say. I have a few stuff going on in my mind, what doesn't come out? It's so obscure.
I have also realized I don't have an ambition or goal or hobby-like thing to keep me going. I keep going on because I have to. Because I don't have any other way. I submit my assignments and get fair marks. But, I am not special or good at anything. Hence, wasn't able to secure an internship for this summer. Which has created and has been feeding a fear in the back of my mind, that I would struggle to get a good-paying job. Then, I won't be able to clear my student loans. Adding to it, I also don't enjoy the field I am studying in, but I can manage it so I am doing it. If I had a chance, I wouldn't study in this field, for sure. But then again, I don't know what else to do as my ability to explore was chopped off because I had to fit in to meet my parents' expectations. Now, I don't even have the energy to explore anymore which makes me... sad.
I don't hate my friends. They are amazing people. Great human beings. But, I don't think they are my friends, anymore. Rather, we text each other when we need something college-related and are just 4-5 in number. I feel like even my friendships, through the course of this pandemic, have weakened to a point that if I try to water them, they will just decay. We are just together because it's convenient and help each other with college stuff. Due to this scrolling addiction, I even exited all forms of social media platforms and we just text each other WA in a group. I don't even text any one of them personally. And, I am not that close to my family, they think I am having the time of my life, in my early 20s, being rebellious to their justified-controlling-and-super-toxic-behavior whereas I have just fallen apart and don't care anymore. Holding my pieces and existing. I don't have a person in my life I am close to. And, this pandemic has wiped out all my leftover and poor abilities to socialize or even "want" someone. Now, I just sit in front of my laptop, do some classes, and write some pages for some marks. And, sit in my corner.
Back then, before the pandemic, I liked to read and sometimes, maybe write (and fail miserably). Books had a soothing effect on me. Being constantly judged for my skin color and appearance by my relatives, cousins, and kids around the school, I had shut myself from socializing and let my dark skin color be a filter for whosoever wanted to approach me or not and I resorted to reading and libraries. Now, I don't even have the energy to read...? One thing that I liked? I don't feel like doing it anymore. One thing in life that didn't feel like a chore? Rather, felt "me"? One thing that was spiritual in my mundane life?
I think I have become non-receptive to emotions or feelings. Having never been dated or romantically involved in even the least possible way and now restricted in this pandemic which has butchered almost all future possibilities of mine to find someone (not even a romantic partner but just like, even a person in life), has made me think and plan about living alone. Now, I just wanna graduate, get a job that will get me through, get away from my family, and exist by myself. Even texting or talking or getting to know someone is exhausting. Not that I want to hurt anyone's feelings but, I don't want to text or hang out, I feel tired.
Even though not much is "disturbing" in life, everything, this hollowness, feels so disturbed. The only thing that provides me with some ease is my blanket and bed when my eyes are closed. There's absolutely nothing I dream of, I yearn for. I am too scared to put a full stop. But, I want to escape. Who the hell put this rule that we need a full stop to leave everything? I don't even have anything in my "oh life is a beautiful gift" existence that brings anything to anyone's table or puts anything on my table that anyone would approach. Can I simply not exist and just escape in a smooth, non-dramatic manner?
I feel like that used, empty soda can. Waiting for a truck to run over and end the story once and for all.
- Oizys.
Do you ever feel so lonely around so many known people? Do you ever feel like shouting and screaming at them hoping someone would hear your voice? But when you open your mouth, your throat is blocked with a ball of fear. A fear that your voice might be lost? A fear that your voice might be ignored? A fear that your voice might be judged? Laughed at? Criticized?
Do you ever feel so many emotions at once that you want to take them out? But when you look around, you feel so lonely in your own house, feel hollow in a family, unwelcome in a friend circle? Do you feel as if they will err your emotions? Brush it off as unimportant? Do you feel uninvited and as if you hold no value whatsoever to anyone in your life? Whatever you go through, what you feel won't matter to anyone at all. Won't affect anyone. Won't panic anyone.
Do you ever feel like not talking to people because somewhere you know they are gonna tell you something that you never want to hear? That you hate it? But then you can't even deny so you just hear them out and let those words etch your soul?
Do you ever feel there is a phase in your life when you cry every night? When everything is just falling apart? When everything just seems wrong no matter what? When you hate everything yet you still have to sit in the front seat, look at your life taking all the wrong and unwanted turns?
Do you ever feel scared of human beings? Scared of their true nature? Their coldness? Their hatred? Their real feelings? Whatever are thoughts weaving inside their minds while they send a smile your way?
Do you ever forget that you are part of other people’s lives because you feel empty? So terrified that when they see you or ask of you, you run away so as not to draw attention to yourself?
Do you feel like running away when you hear someone approach near room? Your heart beats faster, your mind becomes a floor and your thoughts are a bunch of hair, messy and tangled. You hear their footsteps, listen to their noises and hope they don’t knock on your door or call your name.
Do you ever feel like you are not living but just bubbling through this life from one thing to another and watch days and nights and days pass by hoping for the ending to start soon?
If there was a word for the state of mind that is exactly the opposite of wanting something really bad, I would gladly make that the title of the book of my life. A proportionate mixture of ignorance and apathy filled with ice cubes of aches here and there. No matter whatever support or positive message I receive, they all sound like a thief stepping into a dark house full of empty vessels. Uncalled and unaffecting.
I feel myself in a quicksand; wriggling my legs. I can escape, but the effort just seems more and more taxing until I give up and just sit down and stop struggling. Wallowing feels more earthly and doable rather than fighting for life. And when the sand engulfs me, I feel like going down a black chasm that gets darker and deeper each day passing by. Because I do. And I am. I am feeling all of these together, right now. Even when I am scribbling these words down. Even writing these feelings out isn't flowing away with the ink. Even emptying the bottle isn't easing my soul. Rather making my heart and mind heavy altogether. More scared. More lonely. More unwanted. More worthless. And all of these are making me feel like disappearing from here, there, from everywhere. Feel like giving up my wings. Let the sky chop off my wings. And then let the sea swallow me. So deep that I will be so away from all these feelings. All the emptiness. All the lumps in my throat. All the worries in my heart. All the fears in my mind. And, just keep drowning. And drowning. Until I hit the depths of the dark sea. Where I would be finally free from these burdened wings. Free from... humans? Or, free from myself?
- Oizys.